Nothing But Love.... But We Needed Help.... We Had No Food.

Hello everyone , I hope everyone has had a good week so far. So today on my blog I want to talk about something that has been close to home recently and effected my family a great deal especially earlier on this  year.
        January this year was a really tough time for my husband and I. We couldn't afford to pay for basic bills such as water , gas and electricity nevermind the other added bills. We was struggling to pay for food for our family which resulted in both of us selling alot of our belongings to put food on the table for our children, we both skipped meals to make sure our children was fed. We was both tired and fed up , despite my husband working full time he was getting very little pay which wasn't covering the cost of living and we wasn't entitled to any help . Family and friends offered us money for food but we turned them down knowing they was struggling themselves we didn't want to burden them with our problems.  
      The stress began to cause conflict between my husband and I but we carried on trying to get through it together . Not enough income meant missed and unpaid bills which meant debts began to add up . We had been struggling for awhile but by January it was a nightmare. Bailiffs and debt collectors turned up at the door scaring my children and I. This was breaking point for us.... the stress was too much for us both and we then agreed we should separate. My husband  left and within a few hours of leaving we both realised we needed each other. That's what families do , they stick together through hard times.  During this time of him leaving his car ended up been impounded while he was on the way to a family members house... lack of income... No bills paid. My husband works hard and it really isn't fair but it is just the way it is sometimes. We love each other and we stayed through it together even when our gas and electric got cut off and we had to spend the cold nights all in the same bed wrapped in blankets to keep us warm. we had nothing... Nothing but love for our two children and each other. We knew it was a hard time and hoped it wasn't going to last forever. But it didn't stop myself crying to my husband till I fell asleep because I felt a failure as a mother.
       During this time I was seeing a psychologist who specializes in autism who helped support me.  When she found out my husband and I was struggling she referred us to family first which is a programme which works with the local council to help struggling families. Family first helped us get the support we needed and provided us help from a food bank for 8 weeks , volunteers would kindly deliver us food parcels and nappies each week to help us get back on track. A lovely man who worked for family first helped us with getting help with our debts and finances so we could get everything under control. 
         Almost losing everything but our love for each other had a big impact on both our mental health. We felt so ashamed and depressed that we couldn't provide for our children and we was too embarrassed to ask for help. Help eventually came to us , but it doesn't for everyone don't be scared to speak out if you need help. They are so many people willing to help those who are struggling. 



                          some websites if you need help :)

                     https://www.turn2us.org.uk/


                    http://www.glasspool.org.uk/

                 
                   https://www.family-action.org.uk/



                https://www.onefamily.com/our-story/

I Vlogged Throughout The Month Of April For Autism Awareness Month

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and are having a good week so far. If you have read my blog for awhile now you will know that I am Autistic. April was Autism Awareness month , so throughout the month of April I vlogged each day on my instagram stories to show what it is like living with Autism. After my first few videos I received messages of encouragement and support from people which was lovely and they continued to watch my videos throughout the month of april. I found it very hard at first to talk to the camera , I felt a little bit stupid talking to myself at first really , it took me at least 10 times to film my first video because I felt so embarrassed , I thought I was making a fool of myself. Peoples support really helped me to continuing making videos and as the month went on I find more confidence in myself to make videos. 
       By the second week of april I had some lovely messages from people telling me they enjoyed watching my videos which made me feel like I was doing something right. My husband is my number one supporter and he kept telling me how proud he was of me for showing people the difficulties individuals with Autism face each day.  I also shared stories about my mental health and struggles too , which alot people seemed to be able to relate too. I had a few messages asking where to go for help and wanted some guidance which I was happy to help with. I am always happy to people when they need. 
      By the third week ,some people had made fake accounts to message me , to tell me things that was obviously was going to upset me. I found that very upsetting and it caused alot of stress for me. During the same week alot of things happened in our family which caused stress and upset for my family which didnt help when my head felt all over the place anyway. I felt drained and I didnt feel motivated to do videos but I carried on doing them even if it was just little ones throughout the day. I started to feel better by week 4 and carried on vlogging my day and I was still receiving nice messages from people which certainly out weighed the upset from silly fake accounts. 
           The last day of April came which meant last day of vlogging for Autism awareness. I received some messages asking to continue with my videos and that they enjoyed watching. I wasnt too sure at first if I wanted to continue vlogging , I actually found it quite hard to remember to vlog things. I thought about it overnight and decided I would continue to make videos but not everyday , I didnt want to put too much pressure on myself to do it everyday. It really meant alot to me those who watched and supported me , all I have ever wanted to do is to help people and I hope my videos do help people even if it is just one person that would be great. 




