Dear Reader , Love A Mum With Mental Health ( Open letter To Mental Health Sufferers )

 Dear Reader , 

Being a mum with mental health conditions has never been easy. Being a mum in general is not easy. Some days I don't want to get up , get washed and dressed. I want to hide underneath my bed sheets hoping that the pain I am feeling inside will go away. People who don't understand mental health often say , you have beautiful children and a loving husband what have you got to be sad about , why wouldn't you want to live anymore? Mental health goes much deeper than you realise. You see it is easy to feel that way when you feel not good enough , a failure as a mother and wife , you feel like they would be better off without you. Mental health can effect anyone at any stage in there life. For me mental health started early, I was 8 years old when I was diagnosed with serve depression and anxiety . My anorexia diagnosis came later on in my teens and then along came my Autism diagnosis  which my mum fought  for since I was 6 years old. When I was 8 I said to my mum that I didn't want to be here anymore and I couldn't understand why I felt that way . I have never had self love or thought that I was good enough for anyone. I have never really understand why I have felt like that, my mum gave me everything she could growing up even now till this day she is there anytime I need here despite her own struggles in life. Mental health is more complicated than people know.  Although autism isn't a mental health condition it is an invisible disability , it is a big part of my mental health as my brain is wired differently it causes me to see things and understand things differently which often trigger anxiety and depressive episodes. When I was younger it was hard to understand that especially as I got my autism diagnosis when I was 21. 

      I once got asked if anxiety is like getting butterflies in your tummy.  The answer is no. Anxiety is an evil and twisted illness that can really pollute and poison your own mind. My anxiety has got that bad on a handful of occasions that during an anxiety attack my symptoms mimic a heart attack . I literally thought I was going to drop dead there and then. Emergency services where called on those occasions and I felt stupid and embarrassed that my anxiety had caused that. Anxiety symptoms take a toll on a persons body , so I constantly feel drain and exhausted. Most days I want to hide away but I cant because I have my children to take care off. I have to get up a fight.

         The guilt I feel when I am having a bad day and the thoughts of ending my life run through my mind sometimes feels unbearable. When my 4 year old and 2 year old catch me crying and they are the ones that are wiping my tears of my face telling me your fine mummy , it breaks my heart. I look into there eyes and think to myself I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my 3 daughters . I hate myself for feeling that way but unfortunately you can't click your fingers and change the way you feel. 

  I tried to commit suicide at 17 , I took an overdose and my heart almost stopped. The paramedics saved me. I was bullied for a long time and my mental health was greatly effected. I have acted on those darks thoughts along with years of self harm. But my children are light in my darkness . It is hard to see a light when everything seems so dark but everyone has a light , it might not be obvious to you but it is there. 

When you have mental health it is hard not to take things personally from your children . Especially when they are misbehaving or they shout at you that they hate you and you are the worst mum ever because you said no to them trying to climb up a cupboard so they can pretend to be a fairy and fly off it! It is hard not to be sensitive and take it personally when you feel so low but you have to find some inner strength to ignore it . My mental health effects me daily , there a things I can't do in the outside world because of it. I admit I run away from things a lot because I am frightened . I probably will suffer with mental health for the rest of my life , mental health is apart of many people and we shouldn't feel ashamed that we suffer from it. 

I am expecting baby number 4 , another girl! I keep asking myself how am I going to cope , I feel like I am barely coping as it is. But I know I will keep going , keep fighting each day like I have always done.

Sufferers are not alone , so many people suffer in silence and I don't want that anymore . It is okay not to be okay. Nobody should feel ashamed or alone for something they can't control. We all have got this because we are still here fighting mental health our own way. Everyone has a different story when it comes to mental health but we are never alone. We are stronger than we think. 

One day I hope not to feel like this , you know when sufferers say that they don't want to be here anymore , it is not that we don't want to be here anymore . It is that we want the pain inside that we feel to stop but we don't know another way to make it stop without not being here. Mental health is a cruel disease. 

             Love Just A Mum 

           With Mental health     

                          xox 

 

AUTISM : Why A Knock At The Door , Phone Calls & Letters Are Distressing.... ( ADULT WITH AUTISM )

                          

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and has had a lovely Christmas and New year. Today I wanted to talked about certain situations being an adult with autism that I personally struggle with. 

                               

The Knock At The Door

Even as an adult I still need structure and routine , so If somebody knocks at my front who I am not expecting or I don't know is coming can often cause me to have a panic attack because I am thrown off guard. It can become a stressful situation that I wasn't prepared for , whether it is a family member who just turns up to say hello or a stranger trying to sell something, my mind and body goes into a state of distress and I end up hiding on the floor because I become that scared of who is at the door. Obviously having to young children means that sometimes the person knocking at the door can hear them especially when my eldest shouts " mummy who is at the door ". Which often means they will continue to keep knocking louder which causes more distress for me as I am sensitive to sound. No I don't answer the door because usually by this point I am in tears because I have got that overwhelmed and stressed out at the thought of who it could be. I have had bad experiences that have led me to be more anxious around  ' A knock at the door ' such as someone actually walking into my home and throwing a parcel across my living room. Last year my husband and I was in a bad financial position and debt collectors came knocking at the door and I hid my children and myself until they went which seemed like forever. I have had people look through my kitchen window thinking nobody was home (this has happened a handful of times ). They are experiences that haven't contributed well to my anxiety that is already there about opening the front door. I am aware it could be something as simple as the postman dropping a parcel off because next door are not in, but when you are not expecting anyone it sends you into a torment of anxiety and distress. The stress doesn't take you an hour to recover , it takes days to feel relaxed again.


