Finding Out I Was Pregnant
Throughout the whole of September I felt very unwell, constant migraines, tummy pains, nausea, light headed and I had little energy to do things. I thought I had a tummy bug and head cold, it didn't occur to me for one second that I was pregnant as I was on the pill. As the pill is supposedly 99% effective, I trusted that I was being safe; however it didn't cross my mind that when you were ill while on the pill there is high percentage of it not being effective.
As I have suffered with an eating disorder for a long time, I am
use to not having a regular menstrual cycle, so my periods being late or not
coming at all didn't concern me too much. It was only when boobs started to
hurt that something clicked that something wasn't right , I had constant
pains and I felt uncomfortable wearing bras and my bras would no longer
fit. I looked up online what could be the cause of having painful boobs and all
the other symptoms I was having, and the first thing that came up was
pregnancy.
I was in a different room to my mum, so I shouted to come
to mine room and told her. She ran out to the shop and got myself several
pregnancy tests. The first test was one of them cheap paper stick pregnancy tests,
when I peed on the stick nothing showed up at all. One line was for negative,
two was for positive. So I took another test, one line came up very clear the
other line came up faintly so I was unsure of the result. My Mum ran out to the
shop again and bought a Clear Blue pregnancy test to get a more accurate result.
I took the test and waited a couple of minutes for the result to show,
the wait seemed like forever. Finally the result showed and it said +3
weeks pregnant, I fell to the ground crying. I knew I wasn't ready to have a baby,
my boyfriend and I have only been together since the end of June. I
was terrified and I didn't know what to do. I told my boyfriend
and he was as shocked and devastated as I was. We both knew we were
nowhere near ready to have a baby. We didn't know what to do.
I Thought I Lost My Baby
For the next couple of
weeks we both avoided the subject and tried to pretend that it wasn’t
happening. A couple weeks after finding out I was pregnant I was around 6 weeks
pregnant and while out shopping on a Sunday afternoon with my boyfriend and
Mum. My boyfriend and I were looking at something upstairs in a shop while my
Mum was downstairs in the shop. I felt a horrible pain in my belly and lower
area, It felt stronger than a period pain but I knew there and then I was bleeding.
I looked at my boyfriend and said “I am losing the baby” whilst tearing up. He
said “what do you mean?” I replied “I can feel blood.” He helped me down the
stairs as I was struggling to walk as I had a skirt on and I was afraid blood
would pour out of my underwear.
We found my Mum downstairs and she helped me
find a toilet. My Mum went into the toilets with me and I went into a cubical on
my own. I looked down at my underwear and there was blood everywhere, I just
knew it, I lost the baby, there was just so much blood. I started to cry and I
shouted my Mum to come into the cubical, she saw the blood and began to tear up
too. She helped me clean myself up and we went back outside to find my
boyfriend. I told my boyfriend everything , he just held me tight , comforted
me , he told everything is going to be ok and it isn’t my fault.
That didn’t stop me from
feeling like it wasn’t my fault, I felt like I was a failure, a terrible mother
who couldn’t keep her baby safe. I kept saying “I killed our baby didn’t I? It
is my entire fault”. I couldn’t stop crying. So as soon as we got home my Mum
phoned the emergency doctor on my behalf and explained everything. The doctor
said it was very likely that I had miscarried, that broke my heart. I was devastated!
The doctor arranged an emergency internal scan two days later. For two days I
did nothing but cry and blame myself, my boyfriend and my Mum both tried to
comfort me but I just couldn’t stop crying.
The two days seemed like forever, but it was
time for my scan. I couldn’t understand why I needed a scan to tell me I have
lost my baby, it almost felt like the knife been twisted some more. My Mum came
with me to the scan as my boyfriend had to work that day. I went into the scan
room with the mentality of my baby is dead why am I here?
The lady doing the ultra sound
started to proceed with the scan, I sat back trying my hardest to fight back my
tears. The lady said “ Well there is a strong heartbeat there”, I looked at the lady in confusion , she said “
Your baby is doing fine , I am not sure why you had such a big bleed there is
no explanation for that. But I can assure you, your baby has one strong
heartbeat. I looked at my Mum and we both started crying, I was so happy my
baby was ok.
( My scan picture from my emergency scan at 6 weeks )
I told my boyfriend the news
and he was shocked but was happy everything was ok. We both couldn't get over
it! We came to the conclusion that no matter how fast everything may seem our
baby is clearly meant to be here and is ready to fight to be here. Everything
took some time to get use to and accept that we have a baby arriving in June.
But no matter the struggles and challenges we are going to face, my boyfriend
and I will face together and do everything we can to give all our love and
support to our baby. I am so grateful that I have a wonderful man who takes care of me and has been with me every step of the way. He has always put me first before himself and I feel so blessed and lucky that he has supported me , no matter how bumpy ( excuse the pun lol) this journey has been so far , but no just through my pregnancy but the support and love he gives me in everything I do.
( My 13 weeks scan picture )
I am currently 15 weeks pregnant , and my boyfriend and I are expecting our little one on the 18th of June. On the 1st of February which is my birthday ;D we get to find out the gender of our baby at my 20+ weeks scan!
Thank you for reading
xox
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