If you are interested in watching my videos/ stories my instagram is
                                xovintagewayoflifexo




                                 Love Ava xox
                              

Dear Husband

      

Dear Husband 
           You don't get much credit for all that you do. You stick by me and our little ones too , you hold me tight when I feel like I have to give up the fight. You guide me through the dark to the light where things seem brighter and seem alright. 
    You don't understand all my struggles but you have never give up wanting to learn , you carry on helping me through the muddy puddles and make sure you give me lots of cuddles. You let me rest when I am too tired or I feel like everything is too much. You pick the slack around our home when I feel i can't carry on alone. It's not how I like it , it is not in its place , it is not perfect but that's okay because you went out of your way to make sure everything was put away. 
        I couldn't ask for a better Dad to our children , you do everything to protect us even when that meant keeping people away to make sure our children was safe. I love you more each day. Thank you for everything you do , the support and love you give me too. You hold me close when I am not alright and don't let go until I am feeling fine , even in the middle of the night when I am feeling afraid you will lay awake with me until sunrise. When I am hurting you will try and take away the pain and put smiles back on my face. 
     Thank you for everything you do , my love will always be with you. 




                          Your Ava Sky x

An Open Letter To My Angel

To my angel ,

 I will never know if you was a boy or girl , to me your my angel in sky. I have been thinking about you a lot the past few days , we never really got a chance to grieve or say goodbye properly. I wish I could of kept you and I am so very so mummy wasn't well enough to carry you much longer. I will always feel guilt my darling and wonder what would of been. Maybe if I had been stronger , Mummy could of held on to you longer. The pain of feeling like I had given birth to you but didn't have you to hold was the most heart aching feeling in the world. I cried for you before i was put to sleep , I cried for you when I woke up from surgery. My heart wanted to keep you but my body and mind couldn't. I am so very sorry my angel , I will always blame myself. shine bright in the night sky for me , there won't be a day that goes by that you are not on my mind.

With love 

 Mummy x 

2018 A Year That Tested My Mental Health ( Month By Month Diary)

Hello everyone , I hope you had a lovely Christmas and New year and not having holiday blues too much. Lets just say my Christmas has not been smooth sailing , couple of trips to the hospital and doctors for my family , I don't want to go into details as this is going to be a long blog post anyway. 
       Today's blog post is going to be about 2018 and my struggles with mental health , personal and family struggles too.


                   




January 2018 -  In early January my lip randomly swelled up within seconds it was the size of a golf ball and I was taken into hospital after ringing 111 ( In the UK it is a number you ring before 999 for advice on what to do ) the 111 number rang an ambulance and the paramedics gave me adrenaline and my lip went down and I was taken into hospital. The doctors told me it looked like I had an allergic reaction to something , to this day I still have no idea what. I didn't eat anything or touch anything different than I normally would that day , I was just sat on the sofa at home when it happened , fingers crossed it doesn't happen again. Unfortunately that experience has caused a year of anxiety around food , every meal since then I have had an anxiety attack during meal times. It has become draining and tiring , I am fed up and want it to stop. If you have followed my blog for awhile you will know I have been battling an eating disorder for a long time , which now this anxiety towards has made that worse and my attitude towards food worse. It is a horrible feeling being scared to eat something and feeling like you are reacting or going to react to the food you are eating. I constantly feel like my lips are swelling everytime I eat and I have had enough of feeling this way. 
          At the end of January of 2018 I was 6 months pregnant with my Daughter Luna-Rose and I started to collapse during my pregnancy, I was so scared the first time I collapsed I was on my own with my eldest daughter who is now 2 years old. I passed a couple of times when I was pregnant with my eldest Daisie-Mae so I knew when my body didnt feel right. Because of that familiarity I rang my mum straight away on video chat said I didnt feel right made sure Daisie-Mae was safe and then passed out across my bedroom floor. My hearing went and everything went black , I am not sure how long I was passed out for it felt like eternity but my mum stay on the phone with me until I came around and made sure Daisie-Mae was safe. Daisie- Mae sensed something was wrong with mummy so she sat on my bed and stayed there until I came around , she was rubbing my back when I woke up telling me you are okay mummy. I tried to carry on and thought I would be okay , about a week later a collapsed in a shop over the pram and an Ambulance was rang and my husband had to come from work to get me , the paramedics checked everything over and I said I didn't want to go to hospital so my husband Alex took me to my mum's house and he went back to work. I didn't feel safe anymore and it certainly wasn't safe for my daughter anymore.