                            

                                                     


Phone Calls 

Phone calls is another thing I personally find difficult , especially as there tends to be more information given to you over the phone. Understanding information is a big part of what I struggle with , I struggle to process information and I often need it  breaking down for me in order for me to understand it. Like 'the knock at the door ' phone calls cause a lot of anxiety and distress for me , so I often tend to avoid phone calls or my husband talks on my behalf if needed. In some circumstances I do have to speak on the phone to confirm my identity etc which I find incredibly overwhelming and difficult , so I often avoid those situations as much as possible. There was one occasion I had to speak on the phone and I didn't understand what they was asking me , I apologized and said I was autistic and asked if they could explain to me in a different way and they put the phone down on me. I felt stupid and useless that I didn't understand what they was asking me. Another reason which causes anxiety around speaking on the phone is that I can't actually see that person who is on the other end of the phones face. Even though I struggle with eye contact in person not being able to see a persons face or put the voice to a persons face is very hard to comprehend and can feel very confusing for me.  





                             




Letters/ Mail 

Letters are something else I really struggle with . Again a lot of information can be put into letters and I can't always make sense or break down what the information is saying. I do often have to ask my mum for help regarding anything letter wise to make sure everything is correct and I don't misunderstand anything. My husband has a form of dyslexia so he can struggle with letters to at times. So I do often always ask my mum for advice. Sometimes I can interpret little details different which could mean the whole letter could end up meaning something completely different to what it is intended and often I always think the worst of a situation. Usually when I think it is something bad I start getting upset and then it is a horrible circle of anxiety again. 






                                      Thank you for reading 
                                               Love Ava
                                                    xoxo

The Festive Financial Stress Greatly Impacts Your Mental Health

                       

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and has had a lovely week. Today I want to talk about the financial stresses at this time of year which many families experience especially with children. 

       The Christmas season is coming up and everywhere you go you hear children say I want , I want , I want. Of course they are just children and don't understand that maybe there mummy and daddy can't afford those things they would like. It doesn't matter how many times adults and family members tell you,  just buy your kids what you can afford , it doesn't make you feel any less of a failure for not been able to provide what they are asking for.
        Something really upset me this week , my eldest was at nursery and they all sat in a circle and went round in a circle and said what they would like for Christmas. Now I understand nursery is just trying to get the children excited for Christmas , but not everyone is in a financial situation to afford expensive items. Not once has my eldest mentioned she wanted a purple bike until that day. She wanted Disney dolls which my husband and I had saved and found a good deal on ebay of all 12 Disney dolls for £50 which we got a few months ago , which worked out just over £4 for each doll. I wanted to cry , my eldest expected a bike at home that night and was confused why there wasn't one. We can't afford £100 on one item , especially when my eldest is 3 and understands quantity not quality! The next day while the children was getting there Christmas photos done , I overheard one of the staff say to my eldest Daisie-Mae have you been looking in those magazines for that  bike you want for christmas! I just looked at my husband and started tearing up. I mean how do I explain to her that she might not get a bike. This time last year we couldn't even afford food and we was living off a food bank for over 3 months. We couldn't pay bills and our gas/electric got cut of in the middle of December . Although we are able to put food on the table every week now , we aren't in the financial situation to spend money on expensive items , just like many other families can't afford it.
             I feel so stressed and my mental health has been hugely effected , I am 6 months pregnant worried how we are going to get through the Christmas period. I have even looked at taking loans out just to get us through the next couple of months , but i just feel like it is going to be a horrible circle. Once those loans are paid off , I feel like its going to be a repeat and I will have to take out another and then another. I am in two minds of what to do. I feel so sad , I have had days where I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like a useless mother not been able to provide for my children and I have another baby on the way. Most of the time I feel like my children would be better off without me. 
          The commercial side of Christmas starts earlier and earlier every year , it puts so much pressure and stress on parents. So many parents  become mental ill this time of year due to the constant pressure. What happened to the meaning of Christmas ? FAMILY , LOVED ONES , KINDNESS.  It is very easy to forget that when the commercial side of Christmas is shoved in your face from the last few weeks of summer! 
       My mum always taught me , that you get what you are given and you appreciate it because not everyone in the world is lucky to get things . I am finding this really difficult to teach my children , when people around them encourage them to expect things. Of course I would love to be in a situation to  give my children what they would like. But I want them to understand appreciation , respect ,  and that not everyone is fortunate to have nice things.

