The Suicidal Thoughts You Keep Fighting Everyday

   

Hello everyone , I hope everyone has had a lovely weekend. Today on my blog I am going to talk about something that I have been recently struggling with and I know many others have been too. I think the more we encourage others to talk about how we feel then maybe those who suffer with mental health will be less fearful of asking for help and we can try a fight this battle together. 
  In 2015 I wrote a blog post about my attempted suicide due to being bullied ( LINK ) in 2011 when I was 17. I am now 24 years old and haven't since tried , yes I have self harmed and punished myself in other ways. I fight those thoughts everyday of not wanting to be here anymore. When I was 17 I didn't think I had a future ahead of me , I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel , I just wanted my life to end. I have those days still but I have two children and a husband now who keep me going , I keep holding on fighting. It is hard when you say you don't want to be here anymore , but people around you tell you not to be silly your children need you. Sometimes I feel like they are better of without me , that I am a failure of mother to them , that they deserve so much more than me as a mum. Although I feel that , I also know that in a world of bad things around them , they need there mother to project them and that is me , my job to protect them. There are days where I want to hurt and punish myself but I resit the urge too , then I feel nothing but guilt for not punishing myself . I feel worthless most days , like I am not good enough or don't deserve to live.  I have been to professionals many times for help and there answer seems to be medication , it may work for some people but for me personally is not a route I want to go down again. Before my children where born I was on venlafaxine for years after trying many different medication for depression and anxiety , venlafaxine didn't fix my problems but it kept me stable enough for me to get out of bed in the mornings. If any of you have been on anxiety or anti - depression medication you will know it can cause side effects. I want to keep a clear mind as possible around my children. So I set tasks to get me through the day to stay focused on something else instead of those nasty thoughts. They don't completely go away but they put them on hold for awhile just so I can get through my day. I do often get distressed and emotional and end up calling my husband at work so he can help calm me down and if i can't get hold of him I video message my mum. Sometimes I get scared and think I can't control myself and will do something silly and hurt myself when I feel so low. I feel so alone most days , I know my family loves me but I can't seem to shake the feeling of loneliness. I know many others are fighting this battle too and it needs to be spoken about more. I don't want to see more people take there life because they where to afraid to ask for help.
    I am going to leave my post there and post an update on this subject in a few weeks time.

Thank you for reading 

Love Ava 

xoxo

ANXIETY

Hello everyone , its been about 6 months since I posted on my mental health blog ,if you are someone who regularly read my blog I apologize for the none existence posts over the last 6 months. 
    Truth be told I haven't had time to blog , being a mummy to a 1 year old takes up a lot of time but now Daisie-Mae is getting more settled into a routine I am able to sit down once in awhile for 10 minutes or so. 
    Over the passed couple of months haven't been easy and my anxiety is worse than ever and most days I feel like I cant breathe. Planning a wedding , being cheated on , cancelling a wedding , my mum losing her job and coming to terms with being " disabled " I know as her only child it is my role now to help take care of her but I am worried I wont be good enough and will feel useless to help her needs , being accused of something that wasn't true and been reported to social services , death in the family , my daughter constantly being in pain with her tummy due to constant constipation with several trips to the doctors and A&E and still been in pain from birth from over a year ago because my lady part  stitches healed to tight which causes pain going to the toilet and intimate pain.
Lets just say I have had my hands full. 

     If anyone suffers from anxiety you will know understand what I mean when I say you don't know how to control it. Over the past couple of months my anxiety has increased and become worse. I feel like I can't breathe , I feel like someone is choking me constantly and I become scared that I am going to stop breathing. 
My anxiety attacks can happen at any time of the day but happen regularly during the night while I am in bed and I start shaking and become cold , I end up waking up and disturbing my partner because I cant calm myself and become tearful , my chest starts hurting and I feel like I am having a heart attack , I feel dizzy and faint and start screaming phone an ambulance because I become fearful. Anxiety mimics the symptoms of a heart attack so it becomes hard to recognize when you need medical help and when you can't calm yourself you don't know what to do. I am scared of being alone and I feel like I am becoming a burden to those around me and feel like everyone is better off without me , but I have to keep going for my daughter. I am fed up of constantly feeling in pain having body aches and pains , feeling like I am not in control of my body . I haven't been on anxiety tablets for two years and I am really trying my hardest not to go back on them as I suffered with side effects with them such as feeling sick , migraines and headaches. I am at a loss at the moment and feel fearful of my anxiety. I have always been able to help decrease my symptoms in the past , but recently I feel like I cant help myself or do not know what to do anymore.

