The Suicidal Thoughts You Keep Fighting Everyday

   

Hello everyone , I hope everyone has had a lovely weekend. Today on my blog I am going to talk about something that I have been recently struggling with and I know many others have been too. I think the more we encourage others to talk about how we feel then maybe those who suffer with mental health will be less fearful of asking for help and we can try a fight this battle together. 
  In 2015 I wrote a blog post about my attempted suicide due to being bullied ( LINK ) in 2011 when I was 17. I am now 24 years old and haven't since tried , yes I have self harmed and punished myself in other ways. I fight those thoughts everyday of not wanting to be here anymore. When I was 17 I didn't think I had a future ahead of me , I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel , I just wanted my life to end. I have those days still but I have two children and a husband now who keep me going , I keep holding on fighting. It is hard when you say you don't want to be here anymore , but people around you tell you not to be silly your children need you. Sometimes I feel like they are better of without me , that I am a failure of mother to them , that they deserve so much more than me as a mum. Although I feel that , I also know that in a world of bad things around them , they need there mother to project them and that is me , my job to protect them. There are days where I want to hurt and punish myself but I resit the urge too , then I feel nothing but guilt for not punishing myself . I feel worthless most days , like I am not good enough or don't deserve to live.  I have been to professionals many times for help and there answer seems to be medication , it may work for some people but for me personally is not a route I want to go down again. Before my children where born I was on venlafaxine for years after trying many different medication for depression and anxiety , venlafaxine didn't fix my problems but it kept me stable enough for me to get out of bed in the mornings. If any of you have been on anxiety or anti - depression medication you will know it can cause side effects. I want to keep a clear mind as possible around my children. So I set tasks to get me through the day to stay focused on something else instead of those nasty thoughts. They don't completely go away but they put them on hold for awhile just so I can get through my day. I do often get distressed and emotional and end up calling my husband at work so he can help calm me down and if i can't get hold of him I video message my mum. Sometimes I get scared and think I can't control myself and will do something silly and hurt myself when I feel so low. I feel so alone most days , I know my family loves me but I can't seem to shake the feeling of loneliness. I know many others are fighting this battle too and it needs to be spoken about more. I don't want to see more people take there life because they where to afraid to ask for help.
    I am going to leave my post there and post an update on this subject in a few weeks time.

Thank you for reading 

Love Ava 

xoxo

Understanding Living With And The Different Types Of Anxiety

Hello everyone! :) I hope everyone is well and has had a great weekend.Today's blog post it about " Understanding different types of anxiety".

 It is not uncommon that every person will experience some kind of anxiety in their life , however there is a difference between experiencing anxiety and living with anxiety. When you are living with anxiety ,it is something you face everyday and is usually a life long disorder you will have to cope with throughout your life. Some people are diagnosed very young and some people may be diagnosed later on in life with an anxiety disorder , in my case I was 8 years old and was having counselling with CAMHS ( Child Adolescent Mental Health Service ) .
        When you are living with anxiety not every person with an anxiety disorder with experience the same anxiety and symptoms you will experience , each person is different. 
The 5 most common types of anxiety disorders are Generalized Anxiety , Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , Panic Disorder , Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Social Phobia / Social Anxiety Disorder. Each of these 5 disorders can link into each other depending on the person and how they cope with there personal circumstances , for example I have generalized anxiety but I also suffer with social anxiety and panic disorder , Where as somebody else who suffers with an anxiety disorder might only suffer with OCD ( Obsessive compulsive Disorder ). 

Generalized Anxiety  - Generalized anxiety is characterized by excessive and exaggerated worry or concern about most things in that person's life which may be very little to worry about , but because of there anxiety disorder there worries are hugely emphasized more than they should be even when things have not occurred yet or may not occur at all the worry is still there constantly. 


OCD ( Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ) -  Obsessive compulsive disorder is when a person's unwanted thoughts becomes obsessive and there behavior becomes repetitive. People who suffer with OCD normally have obsessive behavior with things such as washing , counting , checking , cleaning. This usually will cause a lot of anxiety for the individual until the task is done , however does not get rid of anxiety but gives the individual a sense of temporary relief. 



Panic Disorder -  Panic disorder is another type of anxiety disorder where a person's anxiety can become present unexpectedly which can then duplicate there feeling of fear which will often result in a panic attack. The individual may experience physical symptoms such as chest pain , heart palpitations , shortness of breath , dizziness and abdominal pain. 