        Love Ava

                                                                                                                            xoxox

       

An Open Letter To My Angel

To my angel ,

 I will never know if you was a boy or girl , to me your my angel in sky. I have been thinking about you a lot the past few days , we never really got a chance to grieve or say goodbye properly. I wish I could of kept you and I am so very so mummy wasn't well enough to carry you much longer. I will always feel guilt my darling and wonder what would of been. Maybe if I had been stronger , Mummy could of held on to you longer. The pain of feeling like I had given birth to you but didn't have you to hold was the most heart aching feeling in the world. I cried for you before i was put to sleep , I cried for you when I woke up from surgery. My heart wanted to keep you but my body and mind couldn't. I am so very sorry my angel , I will always blame myself. shine bright in the night sky for me , there won't be a day that goes by that you are not on my mind.

With love 

 Mummy x 

2018 A Year That Tested My Mental Health ( Month By Month Diary)

Hello everyone , I hope you had a lovely Christmas and New year and not having holiday blues too much. Lets just say my Christmas has not been smooth sailing , couple of trips to the hospital and doctors for my family , I don't want to go into details as this is going to be a long blog post anyway. 
       Today's blog post is going to be about 2018 and my struggles with mental health , personal and family struggles too.


                   




January 2018 -  In early January my lip randomly swelled up within seconds it was the size of a golf ball and I was taken into hospital after ringing 111 ( In the UK it is a number you ring before 999 for advice on what to do ) the 111 number rang an ambulance and the paramedics gave me adrenaline and my lip went down and I was taken into hospital. The doctors told me it looked like I had an allergic reaction to something , to this day I still have no idea what. I didn't eat anything or touch anything different than I normally would that day , I was just sat on the sofa at home when it happened , fingers crossed it doesn't happen again. Unfortunately that experience has caused a year of anxiety around food , every meal since then I have had an anxiety attack during meal times. It has become draining and tiring , I am fed up and want it to stop. If you have followed my blog for awhile you will know I have been battling an eating disorder for a long time , which now this anxiety towards has made that worse and my attitude towards food worse. It is a horrible feeling being scared to eat something and feeling like you are reacting or going to react to the food you are eating. I constantly feel like my lips are swelling everytime I eat and I have had enough of feeling this way. 
          At the end of January of 2018 I was 6 months pregnant with my Daughter Luna-Rose and I started to collapse during my pregnancy, I was so scared the first time I collapsed I was on my own with my eldest daughter who is now 2 years old. I passed a couple of times when I was pregnant with my eldest Daisie-Mae so I knew when my body didnt feel right. Because of that familiarity I rang my mum straight away on video chat said I didnt feel right made sure Daisie-Mae was safe and then passed out across my bedroom floor. My hearing went and everything went black , I am not sure how long I was passed out for it felt like eternity but my mum stay on the phone with me until I came around and made sure Daisie-Mae was safe. Daisie- Mae sensed something was wrong with mummy so she sat on my bed and stayed there until I came around , she was rubbing my back when I woke up telling me you are okay mummy. I tried to carry on and thought I would be okay , about a week later a collapsed in a shop over the pram and an Ambulance was rang and my husband had to come from work to get me , the paramedics checked everything over and I said I didn't want to go to hospital so my husband Alex took me to my mum's house and he went back to work. I didn't feel safe anymore and it certainly wasn't safe for my daughter anymore.

February 2018 - From February until the end of April I was at her house 6 days a week or I was with someone everyday. The passing out got worse , at one point in February I collapsed in the car and my mum thought I was having a seizure because of my movements and I didn't respond for a period of time. I felt exhausted by this point , I would have to sleep for a few hours after I would collapse I thought so drained and I really don't know how I would of coped without my mum. My birthday was in February and it was an awful time that morning I already unloved and unwanted now I look back I just feel like a brat. I got upset because my husband didnt get me a card or one of our daughter and that is all I wanted was a card of my daughter saying happy birthday. Unfortunately finance hasn't been on our side in 2018 which meant my husband and I didn't offered have spare money at the end of month. That is why looking back I feel like a brat about it. I just felt so unloved and unwanted at the time.  My mum cheered me up though by taking me to a craft fair , both my mum and I are crafters we love making and creating things so that cheered me up in the afternoon. Although been autistic I found the craft fair very overwhelming and need time out a few times, I still enjoyed it. 

