I Almost Lost My Baby.... My Pregnancy Story

Finding Out I Was Pregnant 

Throughout the whole of September I felt very unwell, constant migraines, tummy pains, nausea, light headed and I had little energy to do things. I thought I had a tummy bug and head cold, it didn't occur to me for one second that I was pregnant as I was on the pill. As the pill is supposedly 99% effective, I trusted that I was being safe; however it didn't cross my mind that when you were ill while on the pill there is high percentage of it not being effective. 

        As I have suffered with an eating disorder for a long time, I am use to not having a regular menstrual cycle, so my periods being late or not coming at all didn't concern me too much. It was only when boobs started to hurt that something clicked that something wasn't right  , I had constant pains and I felt uncomfortable wearing bras and my bras would no longer fit. I looked up online what could be the cause of having painful boobs and all the other symptoms I was having, and the first thing that came up was pregnancy.  

         I was in a different room to my mum, so I shouted to come to mine room and told her. She ran out to the shop and got myself several pregnancy tests. The first test was one of them cheap paper stick pregnancy tests, when I peed on the stick nothing showed up at all. One line was for negative, two was for positive. So I took another test, one line came up very clear the other line came up faintly so I was unsure of the result. My Mum ran out to the shop again and bought a Clear Blue pregnancy test to get a more accurate result. I took the test and waited a couple of minutes for the result to show, the wait seemed like forever. Finally the result showed and it said +3 weeks pregnant, I fell to the ground crying. I knew I wasn't ready to have a baby, my boyfriend and I have only been together since the end of June. I was terrified and I didn't know what to do. I told my boyfriend and he was as shocked and devastated as I was. We both knew we were nowhere near ready to have a baby. We didn't know what to do.

I Thought I Lost My Baby

         For the next couple of weeks we both avoided the subject and tried to pretend that it wasn’t happening. A couple weeks after finding out I was pregnant I was around 6 weeks pregnant and while out shopping on a Sunday afternoon with my boyfriend and Mum. My boyfriend and I were looking at something upstairs in a shop while my Mum was downstairs in the shop. I felt a horrible pain in my belly and lower area, It felt stronger than a period pain but I knew there and then I was bleeding. I looked at my boyfriend and said “I am losing the baby” whilst tearing up. He said “what do you mean?” I replied “I can feel blood.” He helped me down the stairs as I was struggling to walk as I had a skirt on and I was afraid blood would pour out of my underwear.

    We found my Mum downstairs and she helped me find a toilet. My Mum went into the toilets with me and I went into a cubical on my own. I looked down at my underwear and there was blood everywhere, I just knew it, I lost the baby, there was just so much blood. I started to cry and I shouted my Mum to come into the cubical, she saw the blood and began to tear up too. She helped me clean myself up and we went back outside to find my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend everything , he just held me tight , comforted me , he told everything is going to be ok and it isn’t my fault.

       That didn’t stop me from feeling like it wasn’t my fault, I felt like I was a failure, a terrible mother who couldn’t keep her baby safe. I kept saying “I killed our baby didn’t I? It is my entire fault”. I couldn’t stop crying. So as soon as we got home my Mum phoned the emergency doctor on my behalf and explained everything. The doctor said it was very likely that I had miscarried, that broke my heart. I was devastated! The doctor arranged an emergency internal scan two days later. For two days I did nothing but cry and blame myself, my boyfriend and my Mum both tried to comfort me but I just couldn’t stop crying.

    The two days seemed like forever, but it was time for my scan. I couldn’t understand why I needed a scan to tell me I have lost my baby, it almost felt like the knife been twisted some more. My Mum came with me to the scan as my boyfriend had to work that day. I went into the scan room with the mentality of my baby is dead why am I here?

      The lady doing the ultra sound started to proceed with the scan, I sat back trying my hardest to fight back my tears. The lady said “ Well there is a strong heartbeat there”,  I looked at the lady in confusion , she said “ Your baby is doing fine , I am not sure why you had such a big bleed there is no explanation for that. But I can assure you, your baby has one strong heartbeat. I looked at my Mum and we both started crying, I was so happy my baby was ok.

