Bullied By The Inner Circle ( My Bullying Story)

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is doing well and are having a lovely day! :) Today's blog post is about the unpleasant topic of bullying. Unfortunately many people in today's society have experienced some form of bullying whether it be cyber bullying , mental , physical or emotional bullying. Bullying behaviour can occur from anyone , a friend , a parent ,a family member , a loved one , a teacher , a stranger. Bullying is not always visible , sometimes it happens behind close doors , when nobody is watching , where nobody can stride to your defence. For four years this was my life , bullied in the shadows by a girl who to the outside world appeared as a friend but behind closed doors she made my life hell. This is my story......

( I changed the actual person's name involved in this story to "Nicole")

When I was 14 I walked into my form room during school lunch time and there Nicole sat on a stool , alone with her palms covering her face while crying. I have known Nicole for years , we went to the same primary school but I hadn't spoke to her since back then. Nicole was a trouble maker even back in primary , always telling lies about people and trying to get people in trouble. Anyway I  hesitated to speak to her even though we were in the same form. I pulled up another stool and sat next to her , I asked if she was okay and if she needed to talk I would listen. She told me everything that was wrong , she smiled and wiped her tears away. She invited me round her house for tea, as she only lived literally around the corner from me I accepted the offer. That evening after school I went to hers for tea , we laughed , we joked , we watched T.v and a friendship was born! Or so I thought......

                   The next day at school I walked up to her and thanked her for inviting me to her house for tea. She was stood with her friends who she had fell out with the previous day which is why she was so upset . Nicole and her friends stood there and gave me a dirty look , Nicole said " What are you talking about? why are you talking to me?" I awkwardly said sorry and walked away. I over heard one of her friends say " What does that want ? What the hell is she on about?" I headed to form and not long after Nicole followed. 
        Nicole grabbed me by the arm and said " Don't speak to me in front of my friends again." In that moment I became terrified of her. She decided to sit next to me in form , my friends entered the form room and I said nothing... I was to scared to speak. My friends surprisingly greeted Nicole and asked if she was sitting with us today, as she never had done before. Nicole acted buddy buddy with my friends , while I still sat in silence. 
          From then on in front of people Nicole was nice to me , but when nobody was around she was horrible. She began to treat me like a pet , she told me to carry her bags , open her water bottle , give her some money , she would purposely drop things on the floor and tell me to pick them up because she knew I would. I was to afraid to stand up to her.
         A year later things had gotten worse. She would call me fat , ugly , a stupid bitch , she would trip me up in the middle of the street and burst out laughing at me. She would steal my personal belongings, She hit me in the face , she would pinch me on the arm , she would tell me to run to the shop and get her things. As I only lived around the corner from her , I knew I couldn't make up an excuse and I knew if I didn't do what she said , she would make things 100 times worse. She started spreading rumours that I was a prostitute. She would called me a slut , whore  and slag. She lied to my friends and said I had been saying nasty things about them , my friends turned against me and didn't want to know me any more.
       I felt more alone than ever , I was so scared of Nicole. She was making my life a misery. This carried on for another year , during that year a group of guys began cyber bulling me and Nicole egged them on by feeding them things to say to me. I began to self harm because I couldn't cope any more, Nicole found the scars on my arms and made fun of me calling me an attention seeking bitch.
               At 17 I finally had enough!!! I some how found the courage to stand up to her. She had text me to follow the orders she gave me , I text back saying " No I am done , stay out of my life for good." I thought it was over.... Boy was I wrong!
           The follow day I had constant texts from many different numbers sending me abuse. You fat bitch , you whore , you slut , kill yourself the messages said. This went on for days.... I finally broke down and told my mum what was going on. She comforted me and told me everything is going to be okay. The next day Nicole and her " friend" bashed on my front door , my step dad ran and opened the front door and Nicole pushed passed my step dad shouting and screaming at both of us with threats. My step dad told her to get out of his house before he would phone the police , Nicole and her friend left...

Nicole carried on to harass me , phone calls , social network sites , coming round to my house. I blocked her number , blocked her from social network sites!!! But she always found a way to contact me. She made new accounts to contact me , ringing me and sending messages using other people's phones. I wouldn't reply or pick up the phone.. Then one day I picked up the phone. I begged Nicole to stop and leave me alone. She started shouting down the phone " You disgusting fat bitch , I am going to make your life hell until your dead and I have buried you in your grave." 