March 2018 - By March the collapsing was almost everyday and I was struggling to walk around at this point. I had a growth scan in mid march and during the scan I collapsed again and the sonographer ran out to get a nurse , my mum was outside with Daisie-Mae as children were not allowed in the room. I was wheeled off to the pregnancy triage and within 20 minutes I was admitted to the wards. I was in hospital for 3 days I hated been apart from my little girl I just wanted to go home. During the 3 months I was constantly telling my doctor and community midwife about collapsing which they kept saying they would look into , by this point I was in hospital before anything was looked at. I was anemic , well I still am  but my iron was very low and it had made me very ill , my heart rate was very fast and I had low blood pressure but that is normal for me anyway to have low blood pressure. I was referred to a cardiologist while I was in hospital and I had to have lots of blood tests , I was put on a drip because I was dehydrated and I was waiting for a blood transfusion for a couple of days and in the end they didn't give me one and just prescribed a lot of iron tablets. My mum was looking after Daisie-Mae in the day while I was in hospital as my husband had to work. By the third day Alex said he would look after Daisie-Mae and he asked his boss if it was okay. My mum was really tired as she has health problems herself that cause her to be in pain everyday so she was exhausted by this point so we told her to stay in bed. Alex got to the hospital with Daisie-Mae and told me his boss was already pressuring him to go into and he explain he had to look after his daughter. His boss seemed to expected him to just leave Daisie-Mae in the hospital. Alex and I don't have alot of family around us to help so we couldn't ask anyone at this point. So I asked the doctor to discharge me despite been unwell. The doctor did as I asked and within 5 minutes of walking through my front door , Alex's boss messaged him to come into work immediately. My husband got a tattoo apprenticeship in December 2017 so in January 2018 he started his apprenticeship and went part time at his full time job. Since he went part time , certain people including his boss started to treat him differently , they started pressuring him and bullying him. My husband started to loose who he is was in March , he came home unhappy , sad and would hardly say anything to me. It broke my heart to see him that way and I couldn't help fix it. 

April 2018 - In April I was still collapsing but not as frequent. I was still scared of been on my own but I began to feel a little better and felt more mobile. I only had 6 weeks left of my pregnancy at this point so I began to enjoy it a little more. 
        In April my husband and I began to get handwritten letters threatening us. This person threaten to take our children away from us. This person had already been harassing us for over year but they was being smart about it and using other people to do it. This person is not allowed access to our children for very good reasons and as parents we protect our children. This person threaten us because they can't see our children , so instead tried threaten us and even used legal companies making up lies to try and contact us. This person the year before had contacted social services and made up a lie that Alex and I was giving certain substances to our eldest daughter Daisie-Mae and abusing her. This was a lie and was found out to be a lie. Luckily the health visitors knew about this person and what they was capable off. It absolutely broke Alex and I. The threats where now becoming annoying more than anything , we knew by this point they would never get there hands on our children. 
       At the end of April , my Grandparents came home for the arrival of Luna-Rose. Which took a weight of mine and my mum's shoulders as we had been pretty much living in each others pockets for the past few months. 


May 2018 - May came and we celebrated the arrival of Luna-Rose on the 11th of may. It was an easy birth compared to Daisie-Mae I was surprised how quick I recovered and I was at home within less than 24 hours of giving birth. I felt great , tired but great. Daisie-Mae was overwhelmed with emotion when she first saw Luna-Rose she couldn't believe  there was a baby and then after 10 minutes of tears she was cuddling and kissing her. 
      Alex had an agreement with his boss that he could have 2 weeks holiday after the birth of Luna-Rose because paternity leave he would loss alot more money. We was already struggle money wise. Of course a few days after Luna was born his boss started pressuring him to go in. Alex was getting frustrated , anxious and upset , after a long talk he quit his job. No job is worth your mental health and sanity . I was not prepared to watch my husband's mental get any worse because of that job. 
       We enjoyed having some family time for a couple of weeks and Alex went full time at the tattoo shop. I began to feel more myself again and was able to stay on my own again .


June 2018 - Apart from wedding planning stress , June was an nice easy month. We celebrated Daisie-Mae's 2nd birthday and we had lots of family days out. The weather was lovely during June , so lots of walks in the evening trying to shift the extra few pounds to fit in my wedding dress in July. I ordered my dress before I found out I was Pregnant , so after birth I was like AHHHHHH I need to loose weight now I have 11 weeks to fit in a size 6 dress!!! I went alot bigger than expected during pregnancy with Luna-rose than with Daisie-Mae. My 1st pregnancy I didn't show at all , so I did not expect to be as big as I was with Luna-Rose. 
At the end of June I had my cardiologist appointment which I was referred too in March. Believe it or not I am still waiting for the results. 