Anxiety is something I have had since I was 9 years old or at least that is when I was diagnosed with anxiety. During the past year I have experienced different symptoms to anxiety which is very new to me and is scary to experience which makes me feel less in-control of myself  because I cant always predict when an anxiety attack will occur , previously I could recognize symptoms to get myself out of the situation that was making me anxious , where as now my attacks can happen spontaneously and sometimes I dont even know why I am anxious. 

I wish there was a magic wand that could make anxiety disappear  but there isn't. I am sure many of you who suffer with anxiety understand how I feel , anxiety is a lot more common than people think and it is important that it is talked about its something people all ages and all genders deal with and no matter how scary it is , it needs to be talked about to help each other. 





                     

Ava 

xoxo

Understanding What Psychotic Depression Is!!!

Although many people suffer with depression , there are a hand full of individuals who suffer with Psychotic depression. Psychotic depression is on the severe scale on depression which leads the individual to loose sense of reality , psychotic depression can also effect a persons functional impairments. Psychotic depression can include sufferers to experience delusions which can lead to false beliefs about events that have or haven't occurred. As well as delusions , hallucinations are also common when suffering with psychotic depression. A person may see or hear things that are not really there . Although an individuals delusions and hallucinations  are not actually happening , it is feels very real for the individual which can be distressing especially when others are screaming and shouting " It is not real , it is not really happening!" For a person with psychotic depression it is very much there reality and it is important to understand that , in order to be able to help support and seek help for the individual. It is common the individual will disconnect and isolate  themselves from the outside world , spending a lot of time in bed because they can't control what is happening and struggle to make sense of the situation. A person who suffers with general depression will be able to identify there feelings of being depressed and why they feel depressed , whereas a person with psychotic depression has a loss of insight and are unable to recognise there odd and strange behaviours which means they are at a higher risk of possible suicide or harming themselves and others. 

Other Related Depression Blog Post's 

Understanding Depression And Knowing The Difference Between "Low Mood And Depression

Turning Negative Thoughts About Yourself Into Positive Thoughts About Yourself

5 Myths And Facts About Mental Health

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xoxo

Having An Eating Disorder Doesn't Mean People Should Avoid You....

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and are having a lovely week.If you have been following my blog for awhile now you may be aware that I have suffered with Anorexia / Eating disorder for a long time.

       Having an eating disorder often means people around you tend to avoid you when it comes to social occasions and events. Individuals tend not to invite you out to places because you have an eating disorder. I understand that they do not want to you to be uncomfortable around an environment where there is food. However not inviting a person with an eating disorder out can actually be emotionally damaging for the person with an eating disorder. It can make the individual feel like others are ashamed of  them.

   Many individuals with an eating disorder including myself are very capable of being able to sit in a restaurant or food environment with family , friends or colleagues and sit and have something to drink while others eat. If the person with an eating disorder feels emotionally , psychically and mentally prepared to eat something while out , they will simply order something that they feel capable of eating. We are likely to leave some of the food , but we are willing to try.

Comments That Should Never Be Made To The Individual While Out Eating

1. Oh you are eating something this time.

( Makes the individual feel guilty for eating )

2. Why did you not finish all of your meal? 

( We have are limits of what we are capable of consuming )

3. Please eat some more food.

( Makes the individual feel under pressure and forced to do something they can not physically do)

4. Asking questions about what they have order to eat and why.

( Feeling judged about their diet ) 

5. Do you want some of my food instead?

( Feeling forced )

6. You ate more than you usually do.

( Makes the individual feel ashamed of eating ) 

Knowing that you don't get invited to places because you have an eating disorder can be very hurtful. This has happened to me on several occasions and it makes you feel ashamed of who you are. Yes I struggle with food , but that does not mean I want to be avoided because of it. I have an issue with what I consume and put in MY body , not what others put in there body. Somebody else eating does not upset an individual with an eating disorder. However if a person who does not have an eating disorder puts food up to the individual with an eating disorder's mouth and says silly comments like " Come on... Eat it.. " is obviously bound to upset the individual. Unfortunately this has happened to me , I was left feeling mortified,embarrassed and devastated.