( My scan picture from my emergency scan at 6 weeks ) 

     I told my boyfriend the news and he was shocked but was happy everything was ok. We both couldn't get over it! We came to the conclusion that no matter how fast everything may seem our baby is clearly meant to be here and is ready to fight to be here. Everything took some time to get use to and accept that we have a baby arriving in June. But no matter the struggles and challenges we are going to face, my boyfriend and I will face together and do everything we can to give all our love and support to our baby. I am so grateful that I have a wonderful man who takes care of me and has been with me every step of the way. He has always put me first before himself and I feel so blessed and lucky that he has supported me  , no matter how bumpy ( excuse the pun lol)  this journey has been so far , but no just through my pregnancy but the support and love he gives me in everything I do. 

( My 13 weeks scan picture ) 

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant , and my boyfriend and I are expecting our little one on the 18th of June. On the 1st of February which is my birthday ;D we get to find out the gender of our baby at my 20+ weeks scan!  

Thank you for reading 

xox

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Love Ava

xoxo

The Struggles Of Autism ( Living With Autism )

Autism is a spectrum disorder which means it is greatly varied and affects individuals differently. People who do not understand Autism have a misconception of understanding the spectrum disorder , people often assume that Autism will affect individuals in the same way and that everyone with Autism is the same. 
       Every person with Autism is different and unique , but can relate with each other with the difficulties we face everyday. I myself have Autism and find things daily to be difficult , although the struggles and difficulties I face may vary to another individual with Autism. The daily battles with face everyday will of course differ for everyone depending on how mild or severe they are on the Autistic spectrum. 


   The Three Main Traid of Impairments We Struggle With  

. Social communication and interaction 

. Verbal and non- verbal language 

. Thinking and behaving ( social imagination ) 

How Autism Affects Me In Daily 

. Communication - I find it difficult to communicate with people face to face , speaking over phone and even understanding the contents of emails. I find it uncomfortable to speak to people in person , I feel anxious, stressed and eye contact can often be physically painful due to being overwhelmed by the situation. 

Coordination - I often find fiddly things difficult to coordinate , for example organising books or files might take me longer than somebody without Autism to do , or even tying  or untying things can be complicated to do. Dropping things and bumping into things is a fairly regular thing for me. Clumsiness is very common for somebody with Autism. 



Lack of understanding people's langue - People with autism including myself can often be very playful and sarcastic , however we find difficult to understand other people's sarcasm or humour. We find it difficult to read if somebody is joking and we often take things literally , which causes use to be very sensitive around people as we tend to take everything personally. 




Sensory sensitive - Every individual with Autism finds something related to either sight , touch , sound , smell or taste very sensitive to cope with. For example certain colours can be sensitive for an individual with Autism for me personally I am sensitive to the colours orange and yellow , which both colours can often be painful for me to look at and can make me panic. Sounds such as scratching on surfaces like a table , pieces of paper , a chalk board or even a pair jeans can be overwhelming for me to heard and I often become anxious. Even noises such as somebody mowing the lawn or an alarm going of can be disturbing. Certain textures can make me panic especially " terrycloth". Even when I was a little girl and my mum would touch me on the hand and when she had dry skin on her hands I would start to scream because the texture of the dry skin would make me uncomfortable. 




     

Routine  - Like most individuals with Autism I have a routine in my head of how I do things daily and the timing of those routines. If my routine is changed or disturbed I can become very anxious and uncomfortable. I can become very frustrated with myself because everything becomes out of order or out of place. A slight change or unexpected events that may occur can mean I wont settle for the rest of the day and become uneasy. 





Repetitive patterns - I can often be fidgety such as when sitting on a chair rocking back and forwards or fidgeting about. I always have to check things are switched off 3 times ( ALWAYS 3 ), such as the oven , fireplace , light switch , water tap or making sure the front and back door is locked. I tend to repeat stories that I have already told without realising I have already told them. Constantly fixing and rearranging things like if I am out shopping and a food tin or jar is facing the wrong way I have to fix it ( most of the time I don't even realise I am doing it ). I am always fiddling with objects around me as I tend to be intrigued by objects even if it is just an empty bottle. 