July 2018 - My emotions all over the place in early July. Excited , nervous , stressed , overwhelmed!!! 
       22nd of July!!!! Wedding day has arrived .... Ahhh the excited , the butterflies , the nerves!!! It was a fabulous day surrounded by the people we love the most. For the first time in my life I actually felt beautiful stood there in my wedding dress saying my vows. We loved every minute of our wedding day. 
         Nothing goes plain sailing with us though does it! 2 days after the wedding a car drove into the side of us and then a few weeks later a letter came from the police saying that the driver had reported my husband to the police saying he was dangerous driving... Yet they was the one who drove into us and then had a phone in there hand taking pictures of our car as they drove off.
     3 days after the wedding just as we nipped into town to grab a few bits before we went to the lakes for our honeymoon and we came home to pick up our cases. We took Daisie-Mae out the car and she was just starring into thin air.... I had Luna-Rose and we went inside the house. Alex put Daisie-Mae on the sofa and she started having a seizure. I have never been so scared in my life to see my baby that way. I rang an ambulance and gave information they asked for. By this point my baby was blue and not responding , Alex was rubbing her back , trying really hard to get her to respond. She was unconscious but slowing breathing. During this time I rang my mum to come and get Luna-Rose when I had finished on the phone to the ambulance service. After 25 minutes still no ambulance and my baby was still unconscious. I forgot to mention that when we pulled up to our house the car was leaking petrol really bad we noticed it while we was in town. So when my mum pulled up I ran to her and said we needed to get to the hospital now. Daisie-Mae was in my arms and I got in the car and she drove to the hospital. We pulled up at the ambulance bit and screamed for help , no one would help so I ran into the emergency entrance and a nurse came running to help me and took us in a bay. Daisie-Mae started to wake up and she was crying for me , her speech was slurred and I started panicking if she was okay. I couldn't understand what had happened to my baby. My mum parked up and Alex made his way to the hospital with Luna-Rose. My mum had phoned my grandma to help come and get Luna , So they took Luna-Rose back to my mum's and she stay there while Alex and I stay with Daisie-Mae. They did lots of tests on Daisie-Mae , she even had a CT scan as she was showing no signs of temperature so they ruled out a Febrile seizure. The doctors and nurses where baffled , they kept her under observation for 24 hours and said they wouldn't investigate any further until she has another seizure , luckily she has not had one since. We ended up going on our honeymoon trip to the lakes in September instead but cut our trip short in the end due to my anxiety.

August 2018 -  Money troubles started to hit us and started causing arguments between Alex and I. He was earning anything to pay the bills. He didn't want me too work , or even if I did my family don't seem to think I will cope. He was the one looking after our family and we was not been looked after. We wasn't even entitle to anything from the benefits or help. We had no money coming in bills weren't getting paid , we was struggling to pay for food. 



September 2018 - September came and money was still a big issue and arguments was still happening. By September my Anxiety had got worse. I was experiencing symptoms I have never experinced before. I was shaking , having hot sweats I felt like I couldn't breathe , I felt my face was swelling , I would feel dizzy. I began to have anxiety attacks everyday and become emotional. I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't want to go back on tablets but I knew I could't carry on this way not with two children. I went to the doctors to start back on anti-depressants , I was prescribed venafluxine which I had for years before having children , I stopped when I was pregnant with my first child. I knew they suited me , I was anxious about taken them. Food , touch and medication was still a big issue for me from what happened in January has still stuck with me and caused anxiety. Anyway not wanting to feel this way anymore motivated me to take them. However I reacted to the medication and my husband had to ring an ambulance.My husband  play football on Sundays and we was at football at the time I reacted too it. My face and body felt like it was on fire , I felt like I couldn't breathe , my sight was going funny. I felt like I was going to pass out , I couldn't understand what was happening. I was checked over at the hospital it turns out while I was experiencing all the side effects with venafluxine I also had an anxiety attack and my body couldn't handle it and went all over the place. I thought I would be the safest with the tablet because of having it for years previously. This made my anxiety worse and by the end of September I felt suicidal and started to self harm. 

October 2018 -  During October my husband had to stay at home more often because I didn't want to be here anymore. I started to cut myself on my arms and I wanted to end my life. My anxiety attacks had become several times a day , I was scared of myself . I went back to the doctors and they referred me to the mental health team and we aimed to go down therapy route. I was then referred to a psychologist who specialist in autism. Been autistic therapy can be hard to communicate so it is easier to have someone who understand and is patience with you. I haven't had good experiences in the past down to lack of communicate and understanding. Alex and I began to argue over everything and anything which became stressful on both parts. 


November 2018 -  I Started therapy and I was back to been at my mum's most days, I felt scared of myself. Alex and I had spoke about separating after Christmas , i felt like a failure. 4 months into marriage and already talking about separating. 
        After all the stress I didn't even think about that time of month and then a realized I was really late. I tried to brush it of  but within a few days I was having symptoms of morning sickness and I just knew I was pregnant. Thousands of thoughts was going through my head , how can I be pregnant again ? we have been using condoms. I can't be. But I just knew I was. I took a test which confirmed it and I went to the doctors. I was about 6 weeks pregnant.... 