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xoxox

     

The Violent One

The Violent One

A blistering Saturday evening in the summer of 2003. The BBQ sizzling swiftly with the local supermarket’s cheap meat firing away. Old friends clinking there beer bottles together with excitement while cheering with delight for no expressive reason. Listening to the summer beats playing in the background from the kitchen, while all the quests including myself sat outside on the plastic garden deck chairs which the hosts of the party owned. The summer breeze which spread rapidly as the evening progressed into the late night, and the guests started to tire out. The 9 year old me was exhausted, I sat on a garden deck chair with my legs tucked up to my chest with my cardigan wrapped around me. As I was the only child apart from a new born baby there that night I was getting bored as the night continued. The hosts of the party were friends of my Dad and Step mum. They had invited my Dad, Step Mum, Step Brother and myself to their summer party BBQ, although my Step Brother was not able to go to the party as he was visiting his Dad for the weekend.

          As the party began to come to an end and people started to say their goodbyes, I started to feel relieved that it was almost time to go home. I was tired; irritated from being too tired and being a child adult conversations tend to bore you, I was ready to leave. My Dad and Step Mum began to say their goodbyes to all their friends, and the taxi the hosts had phoned for us had arrived. My Step Mum had offered the taxi to a couple who she didn’t know but they were good friends with the hosts of the party. As the couple had a new born baby and wanted to get home as soon as possible, so they took the offer and thanked my Step Mum.

      The fury in my Dad’s intoxicated face.  His expression said it all, he was angry. Angry that my Step Mum had offer our taxi to someone else. We waited another 45 minutes for a taxi to arrive. By then it was the early hours of the morning, and the 3 of us said our final goodbyes to everyone and hopped into the taxi. The car pulled away from the host’s house and set off for the journey home. I was sat in the middle of my Dad and Step Mum in the back of the taxi; I just knew there was argument about to explode between them. I knew the reaction in my Dad’s face wasn’t going to let it go.

   Before I knew it, he had turned to my Step Mum and shouted “You stupid cow, what the hell did you let them take our taxi for.” “They have a little baby, you selfish bastard “said my Step Mum. “ I don’t fucking care, I wanted to go home” said my Dad. Stuck in the middle of them both I told them to stop fighting, while the taxi driver awkwardly carried on the drive home. Both my Dad and Step Mum were silent for the rest of the journey home. We paid the taxi man, got out the car and walked up the pathway to the front door. My Step Mum opened the door and took a stride into the hallway leading into the living room. The dog they both owned who was called Jack came running out of the kitchen and jumped around the living room with excitement that we were home. My Dad followed both myself and my Step Mum into the house shortly after while leaving the front door open, my Step Mum politely asked him to close the door and that is when the trouble began…..

    “Close the fucking door yourself” he said. “What? Why are you acting like this?” my Step Mum said. “Like what” he said while getting right up in her face. “ Oh just get lost you prick” she said... He raised his fist to hit her and at the same time my Step Mum swung her leg up and kicked him in the side of his leg to defend herself. He screamed “you bitch” while grabbing her by the neck and threw her to the floor. He sat on top on her and started choking her. She was gasping for air, and struggling to move from under his heavy weight. I started screaming “stop it, just stop it, get away from her.” I stood in fear, speechless of what was happening. A hot summer’s night suddenly felt frozen, turned to ice, the no existed chill in the air became real.

      I began to beg my Dad to get off my Step Mum; he wouldn’t listen to and started to aggressively punch her in the face. Jack became fearful to the violence that was occurring and hid behind the couch while squealing. I begged my dad again to stop hurting her, but he wouldn’t listen. My Step Mum had blood running down her face, a broken nose and a busted lip. I began to cry as I saw the blood dripping onto the floor. My Dad carried on hitting her and hitting her, he wouldn’t stop. I ran into the back room where a baseball bat was kept, I grabbed the bat and ran back into the living room. I started to hit the bat as hard as I could onto the side of the living room door to try and get my Dad’s attention hoping it would stop him hitting my Step Mum.  It didn’t work! So I dropped the bat to the floor and jumped onto his back to pull him off my Step Mum.  He struggled standing up with me on his back but once he did he grabbed the side of arm and threw me across the room into a brick wall. In the meantime my Step Mum had fought to stand up onto her feet, covered in her own blood.