Every individual with Autism is different but we can all relate to each other on some level. People often misjudge Autism because of there lack of understanding about the condition and sadly the media does not raise enough awareness about the condition. In actual fact the media often presents Autism to the public in a negative light by publishing incorrect information about the condition based on one incident that may of happened . For example a shooting that happened not so long ago in the United States, and the gunman happened to have Autism. The media portrayed Autism to be a dangerous and fearful condition based on one individual. When in actual fact  97%  of people with Autism would not hurt a fly , they are most likely to end up hurting themselves out of  frustration or suffering with depression rather than being a threat to the rest of society.  








Unfortunately these are some of the headlines and comments we can often see the media portraying Autism : 



" Parents just letting there children misbehaving , pure laziness! Just give them a good smack "


( Actually children with Autism can not control misbehaving because they don't understand what is going on and why everything seems so difficult. They " misbehave" out of frustration at themselves. 



" Autism wrecks lives"

( Yes , Autism is difficult for an individual and their family but the only person it affects is the individual themselves. Often families are very supportive of a person with Autism and learn to adjust to there needs because it is what families do for there loved ones. Everything might seem 10 times harder for an individual with Autism but that doesn't mean they are incapable of having a life.) 


" Autistic people are violent and dangerous "

( Autistic people are far from dangerous , we wouldn't hurt a soul intentionally. We have so much love to give people but because of our communication and social skills we don't know how to show that love. Our brain is different to our heart. It doesn't quite work together.)  



" People with Autism don't feel emotions "






( We actually feel a lot of emotion that is often overwhelming for us to handle because we feel some much emotion at once.) 







 Thank you for reading 
xo



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Love Ava 
xoxo

Having An Eating Disorder Doesn't Mean People Should Avoid You....

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and are having a lovely week.If you have been following my blog for awhile now you may be aware that I have suffered with Anorexia / Eating disorder for a long time.

       Having an eating disorder often means people around you tend to avoid you when it comes to social occasions and events. Individuals tend not to invite you out to places because you have an eating disorder. I understand that they do not want to you to be uncomfortable around an environment where there is food. However not inviting a person with an eating disorder out can actually be emotionally damaging for the person with an eating disorder. It can make the individual feel like others are ashamed of  them.

   Many individuals with an eating disorder including myself are very capable of being able to sit in a restaurant or food environment with family , friends or colleagues and sit and have something to drink while others eat. If the person with an eating disorder feels emotionally , psychically and mentally prepared to eat something while out , they will simply order something that they feel capable of eating. We are likely to leave some of the food , but we are willing to try.

Comments That Should Never Be Made To The Individual While Out Eating

1. Oh you are eating something this time.

( Makes the individual feel guilty for eating )

2. Why did you not finish all of your meal? 

( We have are limits of what we are capable of consuming )

3. Please eat some more food.

( Makes the individual feel under pressure and forced to do something they can not physically do)

4. Asking questions about what they have order to eat and why.

( Feeling judged about their diet ) 

5. Do you want some of my food instead?

( Feeling forced )

6. You ate more than you usually do.

( Makes the individual feel ashamed of eating ) 

Knowing that you don't get invited to places because you have an eating disorder can be very hurtful. This has happened to me on several occasions and it makes you feel ashamed of who you are. Yes I struggle with food , but that does not mean I want to be avoided because of it. I have an issue with what I consume and put in MY body , not what others put in there body. Somebody else eating does not upset an individual with an eating disorder. However if a person who does not have an eating disorder puts food up to the individual with an eating disorder's mouth and says silly comments like " Come on... Eat it.. " is obviously bound to upset the individual. Unfortunately this has happened to me , I was left feeling mortified,embarrassed and devastated.

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Love Ava 

xoxox

     

Turning Negative Thinking Into Positive Thinking

Hello everyone! :) I hope everyone is doing well and are having a lovely day. Today I thought I would share with you all some of my favourite quotes that encourage positive thinking from a negative mind set. I hope you like some of these quotes :) and I would love to know some of your personal favourite quotes :)

1. When your mind is full of indecision , try thinking with your heart.


2. Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones , you'll start having positive results. 


3. Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars and see yourself running with them. 