December 2018 - Unfortunately I was not able to continue with the pregnancy due to medical reasons and I had surgery at 8 weeks pregnant on the 12th of December . I have spoke about saying goodbye to our angel on my previous post I posted before Christmas. 
       My grandparents came home on the day I had my surgery , they live in turkey , so they flew back for Christmas. They was there to help me aswell as my mum through a difficult time. My Grandparents knew about our difficult time with money and kindly gifted Alex and I some money so we was able to buy our children some presents for Christmas , I am forever grateful for there kindness , they didn't need to help us. 
The sadness of saying to our baby actually brought Alex and I together again. We became closer and agreed to fight for each other. 
    Christmas was a lovely day with Family I couldn't ask for anything better. Boxing day I ended up in hospital , loosing a lot of blood over the past weeks in December after surgery made my iron levels drop again and went funny again like when I was pregnant. So I spend boxing day in hospital and the next few days resting. 
       Finishing the year with a bang they say..... 
Nothing goes smoothly for us does it ha! On new years eve that morning while we was getting dressed , Daisie-Mae climb up onto our cupboard in our bedroom and manged to reach some of Alex's art work solution which is for blending colours  together it has some acid in it. It was an unopened bottle and she managed to get a child proof lid off and drank some of it. It is a clear solution so I think she thought it was a bottle of water. Alex and I had our backs turned for  a minute while we picking out our clothes and she had done this! Within seconds she started choking and coughing and thought she had pinched some chocolate of the side and choked on it. Then I smelt and saw the solution on the side with the cap off  , we rang an ambulance as she started to turn a greyish colour and was still coughing. They told us to lay her on her side. You could smell the solution on her breath it was so strong and smelt like nail polish remover. The ambulance service said if we could get her to the hospital to get her there straight away because it was busy in the area and an ambulance wouldn't get there for another 20 minutes. So we put her in the car and drove to the hospital, we rang my mum on the way and she was going to meet us there to get Luna-Rose , once again comes to the rescue. I ran into the children's A&E and asked for help , they got a nurse and took us into a bay straight away  , by this time she had stopped coughing and was spaced out but awake. She had tests done including a chest x-ray and everything came back fine internally. She had to be monitored for several hours just in case something happened but she was fine and was back to herself a few days later. Children don't half put the fear in you!





So that was my 2018 and it has really pushed my mental health this year ,don't get me wrong there were some special and happy moments in 2018 like the birth of Luna-Rose and getting married. But it has been a very hard year and I am sure many other people will have been tested in 2018. I hope 2019 is a better year and my anxiety gets better so I can be the best mum I can be. 








                                  Thank you for reading 
                                       Love Ava 
                                            xoxo

The Suicidal Thoughts You Keep Fighting Everyday PART 3 - Medication Problems , Financial Stress & Feeling Scared

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and looking forward to there weekend.

 Personally the past couple of weeks have been mentally draining and in my last blog post I talked about how I was struggling to cope with my anxiety and that I made the decision to go back to the doctors and ask for help. 
The outcome of that was that I was put back on anti-depressants venafalxine  , however I reacted to the medication prescribed and ended up been taken into hospital in an ambulance , which I am still struggling to understand why I reacted to it when I had venaflaxine for years but stopped taking them when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest daughter. After my hospital trip I went back to my doctor and he agreed medication would not be best for me , especially when my anxiety revolves around what is put in my body it is just going to cause more anxiety and distress.
I am trying to get through each day , I feel mentally , physically and emotionally drained. 
Financial stress and worry is not helping my anxiety either. My husband and I are struggling financial , struggling to pay bills and to put food on the table each week. There is sometimes weeks we avoid food shopping because we know we cant afford it , we always make sure are children are fed and there is always something there for them but there is times were we have skipped meals so there is enough food to last the rest of the week. The financial stress is causing arguments between us which I suppose finance is one of the most common things couples fight. It is just constantly one thing after another money wise , there is more going out than there is coming in. 
My anxiety is making me want to hurt myself because that is the only way I can feel any release from it. I am scared of myself and I sometimes think I am my own worst enemy. I feel nothing but hate towards myself at the moment , I sometimes feel like I want to run away and hide but I know my babies need me even if I feel like the worst mum in the world. They are the reason I am still here fighting everyday. Any happiness I feel , a constant unnerving  feeling of guilt always seems to be in the my stomach. It is a constant vicious circle....




I am going to leave today's blog post there and continue with updates.

Thank you for reading 

Love Ava

xox

The Suicidal Thoughts You Keep Fighting Everyday Part 2 - Exhausted With Anxiety

Hello everyone I hope you are all well and  have had a good weekend. 

 The past week has been an dreadful week , my anxiety has been frightening to say the least and I feel like I am going backwards instead of forwards. I have had an anxiety attack everyday this week and I do not know what the cause of it is. I am feeling exhausted and drained. One minute I am fine the next minute I feel like i am being choked , like I can't breathe properly and I feel like my airways are being cut off. My chest constantly feels heavy , and I keep becoming dizzy and feel sick. For the past year I have had some strange phobia of eating and drinking things , I feel like my throat is going to close up and I am going to stop breathing even if I have eaten that food before. It is becoming a constant daily battle with these anxiety attacks and I am very scared. I have suffered with anxiety most of my life but over the past year I seem to be experiencing different symptoms to what I have experienced before and it is frightening. Usually I know how to help calm myself in anxious situations , but these symptoms are different and I don't feel I have any control of what my body is doing. I am tired and drained , my anxiety is making it hard to cope with daily life and it is hard to cope with two babies when you can't keep yourself calm. I feel guilty that my 2 year old daughter knows that something is wrong with me when I am crying and she says "mummy is crying , you are fine mummy it is okay and rubs my back and hugs me." 
I wish my anxiety would stop , it is becoming so hard to go on each day fighting strong when you know your going to keep being hit with a wave of anxiety at anytime. I constantly feel like there is a lump in my throat. I cry everyday at the moment wishing I would stop feeling like this. My anxiety is making me not want to be here anymore , So I decided to go back to the doctors for help , because I can not cope anymore. I feel like a burden to everyone around me , I feel like they would be better of without me. I am so exhausted , I can't sleep properly , I am hungry all the time because anxiety burns energy off and then I get angry at myself for being hungry. It is a vicious circle. I just want it to stop so I can at least go out for one day without having to run back to the car crying can we go home. 