           My Dad turned to me and told me to “Stay out of it or else.” He turned back around and grabbed my Step Mum by the neck once more and pushed her threw the open front door onto the grass in the front garden. She fell to the ground once again crying with pain. The next door neighbours awakened by the screaming and shouting started peeking through their bedroom windows. One neighbour came outside and asked my Dad if everything was alright. He walked over to the fence where the neighbour was to speak to him.

      Meanwhile Jack ran out of the house and through the unlocked gate, running away from the violence. I ran after jack chasing him down the street shouting his name, but he was too fast for me and I lost track of him. My Dad soon caught up with me, screaming “get back into that house you stupid girl.” I ran back to the house out fear of what he might do if he didn’t. I got to the end of the gate and My Step Mum was nowhere to be seen in the garden. I walked up to the front door and she came rushing out, she kissed me on the forehead with blood and her tears running down her face. She told me she was sorry and she had to go , she can’t stay here. She had rushed into the house to get the car keys, she ran to the car and waved goodbye to me. I started to cry again, I was confused, I didn’t understand what had happened; all I knew was that it was very wrong.

         I walked back into the house and shortly after my Step Mum waved goodbye, my Dad came back to the house. He raised his voice and told me to go upstairs and get ready for bed, I did exactly that and then I heard a barking. JACK!!! I ran down the stairs, unlocked the front door and there he was waiting at the end of the gate. I ran outside to get him; I picked him up, cuddled him and kissed him on the head. I started walking back towards the house and there my Dad stood staring at me… I gasped. He had a displeasured raged look in his eyes….. He was not my Dad anymore…..

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xoxox

20 Things You Should Never Say To Somebody With An Eating Disorder

1. You do not look thin enough to have an eating disorder.

( An eating disorder is not a body type , it is an illness in the mind)

2. Would you like to try some of this food?

( If the individual feels pressured and forced to eat the food it will back fire on the person offering the food )

3. You are just looking for attention for someone to compliment you on your weight.

( Making the person feel selfish and stupid for having an eating disorder)

4. Just eat more would you.

( Again will feel pressured) 

5. I wish I could loose weight like you.

( May encourage the individual to loose more weight)

6. You looked better before.

( Makes them feel confused and ashamed of their weight)

7. Why don't you just exercise?

( Makes the person feel stupid)

8. What have you eaten today?

( Feels like they are being watched at everything they do)

9. What is it like to have an eating disorder? 

( An upsetting and emotional question)

10. I didn't invite you out because you don't eat.

( Makes the person feel worthless)

11. You have eaten more than yesterday.

( Makes the person feel ashamed for eating more)

12. How much do you weigh? 

(Assuming they are fat)

13. If you think you are fat , then I must be fat too.

( feels bad about themselves)

14. If you eat everything will be better.

( Feels forced , confused , worthless and stupid)

15. You look healthier , you have put a little weight on.

( Thinks you are calling the individual fat)

16. I will make sure you will eat.

( Again Feeling forced to eat)

17. You will get over it soon enough.

( Makes the person feel stupid)

18. I am glad you have eaten something.

( Makes the person feel ashamed for eating)

19. Negative comments about somebody else's weight.

( Paranoid about what they may think of their weight)

20. I will buy you some food.

( Feeling controlled) 

( Being someone who has suffered with anorexia for the  past 8 years , these comments  have been personally made to me and have had a sensitive emotional effect on myself ,I thought I would write a little blog post to help people understand what comments said or made to a person with eating disorder could possibly find offensive and have a negative effect on the individual. However not every person with an eating disorder will have the same sensibility as each other , so they may find some comments more sensitive than others. I am in no means way saying that every person with an eating disorder feels this way , I have just written this from my own perspective of comments that have been made relating to myself having an eating disorder which I have personally found distressing.) 

