Anorexia , Being A Mum & Body Changes

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is doing well. It has been a long time since I last posted a blog post on my mental health blog , I think the last time I posted my beautiful eldest daughter Daisie- Mae was about 6 months old , she is now 2 years old already!!! I also have a new addition to my family another beautiful daughter called Luna-Rose who is 9 weeks old. You could definitely say I have been busy and had my hands full with a new baby and 2 year old who has just hit the terrible twos. 

Today's post is about Anorexia and body changes which is something I have been struggling with lately. Those who have read my blog before will know I have struggled with anorexia for a long time and is still an on going battle. Although my eating habits have changes since I have had my two daughters , i don't starve myself  like I did before I had children. My eating habits might not what people consider enough for an average person but baby steps I suppose. My partner Alex is a big influence of taking steps forwards rather than backwards , he knows my limits , he knows when I cant eat anymore and he knows not to force me or over encourage me to eat. One of the main problems when you struggle with anorexia is that when it comes to food the emotion you feel guilt. Alex has always understood my guilt towards food and consistently reassures me that I should never feel guilty for eating. Does it help? No, the guilt never goes away but his reassurance lets me know he is there for me and will help me through it. 

After having two babies , my body has changed my hips are wider , my boobs have doubled in size and so has my bum. Most people would be happy about there boobs and bum getting bigger right? Well for someone who struggles with body image it just feels like more fat to add to the scales. When I had my eldest daughter my body bounced back to the size I was before I had her , but then again i hardly showed when I was pregnant with Daisie-Mae , even when I was in labour  in the delivery suite the doctor asked where was my bump because I didn't look pregnant. When pregnant with Luna-Rose I had a much bigger bump and you could visibly tell I was pregnant , my body hasn't bounce back the same as it did with Daisie-Mae  , which I have found incredibly mentally difficult to cope with. 

I know I need to accept that I have give birth to two babies and my body isn't going to be the same anymore. 

I came to the realization of this last week when I was out shopping with my mum and daughters , I spotted gorgeous lace purple dress I wanted to buy , I dont usually try on clothes in shops but I found the courage to go and try it on. My mum sat on the seats with my daughters in the changing room area , I put the dress on and I had the curtain open so my mum could help zip the zipper up. The shop assiatnat who worked the changing room area saw i needed some help with the zipper and she came across. She didnt either touch the zipper and said " Well that is not going to zip up , you need a bigger size" My heart just dropped and I looked back at my mum trying to fight back my tears. I know the shop assistant was just doing her job and she didn't know I struggle with body image but it destroyed me , my first reaction in my head was that she was calling me fat. The lady asked if i wanted the next size up , I declined got back dressed into my own clothes and I left that shop feeling devastated. It is one thing to know in your head your body has changed but then too hear it , is very grueling inside. 

I am going to finish tonight post here and continue to update my blog as regular as I can :) 

Goodnight 

Ava 

xox

Too Embarrassed To Eat.... ( Eating Disorders )

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well! :) Today's blog post is on the topic of being "Too Embarrassed To Eat." Many people with an eating disorder or are close to somebody with an eating disorder will understand what I mean by saying "I am too embarrassed to eat in front of people." 

If you have followed my blog for awhile now , you will be aware I have suffered with Anorexia Nervosa for a long time and I have touched on the subject in previous blog posts. Although I have wrote about my story about having an eating disorder , I have never really gone into too much detail about the embarrassment you feel when eating. Which I am going to talk about today....

When you are put in a situation of having to eat in front of others , such as a family do or party , a cafe/ restaurant or even in front of others at home , you feel ashamed of eating. You feel judged for not eating but you feel MORE judged for eating. I tend to hover and crouch over my food to hide what I am eating when I am out in public , I only take bites out of my food when people aren't making eye contact with me or I don't feel as though people are watching me. After eating I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself for eating and mood is at its lowest for the rest of the day. Often I start to cry over the embarrassment I am feeling and become distressed in public , which often means my outing is cut short because I can't handle the shame. When eating at home I will cut myself of from everyone else and go to my room and eat where there is privacy , but just because you have privacy doesn't stop you from feeling the guilt of eating. If I have to eat in front of people at home , I will sit on the couch and hide my food down the side of the couch where nobody can see it and I will lean over to eat my food. The shame and guilt just doesn't go away , often I feel like I have to hurt myself as punishment for eating. My head tells me you have done a bad thing for eating , you deserved to be punished. You feel people are judging you for eating and when somebody says "oh you have eaten it all" or " You have eaten more than normal" it doesn't feel like praise , it feels like an insult! You start to feel more and more repentant about eating that meal and then the cycle starts again when it is the next time to eat. 

