Hello everyone , its been about 6 months since I posted on my mental health blog ,if you are someone who regularly read my blog I apologize for the none existence posts over the last 6 months.
Truth be told I haven't had time to blog , being a mummy to a 1 year old takes up a lot of time but now Daisie-Mae is getting more settled into a routine I am able to sit down once in awhile for 10 minutes or so.
Over the passed couple of months haven't been easy and my anxiety is worse than ever and most days I feel like I cant breathe. Planning a wedding , being cheated on , cancelling a wedding , my mum losing her job and coming to terms with being " disabled " I know as her only child it is my role now to help take care of her but I am worried I wont be good enough and will feel useless to help her needs , being accused of something that wasn't true and been reported to social services , death in the family , my daughter constantly being in pain with her tummy due to constant constipation with several trips to the doctors and A&E and still been in pain from birth from over a year ago because my lady part stitches healed to tight which causes pain going to the toilet and intimate pain.
Lets just say I have had my hands full.
If anyone suffers from anxiety you will know understand what I mean when I say you don't know how to control it. Over the past couple of months my anxiety has increased and become worse. I feel like I can't breathe , I feel like someone is choking me constantly and I become scared that I am going to stop breathing.
My anxiety attacks can happen at any time of the day but happen regularly during the night while I am in bed and I start shaking and become cold , I end up waking up and disturbing my partner because I cant calm myself and become tearful , my chest starts hurting and I feel like I am having a heart attack , I feel dizzy and faint and start screaming phone an ambulance because I become fearful. Anxiety mimics the symptoms of a heart attack so it becomes hard to recognize when you need medical help and when you can't calm yourself you don't know what to do. I am scared of being alone and I feel like I am becoming a burden to those around me and feel like everyone is better off without me , but I have to keep going for my daughter. I am fed up of constantly feeling in pain having body aches and pains , feeling like I am not in control of my body . I haven't been on anxiety tablets for two years and I am really trying my hardest not to go back on them as I suffered with side effects with them such as feeling sick , migraines and headaches. I am at a loss at the moment and feel fearful of my anxiety. I have always been able to help decrease my symptoms in the past , but recently I feel like I cant help myself or do not know what to do anymore.
Anxiety is something I have had since I was 9 years old or at least that is when I was diagnosed with anxiety. During the past year I have experienced different symptoms to anxiety which is very new to me and is scary to experience which makes me feel less in-control of myself because I cant always predict when an anxiety attack will occur , previously I could recognize symptoms to get myself out of the situation that was making me anxious , where as now my attacks can happen spontaneously and sometimes I dont even know why I am anxious.
I wish there was a magic wand that could make anxiety disappear but there isn't. I am sure many of you who suffer with anxiety understand how I feel , anxiety is a lot more common than people think and it is important that it is talked about its something people all ages and all genders deal with and no matter how scary it is , it needs to be talked about to help each other.
Ava
xoxo
