Dear Reader , Love A Mum With Mental Health ( Open letter To Mental Health Sufferers )

 Dear Reader , 

Being a mum with mental health conditions has never been easy. Being a mum in general is not easy. Some days I don't want to get up , get washed and dressed. I want to hide underneath my bed sheets hoping that the pain I am feeling inside will go away. People who don't understand mental health often say , you have beautiful children and a loving husband what have you got to be sad about , why wouldn't you want to live anymore? Mental health goes much deeper than you realise. You see it is easy to feel that way when you feel not good enough , a failure as a mother and wife , you feel like they would be better off without you. Mental health can effect anyone at any stage in there life. For me mental health started early, I was 8 years old when I was diagnosed with serve depression and anxiety . My anorexia diagnosis came later on in my teens and then along came my Autism diagnosis  which my mum fought  for since I was 6 years old. When I was 8 I said to my mum that I didn't want to be here anymore and I couldn't understand why I felt that way . I have never had self love or thought that I was good enough for anyone. I have never really understand why I have felt like that, my mum gave me everything she could growing up even now till this day she is there anytime I need here despite her own struggles in life. Mental health is more complicated than people know.  Although autism isn't a mental health condition it is an invisible disability , it is a big part of my mental health as my brain is wired differently it causes me to see things and understand things differently which often trigger anxiety and depressive episodes. When I was younger it was hard to understand that especially as I got my autism diagnosis when I was 21. 

      I once got asked if anxiety is like getting butterflies in your tummy.  The answer is no. Anxiety is an evil and twisted illness that can really pollute and poison your own mind. My anxiety has got that bad on a handful of occasions that during an anxiety attack my symptoms mimic a heart attack . I literally thought I was going to drop dead there and then. Emergency services where called on those occasions and I felt stupid and embarrassed that my anxiety had caused that. Anxiety symptoms take a toll on a persons body , so I constantly feel drain and exhausted. Most days I want to hide away but I cant because I have my children to take care off. I have to get up a fight.

         The guilt I feel when I am having a bad day and the thoughts of ending my life run through my mind sometimes feels unbearable. When my 4 year old and 2 year old catch me crying and they are the ones that are wiping my tears of my face telling me your fine mummy , it breaks my heart. I look into there eyes and think to myself I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my 3 daughters . I hate myself for feeling that way but unfortunately you can't click your fingers and change the way you feel. 

  I tried to commit suicide at 17 , I took an overdose and my heart almost stopped. The paramedics saved me. I was bullied for a long time and my mental health was greatly effected. I have acted on those darks thoughts along with years of self harm. But my children are light in my darkness . It is hard to see a light when everything seems so dark but everyone has a light , it might not be obvious to you but it is there. 

When you have mental health it is hard not to take things personally from your children . Especially when they are misbehaving or they shout at you that they hate you and you are the worst mum ever because you said no to them trying to climb up a cupboard so they can pretend to be a fairy and fly off it! It is hard not to be sensitive and take it personally when you feel so low but you have to find some inner strength to ignore it . My mental health effects me daily , there a things I can't do in the outside world because of it. I admit I run away from things a lot because I am frightened . I probably will suffer with mental health for the rest of my life , mental health is apart of many people and we shouldn't feel ashamed that we suffer from it. 

I am expecting baby number 4 , another girl! I keep asking myself how am I going to cope , I feel like I am barely coping as it is. But I know I will keep going , keep fighting each day like I have always done.

Sufferers are not alone , so many people suffer in silence and I don't want that anymore . It is okay not to be okay. Nobody should feel ashamed or alone for something they can't control. We all have got this because we are still here fighting mental health our own way. Everyone has a different story when it comes to mental health but we are never alone. We are stronger than we think. 

One day I hope not to feel like this , you know when sufferers say that they don't want to be here anymore , it is not that we don't want to be here anymore . It is that we want the pain inside that we feel to stop but we don't know another way to make it stop without not being here. Mental health is a cruel disease. 

             Love Just A Mum 

           With Mental health     

                          xox 

 

AUTISM : Why A Knock At The Door , Phone Calls & Letters Are Distressing.... ( ADULT WITH AUTISM )

                          

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and has had a lovely Christmas and New year. Today I wanted to talked about certain situations being an adult with autism that I personally struggle with. 