PTSD ( Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder ) -  PTSD is an anxiety disorder that develops after a traumatic event has occurred or a person may have experienced such a been threaten or harmed / assaulted ,natural or human caused tragedies and accidents. The person suffering from PTSD might experience flash backs or bad dreams of there trauma  and may experience physical symptoms.


Social Phobia - Social Phobia is when a person is overwhelmed with anxiety in everyday social situations. The individual can become fearful of been in social situations because of there anxiety and can often make the person want to avoid being in a social environment which could often make the individual hide away from society . The individual may feel very self-conscious in front of other people and worried about feeling humiliated, embarrassed, or rejected, or fearful of offending others. They may also have a hard time speaking to others and making friends.


     Physical Symptoms A Sufferer Of Anxiety May feel

• nervousness, restlessness, or being tense
• feelings of danger, panic, or dread
• rapid heart rate
• rapid breathing, or hyperventilation
• increased or heavy sweating
• trembling or muscle twitching
• weakness and lethargy
• difficulty focusing or thinking clearly about anything other than the thing you’re worried about
• insomnia
• digestive or gastrointestinal problems, such as gas, constipation, or diarrhea
• a strong desire to avoid the things that trigger your anxiety
• performing certain behaviors over and over again

• palpitations
• sweating
• shaking or trembling
• feeling shortness of breath or smothering
• sensation of choking
• chest pains or tightness
• nausea or gastrointestinal problems
• dizziness, light-headedness, or feeling faint
• feeling hot or cold
• numbness or tingling sensations 
• feeling detached from oneself or reality
• fear of “going crazy” or losing control
• fear of dying

If you are struggling to cope with anxiety disorder take a look at the following sites below for support :

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/

http://www.sane.org.uk/home

https://www.nopanic.org.uk/

https://turn2me.org/page/anxiety-disorder-guide

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Thank you for reading :) 

Love Ava 

xox

Anorexia , Being A Mum & Body Changes

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is doing well. It has been a long time since I last posted a blog post on my mental health blog , I think the last time I posted my beautiful eldest daughter Daisie- Mae was about 6 months old , she is now 2 years old already!!! I also have a new addition to my family another beautiful daughter called Luna-Rose who is 9 weeks old. You could definitely say I have been busy and had my hands full with a new baby and 2 year old who has just hit the terrible twos. 

Today's post is about Anorexia and body changes which is something I have been struggling with lately. Those who have read my blog before will know I have struggled with anorexia for a long time and is still an on going battle. Although my eating habits have changes since I have had my two daughters , i don't starve myself  like I did before I had children. My eating habits might not what people consider enough for an average person but baby steps I suppose. My partner Alex is a big influence of taking steps forwards rather than backwards , he knows my limits , he knows when I cant eat anymore and he knows not to force me or over encourage me to eat. One of the main problems when you struggle with anorexia is that when it comes to food the emotion you feel guilt. Alex has always understood my guilt towards food and consistently reassures me that I should never feel guilty for eating. Does it help? No, the guilt never goes away but his reassurance lets me know he is there for me and will help me through it. 

After having two babies , my body has changed my hips are wider , my boobs have doubled in size and so has my bum. Most people would be happy about there boobs and bum getting bigger right? Well for someone who struggles with body image it just feels like more fat to add to the scales. When I had my eldest daughter my body bounced back to the size I was before I had her , but then again i hardly showed when I was pregnant with Daisie-Mae , even when I was in labour  in the delivery suite the doctor asked where was my bump because I didn't look pregnant. When pregnant with Luna-Rose I had a much bigger bump and you could visibly tell I was pregnant , my body hasn't bounce back the same as it did with Daisie-Mae  , which I have found incredibly mentally difficult to cope with. 

I know I need to accept that I have give birth to two babies and my body isn't going to be the same anymore. 

I came to the realization of this last week when I was out shopping with my mum and daughters , I spotted gorgeous lace purple dress I wanted to buy , I dont usually try on clothes in shops but I found the courage to go and try it on. My mum sat on the seats with my daughters in the changing room area , I put the dress on and I had the curtain open so my mum could help zip the zipper up. The shop assiatnat who worked the changing room area saw i needed some help with the zipper and she came across. She didnt either touch the zipper and said " Well that is not going to zip up , you need a bigger size" My heart just dropped and I looked back at my mum trying to fight back my tears. I know the shop assistant was just doing her job and she didn't know I struggle with body image but it destroyed me , my first reaction in my head was that she was calling me fat. The lady asked if i wanted the next size up , I declined got back dressed into my own clothes and I left that shop feeling devastated. It is one thing to know in your head your body has changed but then too hear it , is very grueling inside. 

