The Violent One

The Violent One

A blistering Saturday evening in the summer of 2003. The BBQ sizzling swiftly with the local supermarket’s cheap meat firing away. Old friends clinking there beer bottles together with excitement while cheering with delight for no expressive reason. Listening to the summer beats playing in the background from the kitchen, while all the quests including myself sat outside on the plastic garden deck chairs which the hosts of the party owned. The summer breeze which spread rapidly as the evening progressed into the late night, and the guests started to tire out. The 9 year old me was exhausted, I sat on a garden deck chair with my legs tucked up to my chest with my cardigan wrapped around me. As I was the only child apart from a new born baby there that night I was getting bored as the night continued. The hosts of the party were friends of my Dad and Step mum. They had invited my Dad, Step Mum, Step Brother and myself to their summer party BBQ, although my Step Brother was not able to go to the party as he was visiting his Dad for the weekend.

          As the party began to come to an end and people started to say their goodbyes, I started to feel relieved that it was almost time to go home. I was tired; irritated from being too tired and being a child adult conversations tend to bore you, I was ready to leave. My Dad and Step Mum began to say their goodbyes to all their friends, and the taxi the hosts had phoned for us had arrived. My Step Mum had offered the taxi to a couple who she didn’t know but they were good friends with the hosts of the party. As the couple had a new born baby and wanted to get home as soon as possible, so they took the offer and thanked my Step Mum.

      The fury in my Dad’s intoxicated face.  His expression said it all, he was angry. Angry that my Step Mum had offer our taxi to someone else. We waited another 45 minutes for a taxi to arrive. By then it was the early hours of the morning, and the 3 of us said our final goodbyes to everyone and hopped into the taxi. The car pulled away from the host’s house and set off for the journey home. I was sat in the middle of my Dad and Step Mum in the back of the taxi; I just knew there was argument about to explode between them. I knew the reaction in my Dad’s face wasn’t going to let it go.

   Before I knew it, he had turned to my Step Mum and shouted “You stupid cow, what the hell did you let them take our taxi for.” “They have a little baby, you selfish bastard “said my Step Mum. “ I don’t fucking care, I wanted to go home” said my Dad. Stuck in the middle of them both I told them to stop fighting, while the taxi driver awkwardly carried on the drive home. Both my Dad and Step Mum were silent for the rest of the journey home. We paid the taxi man, got out the car and walked up the pathway to the front door. My Step Mum opened the door and took a stride into the hallway leading into the living room. The dog they both owned who was called Jack came running out of the kitchen and jumped around the living room with excitement that we were home. My Dad followed both myself and my Step Mum into the house shortly after while leaving the front door open, my Step Mum politely asked him to close the door and that is when the trouble began…..

    “Close the fucking door yourself” he said. “What? Why are you acting like this?” my Step Mum said. “Like what” he said while getting right up in her face. “ Oh just get lost you prick” she said... He raised his fist to hit her and at the same time my Step Mum swung her leg up and kicked him in the side of his leg to defend herself. He screamed “you bitch” while grabbing her by the neck and threw her to the floor. He sat on top on her and started choking her. She was gasping for air, and struggling to move from under his heavy weight. I started screaming “stop it, just stop it, get away from her.” I stood in fear, speechless of what was happening. A hot summer’s night suddenly felt frozen, turned to ice, the no existed chill in the air became real.

      I began to beg my Dad to get off my Step Mum; he wouldn’t listen to and started to aggressively punch her in the face. Jack became fearful to the violence that was occurring and hid behind the couch while squealing. I begged my dad again to stop hurting her, but he wouldn’t listen. My Step Mum had blood running down her face, a broken nose and a busted lip. I began to cry as I saw the blood dripping onto the floor. My Dad carried on hitting her and hitting her, he wouldn’t stop. I ran into the back room where a baseball bat was kept, I grabbed the bat and ran back into the living room. I started to hit the bat as hard as I could onto the side of the living room door to try and get my Dad’s attention hoping it would stop him hitting my Step Mum.  It didn’t work! So I dropped the bat to the floor and jumped onto his back to pull him off my Step Mum.  He struggled standing up with me on his back but once he did he grabbed the side of arm and threw me across the room into a brick wall. In the meantime my Step Mum had fought to stand up onto her feet, covered in her own blood.

           My Dad turned to me and told me to “Stay out of it or else.” He turned back around and grabbed my Step Mum by the neck once more and pushed her threw the open front door onto the grass in the front garden. She fell to the ground once again crying with pain. The next door neighbours awakened by the screaming and shouting started peeking through their bedroom windows. One neighbour came outside and asked my Dad if everything was alright. He walked over to the fence where the neighbour was to speak to him.