4. If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.


5. The greatest revenge is to accomplish what others say you cannot do. 


6. The only true failure is the person who fails to try. 


7. Promote what you love , rather than bashing what you hate.


8. Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.   


9. Don't strive to be better than others , strive to be better than your best self. 


10. I don't think of all the misery but of all the beauty that still remains. 


11. Be like the birds and sing after every storm.



12. Be strong and unyielding so that your inner strength will grow. 


13. Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.


14. You must be the change you want to see in the world.


15. Believe in yourself 

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Love Ava

xoxox

10 Things You Didn't Know About Autism

1. Did you know that an individual with Autism is extremely likely to suffer with severe anxiety?

2. Did you know that it is fairly common for somebody with Autism to suffer with an eating disorder? 

3.Did you know that a person with Autism's rapid mood swings and constant change in mood is not the individual attention seeking or "acting out" , the individual simply can not control there quick change in mood. Anxiety has a big part to play in the individual's change of mood.

4. Did you know that a person with Autism has an unstable sleeping pattern and often suffers with insomnia?

5. Did you know that just because an individual with Autism can be sometimes isolated from people , doesn't mean they don't like spending time with people and like being invited to things.   


6. Did you know that when an individual with Autism avoids direct eye contact with others is not because the individual is being ignorant or rude , it can very difficult and sometimes psychically painful for a person with Autism to give direct eye contact. Often eye contact for someone with Autism can be very distressing and uncomfortable. 


7. Did you know that many people assume that every person with Autism is highly intelligent in maths and divisions , this is not always the case. A person with Autism is highly intelligent in a topic that they find fascinating or that they are extremely interested in.  


8. Did you know that just because an individual has Autism does not mean that the individual is incapable of being able to work in a full time job. Although individuals may struggle understanding certain things doesn't mean they lack the capability of working , all they need is a little guidance,advice and structure. 


9. Did you know there is a "Myth" that people with Autism do not care about other people's feelings. This is incorrect! In fact individuals with Autism care deeply about individuals emotions but may find it difficult to understand others emotions , which may mean the individual with Autism will constantly ask if a person is okay or how do they feel. This may sometimes become an annoyance to others because of the same repeated question. But it is not the individual with Autism's fault they can't understand how others feel. 


10. Did you know that people who are Autistic are very creative people especially in a subject or topic they are interested in. Individuals with Autism have a very big ambitious imagination but sometimes struggling with social communication effects the individual being ambitious. 

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Love Ava

xoxo

Reading Is Good For The Mind.... Some Of My Favourite Book Recommendations

Turn off  your computer , switch off your phone.... Get yourself comfy and snug then your ready for reading a good old story book! 

Reading has many benefits for the mind, it can help reduce stress , widen your general knowledge and increase your vocabulary. Reading can actually help improve your memory and is a mental stimulation. Books can open your mind to different possibilities of new things and interests , your imagination can grow and your ambitions may be broaden. 

Here Are Some Of My Favourite Books I would Highly Recommend Reading For A Fantastic Read  :)       

Mother Mother By Koren Zailckas 

AMAZON £3.85

EBAY £2.85

BOOK DEPOSIT  £4.59 

The White Rabbit Chronicles By Gena Showalter 

Alice In Zombieland 

AMAZON £6.99

WORDERY £6.81

BOOK DEPOSIT  £13.86

 Alice Through The Zombie Glass 

AMAZON £5.99

HIVE £5.59

BOOK DEPOSIT  £6.42

WORDERY £6.40

EBAY £4.82

The Queen Of Zombie Hearts 

AMAZON £6.99

BOOK DEPOSIT  £7.28

EBAY £4.82

WORDERY £6.01

Before I Die By Jenny Downham

THE BOOK PEOPLE £3.49

AMAZON £1.00 ( sale)

Inkheart By Cornelia Funke 

AMAZON £5.59

EBAY £6.99

HIVE £5.59

WORDERY £7.32

Heidi By Johanna Spyri 

AMAZON £5.00

WORDERY £7.53

EBAY £3.29

Northern Lights 

AMAZON  £3.99

THE BOOK PEOPLE £3.99

WATERSTONES £5.99

 

What is one of your favourite books? :D I would love to know! 

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Love Ava 

xoxox