     I hung up the phone and fell to the ground crying. I had enough, I was scared and couldn't cope any more. I ran to the  medication cupboard and grabbed all the tablets that where there. I went over to the sofa and sat down. I did not want to live any more , I took all the tablets in one go and overdosed. Not long after my step dad came home from work and  found me on the sofa and called an ambulance and I was rushed into resuscitation at the hospital. I later woke up on a ward and the nurses at the hospital took care of me till I was well enough to be discharged. 

The nurses and Psychiatrists at the hospital suggested to my Mum it would be wise to get the Police involved to stop the bullying. So My mum did and the bullying stopped. 

                  

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Love Ava

xoxox

The Violent One

The Violent One

A blistering Saturday evening in the summer of 2003. The BBQ sizzling swiftly with the local supermarket’s cheap meat firing away. Old friends clinking there beer bottles together with excitement while cheering with delight for no expressive reason. Listening to the summer beats playing in the background from the kitchen, while all the quests including myself sat outside on the plastic garden deck chairs which the hosts of the party owned. The summer breeze which spread rapidly as the evening progressed into the late night, and the guests started to tire out. The 9 year old me was exhausted, I sat on a garden deck chair with my legs tucked up to my chest with my cardigan wrapped around me. As I was the only child apart from a new born baby there that night I was getting bored as the night continued. The hosts of the party were friends of my Dad and Step mum. They had invited my Dad, Step Mum, Step Brother and myself to their summer party BBQ, although my Step Brother was not able to go to the party as he was visiting his Dad for the weekend.

          As the party began to come to an end and people started to say their goodbyes, I started to feel relieved that it was almost time to go home. I was tired; irritated from being too tired and being a child adult conversations tend to bore you, I was ready to leave. My Dad and Step Mum began to say their goodbyes to all their friends, and the taxi the hosts had phoned for us had arrived. My Step Mum had offered the taxi to a couple who she didn’t know but they were good friends with the hosts of the party. As the couple had a new born baby and wanted to get home as soon as possible, so they took the offer and thanked my Step Mum.

      The fury in my Dad’s intoxicated face.  His expression said it all, he was angry. Angry that my Step Mum had offer our taxi to someone else. We waited another 45 minutes for a taxi to arrive. By then it was the early hours of the morning, and the 3 of us said our final goodbyes to everyone and hopped into the taxi. The car pulled away from the host’s house and set off for the journey home. I was sat in the middle of my Dad and Step Mum in the back of the taxi; I just knew there was argument about to explode between them. I knew the reaction in my Dad’s face wasn’t going to let it go.

   Before I knew it, he had turned to my Step Mum and shouted “You stupid cow, what the hell did you let them take our taxi for.” “They have a little baby, you selfish bastard “said my Step Mum. “ I don’t fucking care, I wanted to go home” said my Dad. Stuck in the middle of them both I told them to stop fighting, while the taxi driver awkwardly carried on the drive home. Both my Dad and Step Mum were silent for the rest of the journey home. We paid the taxi man, got out the car and walked up the pathway to the front door. My Step Mum opened the door and took a stride into the hallway leading into the living room. The dog they both owned who was called Jack came running out of the kitchen and jumped around the living room with excitement that we were home. My Dad followed both myself and my Step Mum into the house shortly after while leaving the front door open, my Step Mum politely asked him to close the door and that is when the trouble began…..

    “Close the fucking door yourself” he said. “What? Why are you acting like this?” my Step Mum said. “Like what” he said while getting right up in her face. “ Oh just get lost you prick” she said... He raised his fist to hit her and at the same time my Step Mum swung her leg up and kicked him in the side of his leg to defend herself. He screamed “you bitch” while grabbing her by the neck and threw her to the floor. He sat on top on her and started choking her. She was gasping for air, and struggling to move from under his heavy weight. I started screaming “stop it, just stop it, get away from her.” I stood in fear, speechless of what was happening. A hot summer’s night suddenly felt frozen, turned to ice, the no existed chill in the air became real.