      Meanwhile Jack ran out of the house and through the unlocked gate, running away from the violence. I ran after jack chasing him down the street shouting his name, but he was too fast for me and I lost track of him. My Dad soon caught up with me, screaming “get back into that house you stupid girl.” I ran back to the house out fear of what he might do if he didn’t. I got to the end of the gate and My Step Mum was nowhere to be seen in the garden. I walked up to the front door and she came rushing out, she kissed me on the forehead with blood and her tears running down her face. She told me she was sorry and she had to go , she can’t stay here. She had rushed into the house to get the car keys, she ran to the car and waved goodbye to me. I started to cry again, I was confused, I didn’t understand what had happened; all I knew was that it was very wrong.

         I walked back into the house and shortly after my Step Mum waved goodbye, my Dad came back to the house. He raised his voice and told me to go upstairs and get ready for bed, I did exactly that and then I heard a barking. JACK!!! I ran down the stairs, unlocked the front door and there he was waiting at the end of the gate. I ran outside to get him; I picked him up, cuddled him and kissed him on the head. I started walking back towards the house and there my Dad stood staring at me… I gasped. He had a displeasured raged look in his eyes….. He was not my Dad anymore…..

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Understanding Depression And Knowing The Difference Between " Low Mood And Depression"

Although each person experiences feeling low during difficult times in their life , which is a natural part of life , feeling low is completely different from feeling depressed.  " Feeling Low" or having a low mood is a short term temporary feelings of sadness , frustration and stress. Depression includes more than just feelings of unhappiness ,but includes both the body and mind. An individual with clinical or severe depression tends to not have the capability to move a side or shake off the feeling of unhappiness and sadness.
    An individual with depression often struggles with daily activity and their life becomes challenging.  If a person is experiencing low mood and unhappy feelings for more than 2 weeks and their low mood has not decreased in anyway , it is very important that they see there doctor as there is a high risk of the individual  developing depression. If a person does not receive any support or treatment for there clinical depression it will increasingly worsen and could possibly last for a period of years. Depression has a negative affect on a person physically, mentally and emotionally and can substantially have an interference with family life , work life and relationships.

Possible Causes Of Depression 

. Situations such as bereavement , divorce or losing a job could have an impact on a individual. The individual may have difficulty coming to terms with this sudden development and enter a state of depression. 

. Different circumstances such as a person living alone , having no friends and being isolated from others , stressed and overly worried about things are at risk of developing depression.

. Physical illnesses could be a possible cause of depression as a physical illness can affect how the brain works. Physical illnesses could include cancer , heart disease , arthritis , flu , glandular fever and under-active thyroid.

. A person's personality could make them more vulnerable to developing depression , depending on the individuals state of mind , genes , life experiences in their present life and early life.

. Alcohol and drug use could be a cause of  developing depression. A person may be already experiencing low mood , and turning to drugs and alcohol may increase their depressive mood as they are a "depressant".

. It is proven that women are more likely to suffer with depression more than men. A woman being depressed may possibly relate to postnatal depression.

. Genes can often play apart in an individual developing depression.  Close family members who have suffered with depression may increase the possibility of an individual developing depression.

How an individual's life may be affected by depression


. A person may become more tearful , guilty , frustrated and emotional. An individual may lose interest and enjoyment in things they once found pleasurable. 

. Depression can have an impact on a person's self confidence and self esteem , which may make the individual lose faith in there capabilities.

. Eating habits can be hugely affected by depression , a person may experience over indulging food or eating little .

. Feelings of hopelessness can cause a person to think situations are much worse than they actually are. This may lead to avoidance for the individual.

. Depression can cause a person to have a lack of energy and could prevent them from doing day to day activities , even simple activities such as ironing or the washing. 

. Existing relationships and making new relationships can be struggling for an individual with depression.

. Sleeping patterns can be affected . A person may experience lack of sleep or sleeping constantly.

. Isolation from others and society is common for a person to experience with depression. 


How A Person With Depression May Feel 


. Frustrated
. Guilt 
. Anger
. Grief 
. Ashamed 
. Acceptance 
. Hopeless 
. Confusion 
. Suicidal 





 Depression Signs That Family Members And Loved Ones Should Look Out For And Recognise In An Individual






. A dramatic change in an individual's sleeping pattern could be a sign that a loved one or family member should look out for when being concerned of the individual developing depression. 