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xoxox

  

Turning Negative Thoughts About Yourself Into Positive Thoughts About Yourself

Hello there everyone! :) Often people dwell on negative thoughts during a depressing and stressful period in their life. I am guilty of doing this too , during my low days I often think negative thoughts about myself and seem to bully myself in my head over and over. Doing this time and time again is not mentally or psychically healthy for anyone. So I recently came up with a strategy to help decrease these ridiculously negative nonsense thoughts. I wrote down a list of  the negative things I tell myself and turned them into positive things I NEED to tell myself. I am going to read this list everyday until the positive thoughts are implanted in my brain. Whenever I am feeling low and them nasty negative thoughts try and slip into my head , I will remember the positives that I changed from the negatives and repeat them to myself.    

I hope anyone who is struggling with negative thoughts finds this list helpful , or I would love to see you come up with your own list of changing negative thoughts into positive thoughts! :)  

I tell myself I am WORTHLESS 

I need to tell myself I am WORTH IT

I tell myself I am STUPID 

I need to tell myself I am a different kind of SMART

I tell myself I am UGLY 

I need to tell myself I am BEAUTIFUL in my own way

I tell myself I am DAMAGED 

I need to tell myself things take TIME to be fixed

I tell myself I am WEAK

I need to tell myself  your not weak because your heart is still beating STRONG

I tell myself  nobody CARES

I need to tell myself  there is somebody who will always CARE

I tell myself I am INFERIOR 

I need to tell myself I am equally UNIQUE  

I tell myself I deserve to be UNHAPPY 

I need to tell myself everyone deserve to be HAPPY including yourself

I tell myself everybody hates me

I need to tell myself the people worth keeping LOVE you

I tell myself I am a failure 

I need to tell myself you have to fail once or twice to eventually SUCCEED 

  

I tell myself I CANT  do this

I need to tell myself I CAN do this

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xoxox

5 Myths And Facts About Mental Health

Myth: Mental Health is very rare and only affects a few people. 

Fact: Mental Health is more common than people think and often affects one in four people.

Myth: Children can not suffer with a Mental Health illness.

Fact: All ages include Children are capable of suffering with a Mental Health problem. 

Myth: People suffering with a Mental Health illness are violent and unpredictable.

Fact: It is actually fairly common that individuals suffering with Mental Health Problems have been a victim of violence or abuse.

Myth: Parents are to blame for an individual suffering with  an Mental Health illness.

Fact: The way a parent brings up their child is not to blame for an individual having a Mental Health Problem. There is actually no specific cause itself that is to blame for a Mental Health illness.

Myth:  People with a Mental Health illness are not able to work and function in society.

Fact: Actually 90% of people suffering with a Mental Health problem are able to work and function within society. Although they may find it more difficult it doesn't mean they are not capable. 

















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xoxox

Understanding The Different Types Of Eating Disorders

Eating disorders are when an individual has a constant battle with their eating habits and their attitude and behaviour towards food which becomes unhealthy abnormal. An eating disorder is an illness within an individuals mind which has a physical unhealthy affect on the individuals body because of there eating habits. The individual with an eating disorder can not understand and separate what others see about there body to what they see about their body. The person's perception of themselves often means there unhealthy eating habits and behaviours become a familiar cycle which is very difficult to break out off.

There are 3 common known eating disorders , which include Anorexia Nervosa , Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating/ Compulsive Overeating. 

Anorexia nervosa is when an individual tries to keep their weight as low as possible by starving themselves and exercising excessively. Whereas ,Bulimia nervosa is when an  individual tries to loose weight or maintain their weight by binge eating/ overeating and deliberately making themselves sick or using laxatives to empty their bowels. Binge eating and compulsive overeating which is often related to obesity is also an eating disorder. Binge eating or compulsive overeating is at the opposite end of the scale relating to eating habits compared to Anorexia.   


I myself have personally suffered with Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia by being addicted to laxatives for a long time. I have previously written a blog post touching briefly on my story , if you would like to read more about my story here is the link below.

CONFESSIONS OF LIVING WITH ANOREXIA NERVOSA ( MY STORY )  

Possible Causes Of An Eating Disorder

There are many different causes of a possible eating disorder , there is not just one particular cause. Each individual is different and their reasons behind developing an eating disorder vary from each other , although some individuals may have similarities. 