      I began to beg my Dad to get off my Step Mum; he wouldn’t listen to and started to aggressively punch her in the face. Jack became fearful to the violence that was occurring and hid behind the couch while squealing. I begged my dad again to stop hurting her, but he wouldn’t listen. My Step Mum had blood running down her face, a broken nose and a busted lip. I began to cry as I saw the blood dripping onto the floor. My Dad carried on hitting her and hitting her, he wouldn’t stop. I ran into the back room where a baseball bat was kept, I grabbed the bat and ran back into the living room. I started to hit the bat as hard as I could onto the side of the living room door to try and get my Dad’s attention hoping it would stop him hitting my Step Mum.  It didn’t work! So I dropped the bat to the floor and jumped onto his back to pull him off my Step Mum.  He struggled standing up with me on his back but once he did he grabbed the side of arm and threw me across the room into a brick wall. In the meantime my Step Mum had fought to stand up onto her feet, covered in her own blood.

           My Dad turned to me and told me to “Stay out of it or else.” He turned back around and grabbed my Step Mum by the neck once more and pushed her threw the open front door onto the grass in the front garden. She fell to the ground once again crying with pain. The next door neighbours awakened by the screaming and shouting started peeking through their bedroom windows. One neighbour came outside and asked my Dad if everything was alright. He walked over to the fence where the neighbour was to speak to him.

      Meanwhile Jack ran out of the house and through the unlocked gate, running away from the violence. I ran after jack chasing him down the street shouting his name, but he was too fast for me and I lost track of him. My Dad soon caught up with me, screaming “get back into that house you stupid girl.” I ran back to the house out fear of what he might do if he didn’t. I got to the end of the gate and My Step Mum was nowhere to be seen in the garden. I walked up to the front door and she came rushing out, she kissed me on the forehead with blood and her tears running down her face. She told me she was sorry and she had to go , she can’t stay here. She had rushed into the house to get the car keys, she ran to the car and waved goodbye to me. I started to cry again, I was confused, I didn’t understand what had happened; all I knew was that it was very wrong.

         I walked back into the house and shortly after my Step Mum waved goodbye, my Dad came back to the house. He raised his voice and told me to go upstairs and get ready for bed, I did exactly that and then I heard a barking. JACK!!! I ran down the stairs, unlocked the front door and there he was waiting at the end of the gate. I ran outside to get him; I picked him up, cuddled him and kissed him on the head. I started walking back towards the house and there my Dad stood staring at me… I gasped. He had a displeasured raged look in his eyes….. He was not my Dad anymore…..

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Love Ava

xoxox

An Addiction Too Laxatives ( The Horrible Truth About Laxatives )

Hello everybody , I hope everyone is well and are having a lovely day! :) Today's blogpost is going to be about my personal story about having an addiction to laxatives. If you are easily grossed out or repulsed by nitty gritty details about the human body ,you may want to skip this post as I am going to tell the honest truth about the affects of having an addiction too laxatives. 

   An addiction to laxatives comes under Bulimia Nervosa as you are forcing the removal of food that you have consumed. If you have followed me or been reading my blog's for awhile you may be aware that I have suffered with Anorexia Nervosa for a long time.  Back in 2011 I became addicted to taking laxatives. Previous to 2011 from the age of 11 / 12 years old (2006) I had taken diet and slimming pills on and off till I was 17 years old. In 2011 at 17 years old I became addicted to laxatives , I couldn't go a day without taking them. I mentally , psychically and emotionally felt like I couldn't survive without taking laxatives, if I ran out or could not get hold of any laxatives my body would start to become shaky and I would panic which would result in having an anxiety attack. I took laxatives mainly in liquid form ( Lactulose) from the age of 17 for 3 years up to the age of 20 I would constantly take laxatives in hope of loosing more weight. The more I became addicted to laxatives the quantity of the amount I would take would increase. By the age of 19 I was taking 500ml of lactulose within 2 days , my body felt like I would not be able to cope without consuming the liquid. I became reliant  and obsessive towards laxatives which increased my anxiety and I began to be aggressive in the way I spoke to loved ones. 