February 2018 - From February until the end of April I was at her house 6 days a week or I was with someone everyday. The passing out got worse , at one point in February I collapsed in the car and my mum thought I was having a seizure because of my movements and I didn't respond for a period of time. I felt exhausted by this point , I would have to sleep for a few hours after I would collapse I thought so drained and I really don't know how I would of coped without my mum. My birthday was in February and it was an awful time that morning I already unloved and unwanted now I look back I just feel like a brat. I got upset because my husband didnt get me a card or one of our daughter and that is all I wanted was a card of my daughter saying happy birthday. Unfortunately finance hasn't been on our side in 2018 which meant my husband and I didn't offered have spare money at the end of month. That is why looking back I feel like a brat about it. I just felt so unloved and unwanted at the time.  My mum cheered me up though by taking me to a craft fair , both my mum and I are crafters we love making and creating things so that cheered me up in the afternoon. Although been autistic I found the craft fair very overwhelming and need time out a few times, I still enjoyed it. 

March 2018 - By March the collapsing was almost everyday and I was struggling to walk around at this point. I had a growth scan in mid march and during the scan I collapsed again and the sonographer ran out to get a nurse , my mum was outside with Daisie-Mae as children were not allowed in the room. I was wheeled off to the pregnancy triage and within 20 minutes I was admitted to the wards. I was in hospital for 3 days I hated been apart from my little girl I just wanted to go home. During the 3 months I was constantly telling my doctor and community midwife about collapsing which they kept saying they would look into , by this point I was in hospital before anything was looked at. I was anemic , well I still am  but my iron was very low and it had made me very ill , my heart rate was very fast and I had low blood pressure but that is normal for me anyway to have low blood pressure. I was referred to a cardiologist while I was in hospital and I had to have lots of blood tests , I was put on a drip because I was dehydrated and I was waiting for a blood transfusion for a couple of days and in the end they didn't give me one and just prescribed a lot of iron tablets. My mum was looking after Daisie-Mae in the day while I was in hospital as my husband had to work. By the third day Alex said he would look after Daisie-Mae and he asked his boss if it was okay. My mum was really tired as she has health problems herself that cause her to be in pain everyday so she was exhausted by this point so we told her to stay in bed. Alex got to the hospital with Daisie-Mae and told me his boss was already pressuring him to go into and he explain he had to look after his daughter. His boss seemed to expected him to just leave Daisie-Mae in the hospital. Alex and I don't have alot of family around us to help so we couldn't ask anyone at this point. So I asked the doctor to discharge me despite been unwell. The doctor did as I asked and within 5 minutes of walking through my front door , Alex's boss messaged him to come into work immediately. My husband got a tattoo apprenticeship in December 2017 so in January 2018 he started his apprenticeship and went part time at his full time job. Since he went part time , certain people including his boss started to treat him differently , they started pressuring him and bullying him. My husband started to loose who he is was in March , he came home unhappy , sad and would hardly say anything to me. It broke my heart to see him that way and I couldn't help fix it. 

April 2018 - In April I was still collapsing but not as frequent. I was still scared of been on my own but I began to feel a little better and felt more mobile. I only had 6 weeks left of my pregnancy at this point so I began to enjoy it a little more. 
        In April my husband and I began to get handwritten letters threatening us. This person threaten to take our children away from us. This person had already been harassing us for over year but they was being smart about it and using other people to do it. This person is not allowed access to our children for very good reasons and as parents we protect our children. This person threaten us because they can't see our children , so instead tried threaten us and even used legal companies making up lies to try and contact us. This person the year before had contacted social services and made up a lie that Alex and I was giving certain substances to our eldest daughter Daisie-Mae and abusing her. This was a lie and was found out to be a lie. Luckily the health visitors knew about this person and what they was capable off. It absolutely broke Alex and I. The threats where now becoming annoying more than anything , we knew by this point they would never get there hands on our children. 
       At the end of April , my Grandparents came home for the arrival of Luna-Rose. Which took a weight of mine and my mum's shoulders as we had been pretty much living in each others pockets for the past few months. 