Thank You For Reading 

Love Ava

xox

The Suicidal Thoughts You Keep Fighting Everyday

   

Hello everyone , I hope everyone has had a lovely weekend. Today on my blog I am going to talk about something that I have been recently struggling with and I know many others have been too. I think the more we encourage others to talk about how we feel then maybe those who suffer with mental health will be less fearful of asking for help and we can try a fight this battle together. 
  In 2015 I wrote a blog post about my attempted suicide due to being bullied ( LINK ) in 2011 when I was 17. I am now 24 years old and haven't since tried , yes I have self harmed and punished myself in other ways. I fight those thoughts everyday of not wanting to be here anymore. When I was 17 I didn't think I had a future ahead of me , I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel , I just wanted my life to end. I have those days still but I have two children and a husband now who keep me going , I keep holding on fighting. It is hard when you say you don't want to be here anymore , but people around you tell you not to be silly your children need you. Sometimes I feel like they are better of without me , that I am a failure of mother to them , that they deserve so much more than me as a mum. Although I feel that , I also know that in a world of bad things around them , they need there mother to project them and that is me , my job to protect them. There are days where I want to hurt and punish myself but I resit the urge too , then I feel nothing but guilt for not punishing myself . I feel worthless most days , like I am not good enough or don't deserve to live.  I have been to professionals many times for help and there answer seems to be medication , it may work for some people but for me personally is not a route I want to go down again. Before my children where born I was on venlafaxine for years after trying many different medication for depression and anxiety , venlafaxine didn't fix my problems but it kept me stable enough for me to get out of bed in the mornings. If any of you have been on anxiety or anti - depression medication you will know it can cause side effects. I want to keep a clear mind as possible around my children. So I set tasks to get me through the day to stay focused on something else instead of those nasty thoughts. They don't completely go away but they put them on hold for awhile just so I can get through my day. I do often get distressed and emotional and end up calling my husband at work so he can help calm me down and if i can't get hold of him I video message my mum. Sometimes I get scared and think I can't control myself and will do something silly and hurt myself when I feel so low. I feel so alone most days , I know my family loves me but I can't seem to shake the feeling of loneliness. I know many others are fighting this battle too and it needs to be spoken about more. I don't want to see more people take there life because they where to afraid to ask for help.
    I am going to leave my post there and post an update on this subject in a few weeks time.

Thank you for reading 

Love Ava 

xoxo

Understanding Living With And The Different Types Of Anxiety

Hello everyone! :) I hope everyone is well and has had a great weekend.Today's blog post it about " Understanding different types of anxiety".

 It is not uncommon that every person will experience some kind of anxiety in their life , however there is a difference between experiencing anxiety and living with anxiety. When you are living with anxiety ,it is something you face everyday and is usually a life long disorder you will have to cope with throughout your life. Some people are diagnosed very young and some people may be diagnosed later on in life with an anxiety disorder , in my case I was 8 years old and was having counselling with CAMHS ( Child Adolescent Mental Health Service ) .
        When you are living with anxiety not every person with an anxiety disorder with experience the same anxiety and symptoms you will experience , each person is different. 
The 5 most common types of anxiety disorders are Generalized Anxiety , Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , Panic Disorder , Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Social Phobia / Social Anxiety Disorder. Each of these 5 disorders can link into each other depending on the person and how they cope with there personal circumstances , for example I have generalized anxiety but I also suffer with social anxiety and panic disorder , Where as somebody else who suffers with an anxiety disorder might only suffer with OCD ( Obsessive compulsive Disorder ). 

Generalized Anxiety  - Generalized anxiety is characterized by excessive and exaggerated worry or concern about most things in that person's life which may be very little to worry about , but because of there anxiety disorder there worries are hugely emphasized more than they should be even when things have not occurred yet or may not occur at all the worry is still there constantly. 


OCD ( Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ) -  Obsessive compulsive disorder is when a person's unwanted thoughts becomes obsessive and there behavior becomes repetitive. People who suffer with OCD normally have obsessive behavior with things such as washing , counting , checking , cleaning. This usually will cause a lot of anxiety for the individual until the task is done , however does not get rid of anxiety but gives the individual a sense of temporary relief. 