I am going to finish tonight post here and continue to update my blog as regular as I can :) 

Goodnight 

Ava 

xox

My Sensory Palette ( Living With Autism )

Autism is something many people don't understand , you cant just ask a person like myself who has Autism what is it like to have Autism? Autism is something you are born with , it is something you will have your whole life , but usually will be diagnosed when a person starts to develop or develops in a way society would class as " not normal ." A person with Autism has never been anyone else but themselves so how can they explain what it is like to have Autism when they have never been anyone else to compare it to being someone without Autism. 

          However we can tell you what things we find difficult in day to day life. SENSORY is a big factor for someone with Autism which can make life hard work and a struggle. The simplest things for someone without Autism could be one of the most hardest things for someone with Autism. Every individual is different and we are all sensitive to sensory but we will not all be sensitive to the exact same thing. 

My Sensory Palette

Sound -  Alarms , Lawn mowers , tapping , Scratching noises are some examples I find sensitive to hear. I find it difficult to process sound when someone is talking to me and process the information but may be able to hear the tiniest pin drop on the floor. Depending on the tone of someones voice I can sometimes feel like someone is shouting at me , when they could be just talking normally because the sound can be to loud for me to listen too. When there is too much sound going on in a room it can be come psychically painful and can hurt my ears to listen too.

Sight - It is quite common for people with Autism to be visual impaired and need glasses like myself. However there is many other things that I am sensitive too when it comes to sight. Ever since I was little I have found it difficult to look at the colours orange and yellow as I find it painful  to visually  look at. Which means when the sun is out I tend to get lots of headaches , migraines and feeling faint as the outside is too bright for me , this feeling can also occur when indoor lightening is too bright and can cause sight sensitivity. Which is why I use corner lamps around the house rather than ceiling lights. 

Touch - For someone with Autism Touch is a common sensitivity that we will experience when it comes to sensory. The feeling of dry skin , seatbelts , velvet , wood are some examples of things I find difficult to touch. Sometimes when people touch me , tap me or hug me I feel uncomfortable and it can make me very jumpy. 

Taste - I am not as sensitive to taste as such, however if you have read my blog for awhile now you will know I have  had anorexia for a long time and my food needs to be in a certain order and can be very restrictive at times. Taste wise I find it difficult to cope with alternatives. For example I regularly drink pepsi max ,  if they had none left in the shop I would find it difficult to switch to diet coke or even diet pepsi. 

Smell -  Meat smells have always made me gag ( no offence to anyone who eats meat and it is not a judgement on what someone eats) the smell I just don't like and can sometimes can make me feel sickly. I can often smell different smells before others around me especially smells that progress.

For someone with Autism sensory overload can often cause the individual to be anxious and make them want to isolate themselves because everything becomes to much to process and can be very tiring and stressful for the individual. It is important  for the individual and loved ones to know the individuals triggers of what will overwhelm them and try and avoid sensory overload. 

Thank you for reading :) 

Love  Ava 

xoxo

       

5 Ways Which Help Reduce My Anxiety Symptoms

Hello everyone :)  I hope everyone is well and has had a lovely weekend ! :)
    If you have been following my mental health blog for awhile now you may know I have suffered with  severe  anxiety and panic attacks for a long time and thought I would share with you different ways which help my anxiety reduce when I experience symptoms.

1. When I am at home, mainly during the evening or night time I will get more anxious about things because your body starts to switch off and tend to over think things at night time. I have a news and magazine app on my phone which I will lie down on my side in bed and will read the news to distract myself when I experience symptoms of anxiety , which will help me focus on something else rather than my anxiety. 




2. Crossword or word puzzles are also another way to help me reduce my anxiety symptoms as again it helps take my mind of focusing on what is making me anxious at the time. 





3. If I am at home one of the symptoms I often experience with anxiety is shaking and my body goes ice cold so I have a hot bath or shower with some music on my phone left on the side of the cabinet to help me stop shaking. 





4. In whatever situation I am in , if I am at home or out and about , whenever I feel like my anxiety is increasing I phone my mum to help calm me down. Talking to my mum helps my anxiety decrease and turn my attention onto concentrating on the conversation with my mum. Phoning a loved one or friend who understands your anxiety might help reduce your symptoms of anxiety. 




5. Now I know not everyone has a car , and I cant drive myself but my fiance will often take me on long drives to help calm my anxiety. Ever since I was a child I have always found long drives calming and has often help decrease my anxiety symptoms as I concentrate more on my surroundings of which I see rather than what is making me anxiety at that moment. 