May 2018 - May came and we celebrated the arrival of Luna-Rose on the 11th of may. It was an easy birth compared to Daisie-Mae I was surprised how quick I recovered and I was at home within less than 24 hours of giving birth. I felt great , tired but great. Daisie-Mae was overwhelmed with emotion when she first saw Luna-Rose she couldn't believe  there was a baby and then after 10 minutes of tears she was cuddling and kissing her. 
      Alex had an agreement with his boss that he could have 2 weeks holiday after the birth of Luna-Rose because paternity leave he would loss alot more money. We was already struggle money wise. Of course a few days after Luna was born his boss started pressuring him to go in. Alex was getting frustrated , anxious and upset , after a long talk he quit his job. No job is worth your mental health and sanity . I was not prepared to watch my husband's mental get any worse because of that job. 
       We enjoyed having some family time for a couple of weeks and Alex went full time at the tattoo shop. I began to feel more myself again and was able to stay on my own again .


June 2018 - Apart from wedding planning stress , June was an nice easy month. We celebrated Daisie-Mae's 2nd birthday and we had lots of family days out. The weather was lovely during June , so lots of walks in the evening trying to shift the extra few pounds to fit in my wedding dress in July. I ordered my dress before I found out I was Pregnant , so after birth I was like AHHHHHH I need to loose weight now I have 11 weeks to fit in a size 6 dress!!! I went alot bigger than expected during pregnancy with Luna-rose than with Daisie-Mae. My 1st pregnancy I didn't show at all , so I did not expect to be as big as I was with Luna-Rose. 
At the end of June I had my cardiologist appointment which I was referred too in March. Believe it or not I am still waiting for the results. 



July 2018 - My emotions all over the place in early July. Excited , nervous , stressed , overwhelmed!!! 
       22nd of July!!!! Wedding day has arrived .... Ahhh the excited , the butterflies , the nerves!!! It was a fabulous day surrounded by the people we love the most. For the first time in my life I actually felt beautiful stood there in my wedding dress saying my vows. We loved every minute of our wedding day. 
         Nothing goes plain sailing with us though does it! 2 days after the wedding a car drove into the side of us and then a few weeks later a letter came from the police saying that the driver had reported my husband to the police saying he was dangerous driving... Yet they was the one who drove into us and then had a phone in there hand taking pictures of our car as they drove off.
     3 days after the wedding just as we nipped into town to grab a few bits before we went to the lakes for our honeymoon and we came home to pick up our cases. We took Daisie-Mae out the car and she was just starring into thin air.... I had Luna-Rose and we went inside the house. Alex put Daisie-Mae on the sofa and she started having a seizure. I have never been so scared in my life to see my baby that way. I rang an ambulance and gave information they asked for. By this point my baby was blue and not responding , Alex was rubbing her back , trying really hard to get her to respond. She was unconscious but slowing breathing. During this time I rang my mum to come and get Luna-Rose when I had finished on the phone to the ambulance service. After 25 minutes still no ambulance and my baby was still unconscious. I forgot to mention that when we pulled up to our house the car was leaking petrol really bad we noticed it while we was in town. So when my mum pulled up I ran to her and said we needed to get to the hospital now. Daisie-Mae was in my arms and I got in the car and she drove to the hospital. We pulled up at the ambulance bit and screamed for help , no one would help so I ran into the emergency entrance and a nurse came running to help me and took us in a bay. Daisie-Mae started to wake up and she was crying for me , her speech was slurred and I started panicking if she was okay. I couldn't understand what had happened to my baby. My mum parked up and Alex made his way to the hospital with Luna-Rose. My mum had phoned my grandma to help come and get Luna , So they took Luna-Rose back to my mum's and she stay there while Alex and I stay with Daisie-Mae. They did lots of tests on Daisie-Mae , she even had a CT scan as she was showing no signs of temperature so they ruled out a Febrile seizure. The doctors and nurses where baffled , they kept her under observation for 24 hours and said they wouldn't investigate any further until she has another seizure , luckily she has not had one since. We ended up going on our honeymoon trip to the lakes in September instead but cut our trip short in the end due to my anxiety.

August 2018 -  Money troubles started to hit us and started causing arguments between Alex and I. He was earning anything to pay the bills. He didn't want me too work , or even if I did my family don't seem to think I will cope. He was the one looking after our family and we was not been looked after. We wasn't even entitle to anything from the benefits or help. We had no money coming in bills weren't getting paid , we was struggling to pay for food. 