. Reckless Behaviour is another sign that should be taken into consideration. 

. Loss of appetite or over eating is also a sign that loved ones and family members should be aware of. 

. A person self loathing and a decrease in their self confidence and self esteem is another sign that should be looked out for.  

. Loss of energy and loss of  interest in things an individual once loved is something loved ones and family members should keep an eye on , when being concerned about an individual developing depression.

. Self harming or suicidal thoughts or ideas is very important to be aware of. 

. Complaints of aches and pains could also be a sign that loved ones need to watch out for.




Help , Local Resources And Treatment For Depression






. Exercise is a proven self help to help depression , as exercise produces chemicals in your body that helps improve your mood.

. Self help groups can be useful for an individual with depression , as talking about similar problems to what other people may be experiencing may be comforting to know they are not alone.

. Talking therapies may be helpful for an individual with depression which will normally be recommend by their Doctor. Talking therapies , may include psychotherapy , CBT ( Cognitive Behavioural Therapy )  and counselling. 

. Antidepressants may be required for some individuals to help improve there mood and to help function daily. 

. Mental health teams have experience of working with people with depression and an individual may be referred to a mental health team. The mental health teams include psychologists , psychiatrists , specialist nurses and occupational therapists.



 More Support And Information 

DEPRESSION ALLIANCE
MIND.ORG.UK
TURN2ME.ORG
PRIORY GROUP
GREAT BRITISH COMMUNITY
FRIENDSINNEED
ACTION DEPRESSION
PANDAS
SAMARITANS
  






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xoxo

. 

Confessions Of Living With Anorexia Nervosa ( Eating Disorder ) * My Story*

Okay... So It has taken me alot of courage to actually type this, but some how I feel as though I need to let things of my chest. I know It is a completely different kind of post for my blog. But if me typing my story helps at least one person who is also a sufferer of Anorexia Nervosa understand that they are not alone and they don't need to afraid, then my job is done.  


Hello my name is Ava and I am a sufferer of Anorexia Nervosa. From a young age I have always had problems with my weight , my body has always been my enemy. As a young child I was always the chubby child amongst my friends. My mum brought myself up to have a healthy balanced diet , which I certainly adapted too. I could not understand why I was the child sat there snacking on a bag of tomatoes and be the chubby child , while the children I was surrounded by was snacking on two packets of crisps and they were skinny minnies!!! I constantly beat myself up about it... It made me feel very unhappy , confused of not understanding why my body was different. 


At 12 years old I started to diet constantly , Slim fast , Diet pills , laxatives and over exercising. I would starve myself for 5 days while I was at school as I was embarrassed eat around others. Then at the weekends I would binge.... I would eat  7 days worth of calories in 2 days , thinking it would make me loose weight. Boy oh boy was I wrong !!! It would make me miserable , frustrated , and it made me gain weight not loose it. I began to self harm by cutting my wrists ,I felt like it was the only way of letting my frustration out by harming myself.  I became angry and repulsed , this turned into hatred towards myself.  This diet routine went on for 5 years until I was 17 years old. 

The Bullying 

I had been bullied through out my life , however at the age of 15 things became 100 times worse. As a teenager I was still chubby , so it was very easy for a bully to target me for my weight. You expect a bully to be someone who barely knows you at all , in my case the bully looked as though they were my friend to the outside world. Let's name the bully ermmm... Louise , so I don't keep referring to them as the bully. Being Autistic  I am often socially isolated from others and find it difficult to understand people . I frequently struggle being social and communicating with others. Unfortunately I am easily manipulated by people , because I put trust into people too quickly. Basically if someone told me to stick my hand in a fire , I would do it. I would do it because I have been told to do it ( therefore in my head I instantly feel as though I have to obey authority). Louise had always picked up on the fact I was easily manipulated and she sure used it to her advantage. I don't want to go into too much detail as it still hurts to think about today. Louise... She made me do things I didn't want to do ,she would publicly embarrass me for her own amusement. She was emotionally , verbally , mentally and physically abusive to me. I was petrified of her. She turned all my old friends against me by making up lies about myself. I didn't tell anyone for 2 years what was going on , I was so scared of Louise... I was afraid of what she was going to do to me.  I lived 170 metres away from her , she lived literally around the corner from me , there was no escaping from her. She would constantly make remarks about my weight which really hurt me. She knew I had issues with food as I wouldn't eat in public. I was embarrassed to eat, I felt so ashamed!!! I felt like I would be a disappointment if I were too eat.