                               

The Knock At The Door

Even as an adult I still need structure and routine , so If somebody knocks at my front who I am not expecting or I don't know is coming can often cause me to have a panic attack because I am thrown off guard. It can become a stressful situation that I wasn't prepared for , whether it is a family member who just turns up to say hello or a stranger trying to sell something, my mind and body goes into a state of distress and I end up hiding on the floor because I become that scared of who is at the door. Obviously having to young children means that sometimes the person knocking at the door can hear them especially when my eldest shouts " mummy who is at the door ". Which often means they will continue to keep knocking louder which causes more distress for me as I am sensitive to sound. No I don't answer the door because usually by this point I am in tears because I have got that overwhelmed and stressed out at the thought of who it could be. I have had bad experiences that have led me to be more anxious around  ' A knock at the door ' such as someone actually walking into my home and throwing a parcel across my living room. Last year my husband and I was in a bad financial position and debt collectors came knocking at the door and I hid my children and myself until they went which seemed like forever. I have had people look through my kitchen window thinking nobody was home (this has happened a handful of times ). They are experiences that haven't contributed well to my anxiety that is already there about opening the front door. I am aware it could be something as simple as the postman dropping a parcel off because next door are not in, but when you are not expecting anyone it sends you into a torment of anxiety and distress. The stress doesn't take you an hour to recover , it takes days to feel relaxed again.


                            

                                                     


Phone Calls 

Phone calls is another thing I personally find difficult , especially as there tends to be more information given to you over the phone. Understanding information is a big part of what I struggle with , I struggle to process information and I often need it  breaking down for me in order for me to understand it. Like 'the knock at the door ' phone calls cause a lot of anxiety and distress for me , so I often tend to avoid phone calls or my husband talks on my behalf if needed. In some circumstances I do have to speak on the phone to confirm my identity etc which I find incredibly overwhelming and difficult , so I often avoid those situations as much as possible. There was one occasion I had to speak on the phone and I didn't understand what they was asking me , I apologized and said I was autistic and asked if they could explain to me in a different way and they put the phone down on me. I felt stupid and useless that I didn't understand what they was asking me. Another reason which causes anxiety around speaking on the phone is that I can't actually see that person who is on the other end of the phones face. Even though I struggle with eye contact in person not being able to see a persons face or put the voice to a persons face is very hard to comprehend and can feel very confusing for me.  





                             




Letters/ Mail 

Letters are something else I really struggle with . Again a lot of information can be put into letters and I can't always make sense or break down what the information is saying. I do often have to ask my mum for help regarding anything letter wise to make sure everything is correct and I don't misunderstand anything. My husband has a form of dyslexia so he can struggle with letters to at times. So I do often always ask my mum for advice. Sometimes I can interpret little details different which could mean the whole letter could end up meaning something completely different to what it is intended and often I always think the worst of a situation. Usually when I think it is something bad I start getting upset and then it is a horrible circle of anxiety again. 






                                      Thank you for reading 
                                               Love Ava
                                                    xoxo

The Festive Financial Stress Greatly Impacts Your Mental Health

                       

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and has had a lovely week. Today I want to talk about the financial stresses at this time of year which many families experience especially with children. 

       The Christmas season is coming up and everywhere you go you hear children say I want , I want , I want. Of course they are just children and don't understand that maybe there mummy and daddy can't afford those things they would like. It doesn't matter how many times adults and family members tell you,  just buy your kids what you can afford , it doesn't make you feel any less of a failure for not been able to provide what they are asking for.
        Something really upset me this week , my eldest was at nursery and they all sat in a circle and went round in a circle and said what they would like for Christmas. Now I understand nursery is just trying to get the children excited for Christmas , but not everyone is in a financial situation to afford expensive items. Not once has my eldest mentioned she wanted a purple bike until that day. She wanted Disney dolls which my husband and I had saved and found a good deal on ebay of all 12 Disney dolls for £50 which we got a few months ago , which worked out just over £4 for each doll. I wanted to cry , my eldest expected a bike at home that night and was confused why there wasn't one. We can't afford £100 on one item , especially when my eldest is 3 and understands quantity not quality! The next day while the children was getting there Christmas photos done , I overheard one of the staff say to my eldest Daisie-Mae have you been looking in those magazines for that  bike you want for christmas! I just looked at my husband and started tearing up. I mean how do I explain to her that she might not get a bike. This time last year we couldn't even afford food and we was living off a food bank for over 3 months. We couldn't pay bills and our gas/electric got cut of in the middle of December . Although we are able to put food on the table every week now , we aren't in the financial situation to spend money on expensive items , just like many other families can't afford it.
             I feel so stressed and my mental health has been hugely effected , I am 6 months pregnant worried how we are going to get through the Christmas period. I have even looked at taking loans out just to get us through the next couple of months , but i just feel like it is going to be a horrible circle. Once those loans are paid off , I feel like its going to be a repeat and I will have to take out another and then another. I am in two minds of what to do. I feel so sad , I have had days where I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like a useless mother not been able to provide for my children and I have another baby on the way. Most of the time I feel like my children would be better off without me. 
          The commercial side of Christmas starts earlier and earlier every year , it puts so much pressure and stress on parents. So many parents  become mental ill this time of year due to the constant pressure. What happened to the meaning of Christmas ? FAMILY , LOVED ONES , KINDNESS.  It is very easy to forget that when the commercial side of Christmas is shoved in your face from the last few weeks of summer! 
       My mum always taught me , that you get what you are given and you appreciate it because not everyone in the world is lucky to get things . I am finding this really difficult to teach my children , when people around them encourage them to expect things. Of course I would love to be in a situation to  give my children what they would like. But I want them to understand appreciation , respect ,  and that not everyone is fortunate to have nice things.