Panic Disorder -  Panic disorder is another type of anxiety disorder where a person's anxiety can become present unexpectedly which can then duplicate there feeling of fear which will often result in a panic attack. The individual may experience physical symptoms such as chest pain , heart palpitations , shortness of breath , dizziness and abdominal pain. 


PTSD ( Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder ) -  PTSD is an anxiety disorder that develops after a traumatic event has occurred or a person may have experienced such a been threaten or harmed / assaulted ,natural or human caused tragedies and accidents. The person suffering from PTSD might experience flash backs or bad dreams of there trauma  and may experience physical symptoms.


Social Phobia - Social Phobia is when a person is overwhelmed with anxiety in everyday social situations. The individual can become fearful of been in social situations because of there anxiety and can often make the person want to avoid being in a social environment which could often make the individual hide away from society . The individual may feel very self-conscious in front of other people and worried about feeling humiliated, embarrassed, or rejected, or fearful of offending others. They may also have a hard time speaking to others and making friends.


     Physical Symptoms A Sufferer Of Anxiety May feel

• nervousness, restlessness, or being tense
• feelings of danger, panic, or dread
• rapid heart rate
• rapid breathing, or hyperventilation
• increased or heavy sweating
• trembling or muscle twitching
• weakness and lethargy
• difficulty focusing or thinking clearly about anything other than the thing you’re worried about
• insomnia
• digestive or gastrointestinal problems, such as gas, constipation, or diarrhea
• a strong desire to avoid the things that trigger your anxiety
• performing certain behaviors over and over again

• palpitations
• sweating
• shaking or trembling
• feeling shortness of breath or smothering
• sensation of choking
• chest pains or tightness
• nausea or gastrointestinal problems
• dizziness, light-headedness, or feeling faint
• feeling hot or cold
• numbness or tingling sensations 
• feeling detached from oneself or reality
• fear of “going crazy” or losing control
• fear of dying

If you are struggling to cope with anxiety disorder take a look at the following sites below for support :

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/

http://www.sane.org.uk/home

https://www.nopanic.org.uk/

https://turn2me.org/page/anxiety-disorder-guide

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Thank you for reading :) 

Love Ava 

xox

My Sensory Palette ( Living With Autism )

Autism is something many people don't understand , you cant just ask a person like myself who has Autism what is it like to have Autism? Autism is something you are born with , it is something you will have your whole life , but usually will be diagnosed when a person starts to develop or develops in a way society would class as " not normal ." A person with Autism has never been anyone else but themselves so how can they explain what it is like to have Autism when they have never been anyone else to compare it to being someone without Autism. 

          However we can tell you what things we find difficult in day to day life. SENSORY is a big factor for someone with Autism which can make life hard work and a struggle. The simplest things for someone without Autism could be one of the most hardest things for someone with Autism. Every individual is different and we are all sensitive to sensory but we will not all be sensitive to the exact same thing. 

My Sensory Palette

Sound -  Alarms , Lawn mowers , tapping , Scratching noises are some examples I find sensitive to hear. I find it difficult to process sound when someone is talking to me and process the information but may be able to hear the tiniest pin drop on the floor. Depending on the tone of someones voice I can sometimes feel like someone is shouting at me , when they could be just talking normally because the sound can be to loud for me to listen too. When there is too much sound going on in a room it can be come psychically painful and can hurt my ears to listen too.

Sight - It is quite common for people with Autism to be visual impaired and need glasses like myself. However there is many other things that I am sensitive too when it comes to sight. Ever since I was little I have found it difficult to look at the colours orange and yellow as I find it painful  to visually  look at. Which means when the sun is out I tend to get lots of headaches , migraines and feeling faint as the outside is too bright for me , this feeling can also occur when indoor lightening is too bright and can cause sight sensitivity. Which is why I use corner lamps around the house rather than ceiling lights. 

Touch - For someone with Autism Touch is a common sensitivity that we will experience when it comes to sensory. The feeling of dry skin , seatbelts , velvet , wood are some examples of things I find difficult to touch. Sometimes when people touch me , tap me or hug me I feel uncomfortable and it can make me very jumpy. 

Taste - I am not as sensitive to taste as such, however if you have read my blog for awhile now you will know I have  had anorexia for a long time and my food needs to be in a certain order and can be very restrictive at times. Taste wise I find it difficult to cope with alternatives. For example I regularly drink pepsi max ,  if they had none left in the shop I would find it difficult to switch to diet coke or even diet pepsi. 

Smell -  Meat smells have always made me gag ( no offence to anyone who eats meat and it is not a judgement on what someone eats) the smell I just don't like and can sometimes can make me feel sickly. I can often smell different smells before others around me especially smells that progress.

For someone with Autism sensory overload can often cause the individual to be anxious and make them want to isolate themselves because everything becomes to much to process and can be very tiring and stressful for the individual. It is important  for the individual and loved ones to know the individuals triggers of what will overwhelm them and try and avoid sensory overload. 

Thank you for reading :) 

Love  Ava 

xoxo