Hello everyone I hope you are all well and have had a good weekend.
The past week has been an dreadful week , my anxiety has been frightening to say the least and I feel like I am going backwards instead of forwards. I have had an anxiety attack everyday this week and I do not know what the cause of it is. I am feeling exhausted and drained. One minute I am fine the next minute I feel like i am being choked , like I can't breathe properly and I feel like my airways are being cut off. My chest constantly feels heavy , and I keep becoming dizzy and feel sick. For the past year I have had some strange phobia of eating and drinking things , I feel like my throat is going to close up and I am going to stop breathing even if I have eaten that food before. It is becoming a constant daily battle with these anxiety attacks and I am very scared. I have suffered with anxiety most of my life but over the past year I seem to be experiencing different symptoms to what I have experienced before and it is frightening. Usually I know how to help calm myself in anxious situations , but these symptoms are different and I don't feel I have any control of what my body is doing. I am tired and drained , my anxiety is making it hard to cope with daily life and it is hard to cope with two babies when you can't keep yourself calm. I feel guilty that my 2 year old daughter knows that something is wrong with me when I am crying and she says "mummy is crying , you are fine mummy it is okay and rubs my back and hugs me."
I wish my anxiety would stop , it is becoming so hard to go on each day fighting strong when you know your going to keep being hit with a wave of anxiety at anytime. I constantly feel like there is a lump in my throat. I cry everyday at the moment wishing I would stop feeling like this. My anxiety is making me not want to be here anymore , So I decided to go back to the doctors for help , because I can not cope anymore. I feel like a burden to everyone around me , I feel like they would be better of without me. I am so exhausted , I can't sleep properly , I am hungry all the time because anxiety burns energy off and then I get angry at myself for being hungry. It is a vicious circle. I just want it to stop so I can at least go out for one day without having to run back to the car crying can we go home.
Thank You For Reading
Love Ava
xox
Hello everyone , I hope everyone has had a lovely weekend. Today on my blog I am going to talk about something that I have been recently struggling with and I know many others have been too. I think the more we encourage others to talk about how we feel then maybe those who suffer with mental health will be less fearful of asking for help and we can try a fight this battle together.
In 2015 I wrote a blog post about my attempted suicide due to being bullied ( LINK ) in 2011 when I was 17. I am now 24 years old and haven't since tried , yes I have self harmed and punished myself in other ways. I fight those thoughts everyday of not wanting to be here anymore. When I was 17 I didn't think I had a future ahead of me , I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel , I just wanted my life to end. I have those days still but I have two children and a husband now who keep me going , I keep holding on fighting. It is hard when you say you don't want to be here anymore , but people around you tell you not to be silly your children need you. Sometimes I feel like they are better of without me , that I am a failure of mother to them , that they deserve so much more than me as a mum. Although I feel that , I also know that in a world of bad things around them , they need there mother to project them and that is me , my job to protect them. There are days where I want to hurt and punish myself but I resit the urge too , then I feel nothing but guilt for not punishing myself . I feel worthless most days , like I am not good enough or don't deserve to live. I have been to professionals many times for help and there answer seems to be medication , it may work for some people but for me personally is not a route I want to go down again. Before my children where born I was on venlafaxine for years after trying many different medication for depression and anxiety , venlafaxine didn't fix my problems but it kept me stable enough for me to get out of bed in the mornings. If any of you have been on anxiety or anti - depression medication you will know it can cause side effects. I want to keep a clear mind as possible around my children. So I set tasks to get me through the day to stay focused on something else instead of those nasty thoughts. They don't completely go away but they put them on hold for awhile just so I can get through my day. I do often get distressed and emotional and end up calling my husband at work so he can help calm me down and if i can't get hold of him I video message my mum. Sometimes I get scared and think I can't control myself and will do something silly and hurt myself when I feel so low. I feel so alone most days , I know my family loves me but I can't seem to shake the feeling of loneliness. I know many others are fighting this battle too and it needs to be spoken about more. I don't want to see more people take there life because they where to afraid to ask for help.
I am going to leave my post there and post an update on this subject in a few weeks time.
Thank you for reading
Love Ava
xoxo