        Love Ava

                                                                                                                            xoxox

       

A Child With Autism Then Becomes An Adult With Autism ( School Struggles )

           

                       

Hello everybody! I hope everyone is well and has had a good week. I know I haven't posted in a while , I have been wiped out with morning sickness for the past few months. Yes that's right my husband and I are expecting baby number 3! It was a bit of a shock to say the least, but we have finally got our head around having another baby. 

   



                 
        Today's blog post I wanted to write about being an adult with autism. I have seen alot of parents recently post awareness about there child having autism especially since schools have started back. People seem to forget that children with autism grow up to be an adult with autism , those struggles that children face in school don't just fade away. I left high school a decade ago and I struggled a lot through both primary school and high school. The difficulties a faced then , I still face now. Although as adult you learn what works for you , what situation are going to overwhelm you or cause distress to you. As a child it is very confusing , you don't understand why you feel or see things a certain way which can cause so much anxiety for a child. Anxiety that a child is to young to understand why they feel that way and they can't explain it because they don't yet have the words to describe those feelings. 
         Sensory overload and anxiety have a big link for those with autism. As an adult you learn what kind of sensory overload can be distressing to you , so you take certain precautions to help you in that situation. For example noise is a big issue for me , so if I had to put myself in a situation where there is going to be a lot of noise , I would take some earphones to block out some of the noise or I would research the place to know my surroundings and see if I could find a quieter place. When you are a child with autism you don't have that understanding of why everything feels so loud , overwhelming and physically painful . If you are parent of a child with autism you might find your child tells you they have earache and although it might not be an infection earache , for your child it will feel that way because of how sensitive they are to sound. Unfortunately it still feels that way for an adult , but you learn what sounds your more sensitive too. 
    Does your child tell you to stop shouting at them? Even though you are not! The slightest change in the tone of your voice can make someone with autism feel like you are shouting at them. This happens a lot with my husband and he has to take his time to explain he wasn't shouting at me although it feels like he is. This can be extremely hard for children especially in a school environment it can cause a lot of stress and anxiety. 
     It is very important that a child with autism has support throughout school life , that teachers and other professional are made aware of an individuals struggles. This will help a child with autism have a less daunting school experience. Unfortunately I didn't have support throughout school life despite my mum fighting my corner for me to get the right support , I never got it. School failed me and many others my age , this has effected me as an adult as I haven't yet been able to go into a work role. I went back education on my own doing long distance learning and was able to pass all my courses but during school years I ended up missing a lot of school due to a lack of support and severe anxiety.  Work is something I would love to do , however been classed as" disabled"  has it limitation. Sometimes that is all people see you as and they think you are incapable of being able to do things just because you struggle more than others. I haven't been given the opportunity to be in a work role in fact I once got told I wasn't mentally well enough to work , which really knocked my confidence. 
      I am so happy that in the past few years more awareness of what autism is has been made aware. Hopefully this help children more , when I was a child there wasn't much knowledge or education on the subject , so its great to see people speak and stand up for those with autism. Autism is such a big spectrum that people don't even realise how big it is.  We all struggle in different ways and no two people with autism are the same , we may have similarities but we are all unique and different to each other , just like individuals without autism. 





                                    Thank you reading :)

                                      Love Ava 

                                        xoxo

Nothing But Love.... But We Needed Help.... We Had No Food.