Personally I am finding it hard to eat at the moment I feel more and more pressured to eat as much as possible because I am almost 5 months pregnant with my first child. I feed myself for my baby's sake even though it makes me very unhappy eat , I want my baby to be healthy and I keep reminding myself every time I eat it is for my baby. I feel more under pressure now as I feel like I am being watched 24/7 by people making sure I eat. It is taking a mental and emotional toll on me , I want to be brave but I am struggling to cope. My head can't seem to separate " Pregnancy" and " fat" in my mind all I see is I am fat and eating makes me feel worse than ever. I feel so appalled at myself  for eating but then not eating for my baby makes me selfish. I know eating  is something I will always struggle with but I am hoping I find the strength to handle eating for my little baby's sake.

Instagram - xovintagewayoflifexo

Twitter - V_wayoflifexo

Facebook page - theinnervoiceandasoulwithstrength

Facebook - Ava Clarice Hornby

Love Ava

xoxo

The Three Main Things NOT To Say To A Person Who Is Anorexic & Pregnant

Hello everyone , I hope everybody is well and has had a lovely Christmas and new years :) This is my first blog post of 2016 and today's blog post is about " The Three Main Things Not To Say To A Person Who Is Anorexic And Pregnant ." If you have read my previous blog post you will know I am expecting a little one in June. I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and if you have followed my blog for awhile now , you may also be aware that I have suffered with anorexia for a long time. 

I wanted to write this post hoping to help others who may  know somebody who suffers with anorexia or any kind of eating disorder and are also pregnant on how to be a little more sensitive to support them throughout there pregnancy. 

Body

1. Where is your bump? Lets see it then...

( A person with Anorexia is already self conscious and mental struggling with there body image as it , pointing out the obvious that there body is changing makes them feel more judged about their body and feels like they are constantly being analysed for there body and weight. )   

Food

2. You are eating more aren't you? get that food down you!

( Many individuals with Anorexia are not selfish , so no matter how hard it is to eat , they will eat for the sake of the baby's health , no matter how unhappy eating makes them. Somebody pointing out that the individual is eating more could trigger the individual  relapsing and cause them not to eat at all. A person with anorexia often feels ashamed  and guilt of eating , so pointing there increase in food intake will make them feel 100x worse. ) 

Clothing

3. If an individual with anorexia says " None of my clothes fit any more "Don't reply with " get a few sizes bigger then ."

( An individual can be very sensitive to the topic of clothing and sizing. A person with anorexia is struggling to come to terms with the changes in there body and in the individuals mind going up in sizes means they think they are fat. It is hard to separate the mentality of feeling fat to being pregnant. Eventually the individual will come to terms in there own time that they might have to go up a size, but never suggest to them to go up a size , let them come to terms at there own pace.)

Facebook Page -https://www.facebook.com/theinnervoiceandasoulwithstrength/

Facebook - Ava Clarice Hornby

Twitter - V_wayoflifexo

Instagram - xovintagewayoflifexo

Love Ava

xoxo

I Almost Lost My Baby.... My Pregnancy Story

Finding Out I Was Pregnant 

Throughout the whole of September I felt very unwell, constant migraines, tummy pains, nausea, light headed and I had little energy to do things. I thought I had a tummy bug and head cold, it didn't occur to me for one second that I was pregnant as I was on the pill. As the pill is supposedly 99% effective, I trusted that I was being safe; however it didn't cross my mind that when you were ill while on the pill there is high percentage of it not being effective. 

        As I have suffered with an eating disorder for a long time, I am use to not having a regular menstrual cycle, so my periods being late or not coming at all didn't concern me too much. It was only when boobs started to hurt that something clicked that something wasn't right  , I had constant pains and I felt uncomfortable wearing bras and my bras would no longer fit. I looked up online what could be the cause of having painful boobs and all the other symptoms I was having, and the first thing that came up was pregnancy.  