             The psychical affect of taking laxatives is not exactly pleasant. I spent 90% of my day on toilet because of the amount of lactulose I would consume. The pain was agonizing , my belly was swollen all the time , I felt like somebody was slowly grazing a knife in my tummy and because of constant straining while being on the toilet my chest , lungs , kidney , stomach and bottom was painfully aching. I had lack of sleep at night due to running to the toilet regularly. I sat at night in the bathroom crying asking myself was putting myself through this pain really worth it? I was so determined to lose more and more weight that I would continue to put myself through this pain for 3 years. 
I felt embarrassed that taking laxatives constantly made me windy.  It got to a stage where I felt so bad about myself and I hated myself so much that I felt like I deserved to be in pain. I was dehydrated all the time and when my belly was in excruciating pain I would walk hunched over because I couldn't lift my body up it was that painful. 

How Laxatives Could Affect Somebody Long Term

. Organ damage 

. Kidney Failure 

. Death 

. Heart disease of failure 

. Damage to the intestines 

. Muscle and joint problems 

. Infertility 

. Depression / Anxiety 

. Irregular periods 

. Bowel disease

Every day is a struggle living with an eating disorder , but I am happy to say it has just been under a year since I have last taken any laxatives. In summer of 2014 with lots of help from the eating disorder team and dietician I was under at that time helped me to come up with a routine and strategy to help reduce the amount of laxatives I was taking until I completely stopped. I am not going to lie and say it was easy , it was a struggle and hard work. There were times I wanted to give in and go back to taking the 500ml bottle of lactulose and there where times where it all felt too much and I wanted to jump off a cliff. One of my main motivations that helped me reduce and stop taking laxatives was that when I was told by my dietician that if I continue to take laxatives it could possibly make me infertile in the future. As somebody who has always wanted children it made me panic and motivated me to stop taking them.   

   How Taking Laxatives Affected My Life 

. Isolation from society

. Lack of sleep 

. Crying and emotional 

. Aggressive towards others 

. Depressed 

. Irritable 

. Spending most of the day in the bathroom

. No social life

. Dizziness

. Weak limbs 

. Embarrassed

. Addictive  

If you are somebody seeking help for a laxative addiction or would just like to know more about this topic see some of the links below or visit my help and information page :)

NATIONAL EATING DISORDERS.ORG

BE-AT.CO.UK

NHS

PRIORY GROUP

SUPPORTLINE.ORG

BULIMIA HELP

Love Ava

xoxox

Understanding Overall Mental Health And The Impact It May Have On A Person

Mental Health relates to how an individual copes with daily life and how they are able to function. There are two different types of mental health which often people misinterpret. People often mistake the term " Mental Health" as  a mental illness or condition in the mind , when actually Mental Health refers to a person's overall Mental Health, well-being  and if they are mentally healthy enough to cope with the pressures of daily life and be able to involve themselves in society. This is known as "Positive Mental Health". A individual with an illness or condition in the mind which prevents them from being able to function and cope with daily life is known as " Mental Ill- Health ." Mental Ill- Health covers a wide range of illnesses and conditions within the mind and how a person thinks , it does not just relate to  one  significant condition.   

Positive Mental Health 

. Positive Mental Health includes a person ability to cope with the demands and pressures of daily life. This includes the individuals capability of being able to cope with stress and difficult situations and circumstances.

. Being able to function in the community and society and being able to maintain relationships within society  is also apart of  Positive Mental Health.

. An individual having a healthy perception is an essential part of Positive Mental Health. It is important that a person is able to make sense of every day life and daily events that surround the individual.  

. Being emotional healthy is another important of  Positive Mental Health. Such as having an understanding and the ability to be able to express emotions and feelings.

. Healthy thinking is another part of Positive Mental Health. A person needs to have the capability to think clearly and be able to solve problems and make decisions for themselves to function properly.  

Elements That Can Affect And Impact On An Individuals " Positive Mental Health"

. Genes may be one possible component that could affect a person's Positive Mental Health. If a close family member or if there is a history of mental - ill health in the individuals ancestry , it is possible that a individual may inherit the same or similar mental health illness or condition. Such as schizophrenia , depression , anxiety , bipolar or personality disorder and eating disorders. 

