Dear Reader , Love A Mum With Mental Health ( Open letter To Mental Health Sufferers )

 Dear Reader , 

Being a mum with mental health conditions has never been easy. Being a mum in general is not easy. Some days I don't want to get up , get washed and dressed. I want to hide underneath my bed sheets hoping that the pain I am feeling inside will go away. People who don't understand mental health often say , you have beautiful children and a loving husband what have you got to be sad about , why wouldn't you want to live anymore? Mental health goes much deeper than you realise. You see it is easy to feel that way when you feel not good enough , a failure as a mother and wife , you feel like they would be better off without you. Mental health can effect anyone at any stage in there life. For me mental health started early, I was 8 years old when I was diagnosed with serve depression and anxiety . My anorexia diagnosis came later on in my teens and then along came my Autism diagnosis  which my mum fought  for since I was 6 years old. When I was 8 I said to my mum that I didn't want to be here anymore and I couldn't understand why I felt that way . I have never had self love or thought that I was good enough for anyone. I have never really understand why I have felt like that, my mum gave me everything she could growing up even now till this day she is there anytime I need here despite her own struggles in life. Mental health is more complicated than people know.  Although autism isn't a mental health condition it is an invisible disability , it is a big part of my mental health as my brain is wired differently it causes me to see things and understand things differently which often trigger anxiety and depressive episodes. When I was younger it was hard to understand that especially as I got my autism diagnosis when I was 21. 

      I once got asked if anxiety is like getting butterflies in your tummy.  The answer is no. Anxiety is an evil and twisted illness that can really pollute and poison your own mind. My anxiety has got that bad on a handful of occasions that during an anxiety attack my symptoms mimic a heart attack . I literally thought I was going to drop dead there and then. Emergency services where called on those occasions and I felt stupid and embarrassed that my anxiety had caused that. Anxiety symptoms take a toll on a persons body , so I constantly feel drain and exhausted. Most days I want to hide away but I cant because I have my children to take care off. I have to get up a fight.

         The guilt I feel when I am having a bad day and the thoughts of ending my life run through my mind sometimes feels unbearable. When my 4 year old and 2 year old catch me crying and they are the ones that are wiping my tears of my face telling me your fine mummy , it breaks my heart. I look into there eyes and think to myself I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my 3 daughters . I hate myself for feeling that way but unfortunately you can't click your fingers and change the way you feel. 

  I tried to commit suicide at 17 , I took an overdose and my heart almost stopped. The paramedics saved me. I was bullied for a long time and my mental health was greatly effected. I have acted on those darks thoughts along with years of self harm. But my children are light in my darkness . It is hard to see a light when everything seems so dark but everyone has a light , it might not be obvious to you but it is there. 

When you have mental health it is hard not to take things personally from your children . Especially when they are misbehaving or they shout at you that they hate you and you are the worst mum ever because you said no to them trying to climb up a cupboard so they can pretend to be a fairy and fly off it! It is hard not to be sensitive and take it personally when you feel so low but you have to find some inner strength to ignore it . My mental health effects me daily , there a things I can't do in the outside world because of it. I admit I run away from things a lot because I am frightened . I probably will suffer with mental health for the rest of my life , mental health is apart of many people and we shouldn't feel ashamed that we suffer from it. 

I am expecting baby number 4 , another girl! I keep asking myself how am I going to cope , I feel like I am barely coping as it is. But I know I will keep going , keep fighting each day like I have always done.

Sufferers are not alone , so many people suffer in silence and I don't want that anymore . It is okay not to be okay. Nobody should feel ashamed or alone for something they can't control. We all have got this because we are still here fighting mental health our own way. Everyone has a different story when it comes to mental health but we are never alone. We are stronger than we think. 

One day I hope not to feel like this , you know when sufferers say that they don't want to be here anymore , it is not that we don't want to be here anymore . It is that we want the pain inside that we feel to stop but we don't know another way to make it stop without not being here. Mental health is a cruel disease. 

             Love Just A Mum 

           With Mental health     

                          xox 

 

AUTISM : Why A Knock At The Door , Phone Calls & Letters Are Distressing.... ( ADULT WITH AUTISM )

                          

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and has had a lovely Christmas and New year. Today I wanted to talked about certain situations being an adult with autism that I personally struggle with. 

                               

The Knock At The Door

Even as an adult I still need structure and routine , so If somebody knocks at my front who I am not expecting or I don't know is coming can often cause me to have a panic attack because I am thrown off guard. It can become a stressful situation that I wasn't prepared for , whether it is a family member who just turns up to say hello or a stranger trying to sell something, my mind and body goes into a state of distress and I end up hiding on the floor because I become that scared of who is at the door. Obviously having to young children means that sometimes the person knocking at the door can hear them especially when my eldest shouts " mummy who is at the door ". Which often means they will continue to keep knocking louder which causes more distress for me as I am sensitive to sound. No I don't answer the door because usually by this point I am in tears because I have got that overwhelmed and stressed out at the thought of who it could be. I have had bad experiences that have led me to be more anxious around  ' A knock at the door ' such as someone actually walking into my home and throwing a parcel across my living room. Last year my husband and I was in a bad financial position and debt collectors came knocking at the door and I hid my children and myself until they went which seemed like forever. I have had people look through my kitchen window thinking nobody was home (this has happened a handful of times ). They are experiences that haven't contributed well to my anxiety that is already there about opening the front door. I am aware it could be something as simple as the postman dropping a parcel off because next door are not in, but when you are not expecting anyone it sends you into a torment of anxiety and distress. The stress doesn't take you an hour to recover , it takes days to feel relaxed again.


                            

                                                     


Phone Calls 

Phone calls is another thing I personally find difficult , especially as there tends to be more information given to you over the phone. Understanding information is a big part of what I struggle with , I struggle to process information and I often need it  breaking down for me in order for me to understand it. Like 'the knock at the door ' phone calls cause a lot of anxiety and distress for me , so I often tend to avoid phone calls or my husband talks on my behalf if needed. In some circumstances I do have to speak on the phone to confirm my identity etc which I find incredibly overwhelming and difficult , so I often avoid those situations as much as possible. There was one occasion I had to speak on the phone and I didn't understand what they was asking me , I apologized and said I was autistic and asked if they could explain to me in a different way and they put the phone down on me. I felt stupid and useless that I didn't understand what they was asking me. Another reason which causes anxiety around speaking on the phone is that I can't actually see that person who is on the other end of the phones face. Even though I struggle with eye contact in person not being able to see a persons face or put the voice to a persons face is very hard to comprehend and can feel very confusing for me.  





                             




Letters/ Mail 

Letters are something else I really struggle with . Again a lot of information can be put into letters and I can't always make sense or break down what the information is saying. I do often have to ask my mum for help regarding anything letter wise to make sure everything is correct and I don't misunderstand anything. My husband has a form of dyslexia so he can struggle with letters to at times. So I do often always ask my mum for advice. Sometimes I can interpret little details different which could mean the whole letter could end up meaning something completely different to what it is intended and often I always think the worst of a situation. Usually when I think it is something bad I start getting upset and then it is a horrible circle of anxiety again. 






                                      Thank you for reading 
                                               Love Ava
                                                    xoxo