                                   Thank you for reading :)
                                          Love Ava
                                               xox

                                      

10 Annoying Things Which Are Said To Someone With Autism

 1. So what is it like being Autistic ?

( Because clearly someone with Autism just woke up one day and decided they are going to be Autistic for that day ? ) 

2. You look" normal " , you don't look like you have Autism.

( What is a person with Autism suppose to look like? )  

3. When someone is introducing you to someone and says " Oh she is Autistic so she wont speak very much. 

( Really? Don't even say my name first or say who I am ) 

4. You must be really good at Maths. 

( Not everyone with Autism is a mini Albert Einstein ) 

5. You can have sex right? 

( This is one of the most stupidest comments I have heard , Autism does not affect the capability of  your lady or man parts having sex with someone , however the communication skills of psychically meeting someone to have sex is a completely different story. ) 

6. " My friend's sister is autistic , you seem nothing like her." 

( Not everyone with Autism is the same! We are our own person and we all have different traits .) 

7. " Why aren't you looking at me when I am talking to you?"

( Did you know that for someone with Autism that eye contact can be very difficult and can actually sometimes be psychically painful for a person like myself who is more sensitive with sight .) 

8. Can you work? People automatically think you are incapable of being able to work or hold onto a job. 

( Many people with Autism can work , however there isn't always enough support for those with autism in employment.)

9. Do you have feelings? 

( Of course we have bloody feelings , just because we find it harder to express ourselves doesn't mean we don't have feelings.)

10. But you are not a child , how can you have Autism? 

( Because we clearly have been an adult all our lives...) 

Love Ava

xoxo

ANXIETY

Hello everyone , its been about 6 months since I posted on my mental health blog ,if you are someone who regularly read my blog I apologize for the none existence posts over the last 6 months. 
    Truth be told I haven't had time to blog , being a mummy to a 1 year old takes up a lot of time but now Daisie-Mae is getting more settled into a routine I am able to sit down once in awhile for 10 minutes or so. 
    Over the passed couple of months haven't been easy and my anxiety is worse than ever and most days I feel like I cant breathe. Planning a wedding , being cheated on , cancelling a wedding , my mum losing her job and coming to terms with being " disabled " I know as her only child it is my role now to help take care of her but I am worried I wont be good enough and will feel useless to help her needs , being accused of something that wasn't true and been reported to social services , death in the family , my daughter constantly being in pain with her tummy due to constant constipation with several trips to the doctors and A&E and still been in pain from birth from over a year ago because my lady part  stitches healed to tight which causes pain going to the toilet and intimate pain.
Lets just say I have had my hands full. 

     If anyone suffers from anxiety you will know understand what I mean when I say you don't know how to control it. Over the past couple of months my anxiety has increased and become worse. I feel like I can't breathe , I feel like someone is choking me constantly and I become scared that I am going to stop breathing. 
My anxiety attacks can happen at any time of the day but happen regularly during the night while I am in bed and I start shaking and become cold , I end up waking up and disturbing my partner because I cant calm myself and become tearful , my chest starts hurting and I feel like I am having a heart attack , I feel dizzy and faint and start screaming phone an ambulance because I become fearful. Anxiety mimics the symptoms of a heart attack so it becomes hard to recognize when you need medical help and when you can't calm yourself you don't know what to do. I am scared of being alone and I feel like I am becoming a burden to those around me and feel like everyone is better off without me , but I have to keep going for my daughter. I am fed up of constantly feeling in pain having body aches and pains , feeling like I am not in control of my body . I haven't been on anxiety tablets for two years and I am really trying my hardest not to go back on them as I suffered with side effects with them such as feeling sick , migraines and headaches. I am at a loss at the moment and feel fearful of my anxiety. I have always been able to help decrease my symptoms in the past , but recently I feel like I cant help myself or do not know what to do anymore.

Anxiety is something I have had since I was 9 years old or at least that is when I was diagnosed with anxiety. During the past year I have experienced different symptoms to anxiety which is very new to me and is scary to experience which makes me feel less in-control of myself  because I cant always predict when an anxiety attack will occur , previously I could recognize symptoms to get myself out of the situation that was making me anxious , where as now my attacks can happen spontaneously and sometimes I dont even know why I am anxious. 

I wish there was a magic wand that could make anxiety disappear  but there isn't. I am sure many of you who suffer with anxiety understand how I feel , anxiety is a lot more common than people think and it is important that it is talked about its something people all ages and all genders deal with and no matter how scary it is , it needs to be talked about to help each other. 





                     

Ava 

xoxo