. One possible cause of an eating disorder may be down to genes. If a person has a family history of eating disorders , depression or substance misuse , it is possible that this could be a factor of an individual developing an eating disorder. 

. Being bullied or heavily criticised about a person's body shape , weight or eating habits could have an emotional , mental and psychical impact on an individual and could be a cause of them developing an eating disorder.    

. Society and media influences could be a cause of an individual developing an eating disorder . With the media constantly portraying " What is perfect" could have a negative impact on an individual. 

. An individual with an obsessive personality , an anxiety disorder or low self-esteem may be at risk to developing an eating disorder.

. Sexual or emotional abuse and difficult relationships with family or friends could be a possible cause of an individual developing an eating disorder.

. Stressful situations and life events such as work , school , university ,struggling marriage , divorce or break up , death of a loved one , money troubles or strained relationships with family and friends could be a factor of a person developing an eating disorder. 

    

Anorexia Nervosa

Individuals suffering with anorexia nervosa are often under weight for what they should weigh for a healthy weight. People suffering with anorexia mental state is to constantly lose weight , as they see themselves much bigger than they actually are. For example looking into mirror they may see someone who is the size of a tiger but in actual fact they are a size of a cat. Their whole life becomes revolved around weight , body image and their relationship with food. 

Behaviours 

. Wearing baggy or loose clothes to cover their body.

. Weighing themselves daily 

. Measuring themselves , such as their waist and hip size

. Checking their body in the mirror 

. Constantly asking people if they have put weight on 

. Holding their belly or crossing their arms over their body 

. Individuals may tell lies about eating or what they have eaten 

. Giving excuses about why they are not eating 

. Pretending they have already eaten earlier 

. Lying about how much weight they have lost

How Anorexia Affects An Individual 

. Obsessively reading cookery books and recipes 

. Constantly dieting 

. Counting calories in food obsessively 

. Avoiding food 

. Eating only specific foods

. Fasting 

. Avoiding eating with others

. Hiding food

. Cutting food into small pieces 

. Taking appetite suppressants 

   

 Bulimia Nervosa



Bulimia is a cruel cycle for an individual as it is a cycle that is hard to break out of. People suffering with bulimia tend to have very low self-esteem and often think they are much bigger than they actually are. Individuals have strict rules about there diet , eating and exercise but these rules tend to fail for the individual and the individual ends up bingeing on large amounts of food and then forces themselves to be sick or take laxatives to get rid of the food consumed. This behaviour often happens because of the guilt the individual feels for bingeing out. 


Behaviours 

. Disappearing soon after eating food ( usually to the bathroom)

.Mood swings 

.Spending large amounts on money for bingeing 

.Overly exercising

.Isolated from others

.Not eating with people

.Anxiety

.Depression 

. Social avoidance


How Bulimia Nervosa Affects An Individual 


. Regular weight changes

.Isolation from others

. Obsessive towards there eating habits

.Swelling of cheeks and jaw area 

.Stained teeth 

. Constant body aches and pains 

. Acne / Spots 

. Damaged bowels

. Heart and other organ problems 

. Rapid mood changes

. Lack of energy



Binge Eating Disorder 




Individuals who deal with their feelings and emotions through eating food consistently are often known to have a binge eating disorder. Food provides comfort and sense of relief from the individuals anxieties , stress and feelings that they are experiencing. People with a binge eating disorder often have no control over their eating habits. Generally people with a binge eating disorder have very low self-esteem , depression and anxiety. 


Behaviours 

. Lying about what they have or haven't eaten 

. Hiding food

. Rapidly eating large amounts of food

. Complaining about being hungry although they have just eaten 

. Rapid weight gain 

. Mood changes 

. Isolation 


How Binge Eating Disorder Affects An Individual 


. High cholesterol 

. High blood pressure 

. Diabetes

. Asthma 

. Chronic Back Pain 

. Osteoarthritis 

. Heart Disease

. Depression 

. Further anxiety and low self-esteem 






I hope you all find this post useful :) for further information about this topic or if you are seeking help and support see my information and help page! :D 


( Help & Information Link)





Love Ava 
xoxox