The Overdose

At 17 years old enough was enough!!! I couldn't handle Louise bullying me any more. I had finally broken down to my Mum and told her everything , the bullying , my eating habits. My Mum held me tight while I cried , She told me I could do it , I could stand up to Louise and everything was going to be okay.
   I told Louise I wanted nothing more to do with her!!! I thought it was all over... No!!! No it wasn't... She began to harass me , phone calls , social network sites , coming round to my house. I blocked her number , blocked her from social network sites!!! But she always found a way to contact me. She made new accounts to contact me , ringing me and sending messages using other people's phones. She even came to my house and stormed into my living room after my step Dad answered the front door , she barged passed him screaming threats at both of us. 
       I wouldn't normally reply or pick up the phone... Then one day I picked up the phone. I begged Louise to stop and leave me alone. She started shouting down the phone " You disgusting fat bitch , I am going to make your life hell until your dead and I have buried you in your grave." 
     I hung up the phone and fell to the ground crying. I had enough, I was scared and couldn't cope any more. I ran to the  medication cupboard and grabbed all the tablets that where there. I went over to the sofa and sat down. I did not want to live any more , I took all the tablets in one go and overdosed. Not long after my step dad came home from work and  found me on the sofa and called an ambulance and I was rushed into resuscitation at the hospital. I later woke up on a ward and the nurses at the hospital took care of me till I was well enough to be discharged. 
The nurses and Psychiatrists at the hospital suggested to my Mum it would be wise to get the Police involved to stop the bullying. So My mum did and in time the bullying stopped. 

Diagnosed 

After the overdose , I struggled to cope. The bullying may have stopped , but in my mind the words that where said , began constantly to eat away at me. The voice in my head kept saying " You are fat , you are ugly , you are fat , do not eat." I started to pick at food , and then completely stopped eating all together. I would only drink strawberry water. My weight loss had become noticeable , and the people around me became aware there was a problem. I had gone from weighing 10 and half stone to 7 and half  within 5 weeks. My hair started to fall out , I was constantly cold , my hands and feet where blue. My arms where weak ,my bones in my legs and back where hurting . I could barely walk up the stairs. My periods had stopped and I was not able to go to the toilet. I had horrible chest pains , I couldn't breathe properly , My Mum begged me to get help. I refused , I didn't need any help I said!A few days later... I was in so much pain , I eventually gave in and asked my mum to help me. She took me to the hospital , where I laid in a hospital bed been seen by countless Doctors , Nurses and Psychiatrists. I was then referred to the Eating Disorder team and was Diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.   

Still Struggling But Still Hoping 

I am now 21 years old  and I have been under the Eating Disorder team for 4 years. I wish I could say that in these past 4 years I am starting to get better. Unfortunately I am not... I wish it was that simple , that I had a magic wand and could make it go away. The truth is I am struggling more than ever right now , I hope one day I will beat it. In the past 4 years I turned to laxatives and became addicted to them. There are days when I eat nothing , but I pretend I do so my family won't worry. I refuse to eat anything else but fruit and vegetables. I still self harm to this day. I feel as though I need to be punished for even thinking about food. 

Today I weigh 6 stone 7 pounds , 41kg , 91 pounds. I am a size 6 (UK) in clothing or an age 10 to 11 years in Children's clothes. But when I look in the mirror I see an ugly fat beast, I cant understand why the scales say one thing , and looking into a mirror I see something else. It messes with your head mentally , you become paranoid and convinced someone is playing tricks on you. 

     Beating this would mean everything , but everyday is a working progress. I seem to take one step forward and then three steps backwards. I am trying but nothing is ever easy in life , everyday is a struggle but a struggle eventually turns into strength.






               The Cons Of Being A Sufferer Of Anorexia Nervosa 


. Not being able to eat in public because of feeling embarrassed  and ashamed of yourself.

. Not being able to go to family meals or going out for meals with friends.

. Constantly calorie counting in foods and drinks.

. Anxiety and panic attacks when people offer you food. 

. Feeling a disappointment to everyone around you. 

. Constant tummy pains 

. Hating yourself

. Looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing a person the size of a whale. 

. No confidence

. Unable to have a social life.

. Eating off baby plates and bowls. 

. Being House bound 95% of the time.

. Constant fear of food and weight gain.

. Depression.

. Feeling like a waste of space.

. Weighing yourself daily 

. Struggling feeling comfortable in an outfit.

. Anxiety attacks

. Paranoia

. Not wanting to live

. Feeling like a bad person 

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xoxo