Saying Goodbye To Our Angel

Hello everyone I hope everyone is well and is not stressing to much over Christmas time. 
      The past month has been a dreadful time for my husband and I , we are still coming terms with everything that has happened and it has been very difficult. At the end of november I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant , i kind already knew I was pregnant before I took a test. I had terrible morning sickness for weeks and I felt exactly the same way I did in the early stages of pregnancy with my two children. My husband and I don't exactly have the best luck with protection,  my first child I was on the pill when I fell pregnant and this time I fell pregnant while using condoms.  
         Unfourtnley due to health and medical reasons I was unable to continue with the pregnancy ( I don't want to go to much into details as it is still raw)  and had to have surgery to terminate the pregnancy.  On the 12th of December I had surgery , from the moment I pulled up to the car park I cried and cried. I cried walking up to the ward , I cried while I waited for surgery , I cried while I was taking down to surgery and I cried while I was being put to sleep. The nurse gave me something to calm myself down before being put to sleep , the nurse held my hand while I was being put to sleep but I don't have any recollection of the anaesthetist giving me anaesthetic at all. I woke up after surgery feeling like I had given birth all over again. I would not wish the pain of feeling like you have given birth but you have no baby to hold on my worst enemy, it's a feeling you can not describe apart from heartbreak. 
     I feel nothing but guilt and pain that I couldn't continue with the pregnancy and wonder what could of been my heart is broken. My husband is broken too , although he doesn't express his feelings in the same way I do , I cry a lot,  he holds his thoughts and feelings in. He got angel wings tattooed on the back of his neck , that's his way of coping with things. I think it will be along time till we feel normal again and I don't think the pain will ever truly go away. 
      10 days after surgery I am still feeling sore and still bleeding on and off but I suppose it will take awhile for everything to be back to normal pshyically. The guilt will never go away but we have to come to terms with saying goodbye to our angel. 
Mentally and emotionally it has been draining for the both of us but we need each other to get through this. 
I am sorry we couldn't keep you my darling xo




                            Love Ava 
                             Xoxo