September 2018 - September came and money was still a big issue and arguments was still happening. By September my Anxiety had got worse. I was experiencing symptoms I have never experinced before. I was shaking , having hot sweats I felt like I couldn't breathe , I felt my face was swelling , I would feel dizzy. I began to have anxiety attacks everyday and become emotional. I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't want to go back on tablets but I knew I could't carry on this way not with two children. I went to the doctors to start back on anti-depressants , I was prescribed venafluxine which I had for years before having children , I stopped when I was pregnant with my first child. I knew they suited me , I was anxious about taken them. Food , touch and medication was still a big issue for me from what happened in January has still stuck with me and caused anxiety. Anyway not wanting to feel this way anymore motivated me to take them. However I reacted to the medication and my husband had to ring an ambulance.My husband  play football on Sundays and we was at football at the time I reacted too it. My face and body felt like it was on fire , I felt like I couldn't breathe , my sight was going funny. I felt like I was going to pass out , I couldn't understand what was happening. I was checked over at the hospital it turns out while I was experiencing all the side effects with venafluxine I also had an anxiety attack and my body couldn't handle it and went all over the place. I thought I would be the safest with the tablet because of having it for years previously. This made my anxiety worse and by the end of September I felt suicidal and started to self harm. 

October 2018 -  During October my husband had to stay at home more often because I didn't want to be here anymore. I started to cut myself on my arms and I wanted to end my life. My anxiety attacks had become several times a day , I was scared of myself . I went back to the doctors and they referred me to the mental health team and we aimed to go down therapy route. I was then referred to a psychologist who specialist in autism. Been autistic therapy can be hard to communicate so it is easier to have someone who understand and is patience with you. I haven't had good experiences in the past down to lack of communicate and understanding. Alex and I began to argue over everything and anything which became stressful on both parts. 


November 2018 -  I Started therapy and I was back to been at my mum's most days, I felt scared of myself. Alex and I had spoke about separating after Christmas , i felt like a failure. 4 months into marriage and already talking about separating. 
        After all the stress I didn't even think about that time of month and then a realized I was really late. I tried to brush it of  but within a few days I was having symptoms of morning sickness and I just knew I was pregnant. Thousands of thoughts was going through my head , how can I be pregnant again ? we have been using condoms. I can't be. But I just knew I was. I took a test which confirmed it and I went to the doctors. I was about 6 weeks pregnant.... 

December 2018 - Unfortunately I was not able to continue with the pregnancy due to medical reasons and I had surgery at 8 weeks pregnant on the 12th of December . I have spoke about saying goodbye to our angel on my previous post I posted before Christmas. 
       My grandparents came home on the day I had my surgery , they live in turkey , so they flew back for Christmas. They was there to help me aswell as my mum through a difficult time. My Grandparents knew about our difficult time with money and kindly gifted Alex and I some money so we was able to buy our children some presents for Christmas , I am forever grateful for there kindness , they didn't need to help us. 
The sadness of saying to our baby actually brought Alex and I together again. We became closer and agreed to fight for each other. 
    Christmas was a lovely day with Family I couldn't ask for anything better. Boxing day I ended up in hospital , loosing a lot of blood over the past weeks in December after surgery made my iron levels drop again and went funny again like when I was pregnant. So I spend boxing day in hospital and the next few days resting. 
       Finishing the year with a bang they say..... 
Nothing goes smoothly for us does it ha! On new years eve that morning while we was getting dressed , Daisie-Mae climb up onto our cupboard in our bedroom and manged to reach some of Alex's art work solution which is for blending colours  together it has some acid in it. It was an unopened bottle and she managed to get a child proof lid off and drank some of it. It is a clear solution so I think she thought it was a bottle of water. Alex and I had our backs turned for  a minute while we picking out our clothes and she had done this! Within seconds she started choking and coughing and thought she had pinched some chocolate of the side and choked on it. Then I smelt and saw the solution on the side with the cap off  , we rang an ambulance as she started to turn a greyish colour and was still coughing. They told us to lay her on her side. You could smell the solution on her breath it was so strong and smelt like nail polish remover. The ambulance service said if we could get her to the hospital to get her there straight away because it was busy in the area and an ambulance wouldn't get there for another 20 minutes. So we put her in the car and drove to the hospital, we rang my mum on the way and she was going to meet us there to get Luna-Rose , once again comes to the rescue. I ran into the children's A&E and asked for help , they got a nurse and took us into a bay straight away  , by this time she had stopped coughing and was spaced out but awake. She had tests done including a chest x-ray and everything came back fine internally. She had to be monitored for several hours just in case something happened but she was fine and was back to herself a few days later. Children don't half put the fear in you!