         I was in a different room to my mum, so I shouted to come to mine room and told her. She ran out to the shop and got myself several pregnancy tests. The first test was one of them cheap paper stick pregnancy tests, when I peed on the stick nothing showed up at all. One line was for negative, two was for positive. So I took another test, one line came up very clear the other line came up faintly so I was unsure of the result. My Mum ran out to the shop again and bought a Clear Blue pregnancy test to get a more accurate result. I took the test and waited a couple of minutes for the result to show, the wait seemed like forever. Finally the result showed and it said +3 weeks pregnant, I fell to the ground crying. I knew I wasn't ready to have a baby, my boyfriend and I have only been together since the end of June. I was terrified and I didn't know what to do. I told my boyfriend and he was as shocked and devastated as I was. We both knew we were nowhere near ready to have a baby. We didn't know what to do.

I Thought I Lost My Baby

         For the next couple of weeks we both avoided the subject and tried to pretend that it wasn’t happening. A couple weeks after finding out I was pregnant I was around 6 weeks pregnant and while out shopping on a Sunday afternoon with my boyfriend and Mum. My boyfriend and I were looking at something upstairs in a shop while my Mum was downstairs in the shop. I felt a horrible pain in my belly and lower area, It felt stronger than a period pain but I knew there and then I was bleeding. I looked at my boyfriend and said “I am losing the baby” whilst tearing up. He said “what do you mean?” I replied “I can feel blood.” He helped me down the stairs as I was struggling to walk as I had a skirt on and I was afraid blood would pour out of my underwear.

    We found my Mum downstairs and she helped me find a toilet. My Mum went into the toilets with me and I went into a cubical on my own. I looked down at my underwear and there was blood everywhere, I just knew it, I lost the baby, there was just so much blood. I started to cry and I shouted my Mum to come into the cubical, she saw the blood and began to tear up too. She helped me clean myself up and we went back outside to find my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend everything , he just held me tight , comforted me , he told everything is going to be ok and it isn’t my fault.

       That didn’t stop me from feeling like it wasn’t my fault, I felt like I was a failure, a terrible mother who couldn’t keep her baby safe. I kept saying “I killed our baby didn’t I? It is my entire fault”. I couldn’t stop crying. So as soon as we got home my Mum phoned the emergency doctor on my behalf and explained everything. The doctor said it was very likely that I had miscarried, that broke my heart. I was devastated! The doctor arranged an emergency internal scan two days later. For two days I did nothing but cry and blame myself, my boyfriend and my Mum both tried to comfort me but I just couldn’t stop crying.

    The two days seemed like forever, but it was time for my scan. I couldn’t understand why I needed a scan to tell me I have lost my baby, it almost felt like the knife been twisted some more. My Mum came with me to the scan as my boyfriend had to work that day. I went into the scan room with the mentality of my baby is dead why am I here?

      The lady doing the ultra sound started to proceed with the scan, I sat back trying my hardest to fight back my tears. The lady said “ Well there is a strong heartbeat there”,  I looked at the lady in confusion , she said “ Your baby is doing fine , I am not sure why you had such a big bleed there is no explanation for that. But I can assure you, your baby has one strong heartbeat. I looked at my Mum and we both started crying, I was so happy my baby was ok.

( My scan picture from my emergency scan at 6 weeks ) 

     I told my boyfriend the news and he was shocked but was happy everything was ok. We both couldn't get over it! We came to the conclusion that no matter how fast everything may seem our baby is clearly meant to be here and is ready to fight to be here. Everything took some time to get use to and accept that we have a baby arriving in June. But no matter the struggles and challenges we are going to face, my boyfriend and I will face together and do everything we can to give all our love and support to our baby. I am so grateful that I have a wonderful man who takes care of me and has been with me every step of the way. He has always put me first before himself and I feel so blessed and lucky that he has supported me  , no matter how bumpy ( excuse the pun lol)  this journey has been so far , but no just through my pregnancy but the support and love he gives me in everything I do. 

( My 13 weeks scan picture ) 

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant , and my boyfriend and I are expecting our little one on the 18th of June. On the 1st of February which is my birthday ;D we get to find out the gender of our baby at my 20+ weeks scan!  

Thank you for reading 

xox

Instagram - xovintagewayoflifexo

Twitter- V_wayoflifexo

Facebook - Ava Clarice Hornby

Facebook page - Theinnervoiceandasoulwithstrength

Love Ava

xoxo