. Another possible element that could affect a person's Positive Mental Health is the individuals childhood experiences. A person's upbringing and early experiences in life could impact on the individual mentally , emotionally and psychically  later in life. Positive environments can help a person to have good mental health and prevent mental ill-health, however negative environments could increase the risk of the individual having a mental health condition or illness. 

. Life events could also affect an individuals Positive Mental Health. Things such as , childhood , relationships , education, work life and social life could all influence the way a person reacts to different issues , problems or life events. 

. Social support and networks may have a positive affect on a person. When a person is vulnerable it is important that they have support around to help maintain Positive Mental Health , this support includes family , friends and a persons local community which can provide interaction and support. If a person does not have support it could increase the risk of an individual developing a mental health illness or condition. 

. A person's Positive Mental Health can depend entirely on the individual's own ability to cope. It is important for an individual to have coping strategies to help them cope with daily life and  face problems they may encounter. A person's capability will depend upon their resilience to previous experiences and life events.  

. An individuals lifestyle could also be an element which could affect a person's Positive Mental Health. Having a healthy diet and participating in regular exercise is very important for a person to maintain Positive Mental Health.

. It is key that a person makes sure they balance employment. Although employment may give an individual enjoyment and a sense of self-worth , being able to balance their work load is important to prevent unneeded stress and pressure. The stress and pressure could impact on a person's mental ability to cope.

.   Financial security and housing could also affect an individuals Positive Mental Health. Being aware of finances is essential for a person , so they are able to provide for themselves and have stability. 

Risk Factors That Could Lead To An Individual Developing A Mental Health Problem.   

. Individual risk factors which may include an individuals low self esteem , insecurity and lack of confidence could possibly put them at risk of developing a mental health problem. A person's lifestyle choice such as, diet , smoking or drinking may also be a factor of an individual developing a mental health problem. 

. Risk factors associated within an individuals family may include , violence , psychiatric disorder , neglect , divorce , family breakdown and unemployment which could cause an individual to develop a mental health disorder or illness. 

. Social factors may include being isolated from family , friends , the local community and the rest of society. Being disconnected from others could increase the risk of a person developing a mental health illness or condition. 

. Risk factors associated with education may include things such as bullying , lack of friends , struggling with school work could impact on an individual later in life. This could possibly lead to developing an mental health illness.

. Risk factors associated with life events such as unemployment , homelessness , bereavement , abuse , psychical illness and traumatic experiences could all lead to a person to developing a mental health problem. 

Common Mental  Ill - Health Problems 

. Depression

. Anxiety 

. Obsessive - Compulsive Disorder ( OCD)

. Phobias 

. Schizophrenia 

Bipolar Disorder 

. Eating Disorders 

Daily Difficulties That An Individual With A Mental Health Problem May Face

. Daily actives such as preparing meals , getting dressed , personal hygiene , cleaning the house and looking after their children may be challenging for a person suffering with a mental health problem.

. Finances may be a struggle to keep track off , paying bills may be stress for the individual who is suffering with a mental health problem.

. Employment may be difficult for a person with a mental health problem . The individual may find it hard to communicate with other co-workers and engage in activities in the work place. 

. A person's sleeping pattern could possibly affect if they are suffering with a mental health problem 

. Eating habits could also be affect , lack of appetite or over eating could occur. 

.  Relationships which may include , family , friends , romantic relationships , co-workers or members of the local community , could be hugely affected. An individual with a mental health problem could possibly become disconnected and isolated from others. 

.  Self image is also a possible difficulty that a person may face. Negative views and self hatred about themselves could be something an individual experiences.  

. Somebody who is suffering with a mental health problem physical health can also be affect.  For example someone who suffers with anxiety or stress may get rapid high blood pressure or stomach ulcers.



How A Person With A Mental Health Problem May Feel

. Depressed 

. Low Self Esteem 

. Stressed

. Lonely

. Selfish 

. Suicidal

. Angry

. Hopeless

. Tired

. Sadness

. Anxious

. No self worth 

. Paranoid 

. Tearful

. Self hatred

. Confusion 
  

For more information on this topic see the helpful websites below! :)




RETHINK.ORG
MIND.ORG
NHS
TURN2ME.ORG
TIME TO CHANGE.ORG.UK












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xoxox