So that was my 2018 and it has really pushed my mental health this year ,don't get me wrong there were some special and happy moments in 2018 like the birth of Luna-Rose and getting married. But it has been a very hard year and I am sure many other people will have been tested in 2018. I hope 2019 is a better year and my anxiety gets better so I can be the best mum I can be. 








                                  Thank you for reading 
                                       Love Ava 
                                            xoxo

Saying Goodbye To Our Angel

Hello everyone I hope everyone is well and is not stressing to much over Christmas time. 
      The past month has been a dreadful time for my husband and I , we are still coming terms with everything that has happened and it has been very difficult. At the end of november I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant , i kind already knew I was pregnant before I took a test. I had terrible morning sickness for weeks and I felt exactly the same way I did in the early stages of pregnancy with my two children. My husband and I don't exactly have the best luck with protection,  my first child I was on the pill when I fell pregnant and this time I fell pregnant while using condoms.  
         Unfourtnley due to health and medical reasons I was unable to continue with the pregnancy ( I don't want to go to much into details as it is still raw)  and had to have surgery to terminate the pregnancy.  On the 12th of December I had surgery , from the moment I pulled up to the car park I cried and cried. I cried walking up to the ward , I cried while I waited for surgery , I cried while I was taking down to surgery and I cried while I was being put to sleep. The nurse gave me something to calm myself down before being put to sleep , the nurse held my hand while I was being put to sleep but I don't have any recollection of the anaesthetist giving me anaesthetic at all. I woke up after surgery feeling like I had given birth all over again. I would not wish the pain of feeling like you have given birth but you have no baby to hold on my worst enemy, it's a feeling you can not describe apart from heartbreak. 
     I feel nothing but guilt and pain that I couldn't continue with the pregnancy and wonder what could of been my heart is broken. My husband is broken too , although he doesn't express his feelings in the same way I do , I cry a lot,  he holds his thoughts and feelings in. He got angel wings tattooed on the back of his neck , that's his way of coping with things. I think it will be along time till we feel normal again and I don't think the pain will ever truly go away. 
      10 days after surgery I am still feeling sore and still bleeding on and off but I suppose it will take awhile for everything to be back to normal pshyically. The guilt will never go away but we have to come to terms with saying goodbye to our angel. 
Mentally and emotionally it has been draining for the both of us but we need each other to get through this. 
I am sorry we couldn't keep you my darling xo




                            Love Ava 
                             Xoxo

The Suicidal Thoughts You Keep Fighting Everyday PART 3 - Medication Problems , Financial Stress & Feeling Scared

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and looking forward to there weekend.

 Personally the past couple of weeks have been mentally draining and in my last blog post I talked about how I was struggling to cope with my anxiety and that I made the decision to go back to the doctors and ask for help. 
The outcome of that was that I was put back on anti-depressants venafalxine  , however I reacted to the medication prescribed and ended up been taken into hospital in an ambulance , which I am still struggling to understand why I reacted to it when I had venaflaxine for years but stopped taking them when I found out I was pregnant with my eldest daughter. After my hospital trip I went back to my doctor and he agreed medication would not be best for me , especially when my anxiety revolves around what is put in my body it is just going to cause more anxiety and distress.
I am trying to get through each day , I feel mentally , physically and emotionally drained. 
Financial stress and worry is not helping my anxiety either. My husband and I are struggling financial , struggling to pay bills and to put food on the table each week. There is sometimes weeks we avoid food shopping because we know we cant afford it , we always make sure are children are fed and there is always something there for them but there is times were we have skipped meals so there is enough food to last the rest of the week. The financial stress is causing arguments between us which I suppose finance is one of the most common things couples fight. It is just constantly one thing after another money wise , there is more going out than there is coming in. 
My anxiety is making me want to hurt myself because that is the only way I can feel any release from it. I am scared of myself and I sometimes think I am my own worst enemy. I feel nothing but hate towards myself at the moment , I sometimes feel like I want to run away and hide but I know my babies need me even if I feel like the worst mum in the world. They are the reason I am still here fighting everyday. Any happiness I feel , a constant unnerving  feeling of guilt always seems to be in the my stomach. It is a constant vicious circle....




I am going to leave today's blog post there and continue with updates.

Thank you for reading 

Love Ava

xox