Hello everyone , I hope everyone has had a good week so far. So today on my blog I want to talk about something that has been close to home recently and effected my family a great deal especially earlier on this  year.
        January this year was a really tough time for my husband and I. We couldn't afford to pay for basic bills such as water , gas and electricity nevermind the other added bills. We was struggling to pay for food for our family which resulted in both of us selling alot of our belongings to put food on the table for our children, we both skipped meals to make sure our children was fed. We was both tired and fed up , despite my husband working full time he was getting very little pay which wasn't covering the cost of living and we wasn't entitled to any help . Family and friends offered us money for food but we turned them down knowing they was struggling themselves we didn't want to burden them with our problems.  
      The stress began to cause conflict between my husband and I but we carried on trying to get through it together . Not enough income meant missed and unpaid bills which meant debts began to add up . We had been struggling for awhile but by January it was a nightmare. Bailiffs and debt collectors turned up at the door scaring my children and I. This was breaking point for us.... the stress was too much for us both and we then agreed we should separate. My husband  left and within a few hours of leaving we both realised we needed each other. That's what families do , they stick together through hard times.  During this time of him leaving his car ended up been impounded while he was on the way to a family members house... lack of income... No bills paid. My husband works hard and it really isn't fair but it is just the way it is sometimes. We love each other and we stayed through it together even when our gas and electric got cut off and we had to spend the cold nights all in the same bed wrapped in blankets to keep us warm. we had nothing... Nothing but love for our two children and each other. We knew it was a hard time and hoped it wasn't going to last forever. But it didn't stop myself crying to my husband till I fell asleep because I felt a failure as a mother.
       During this time I was seeing a psychologist who specializes in autism who helped support me.  When she found out my husband and I was struggling she referred us to family first which is a programme which works with the local council to help struggling families. Family first helped us get the support we needed and provided us help from a food bank for 8 weeks , volunteers would kindly deliver us food parcels and nappies each week to help us get back on track. A lovely man who worked for family first helped us with getting help with our debts and finances so we could get everything under control. 
         Almost losing everything but our love for each other had a big impact on both our mental health. We felt so ashamed and depressed that we couldn't provide for our children and we was too embarrassed to ask for help. Help eventually came to us , but it doesn't for everyone don't be scared to speak out if you need help. They are so many people willing to help those who are struggling. 



                          some websites if you need help :)

                     https://www.turn2us.org.uk/


                    http://www.glasspool.org.uk/

                 
                   https://www.family-action.org.uk/



                https://www.onefamily.com/our-story/

I Vlogged Throughout The Month Of April For Autism Awareness Month

Hello everyone , I hope everyone is well and are having a good week so far. If you have read my blog for awhile now you will know that I am Autistic. April was Autism Awareness month , so throughout the month of April I vlogged each day on my instagram stories to show what it is like living with Autism. After my first few videos I received messages of encouragement and support from people which was lovely and they continued to watch my videos throughout the month of april. I found it very hard at first to talk to the camera , I felt a little bit stupid talking to myself at first really , it took me at least 10 times to film my first video because I felt so embarrassed , I thought I was making a fool of myself. Peoples support really helped me to continuing making videos and as the month went on I find more confidence in myself to make videos. 
       By the second week of april I had some lovely messages from people telling me they enjoyed watching my videos which made me feel like I was doing something right. My husband is my number one supporter and he kept telling me how proud he was of me for showing people the difficulties individuals with Autism face each day.  I also shared stories about my mental health and struggles too , which alot people seemed to be able to relate too. I had a few messages asking where to go for help and wanted some guidance which I was happy to help with. I am always happy to people when they need. 
      By the third week ,some people had made fake accounts to message me , to tell me things that was obviously was going to upset me. I found that very upsetting and it caused alot of stress for me. During the same week alot of things happened in our family which caused stress and upset for my family which didnt help when my head felt all over the place anyway. I felt drained and I didnt feel motivated to do videos but I carried on doing them even if it was just little ones throughout the day. I started to feel better by week 4 and carried on vlogging my day and I was still receiving nice messages from people which certainly out weighed the upset from silly fake accounts. 
           The last day of April came which meant last day of vlogging for Autism awareness. I received some messages asking to continue with my videos and that they enjoyed watching. I wasnt too sure at first if I wanted to continue vlogging , I actually found it quite hard to remember to vlog things. I thought about it overnight and decided I would continue to make videos but not everyday , I didnt want to put too much pressure on myself to do it everyday. It really meant alot to me those who watched and supported me , all I have ever wanted to do is to help people and I hope my videos do help people even if it is just one person that would be great. 




If you are interested in watching my videos/ stories my instagram is
                                xovintagewayoflifexo




                                 Love Ava xox
                              

Dear Husband

      

Dear Husband 
           You don't get much credit for all that you do. You stick by me and our little ones too , you hold me tight when I feel like I have to give up the fight. You guide me through the dark to the light where things seem brighter and seem alright. 
    You don't understand all my struggles but you have never give up wanting to learn , you carry on helping me through the muddy puddles and make sure you give me lots of cuddles. You let me rest when I am too tired or I feel like everything is too much. You pick the slack around our home when I feel i can't carry on alone. It's not how I like it , it is not in its place , it is not perfect but that's okay because you went out of your way to make sure everything was put away. 
        I couldn't ask for a better Dad to our children , you do everything to protect us even when that meant keeping people away to make sure our children was safe. I love you more each day. Thank you for everything you do , the support and love you give me too. You hold me close when I am not alright and don't let go until I am feeling fine , even in the middle of the night when I am feeling afraid you will lay awake with me until sunrise. When I am hurting you will try and take away the pain and put smiles back on my face. 
     Thank you for everything you do , my love will always be with you. 




                          Your Ava Sky x